Post #84: How Do You Know That?

Over the weekend, I went to my daughter's soccer game. The other team didn't show up, so it was decided that the parents and siblings would form a team to play against the girls.

The season hadn't been going well for my daughter's team (in terms of wins and losses, that is). In fact, they hadn't come close to winning a single game, and one of the moms was very concerned about the effect this might be having on the girls' self esteem. As the scrimmage began, she stated firmly, "The whole purpose of this game is so the girls can win. It is of critical importance that they experience a success."  Hmmm, I wondered. How does she know that?

What did the mom imagine would happen if they didn't experience success on this team? Would the girls quit soccer altogether and seek out something easier that would guarantee success? Would they become so dejected that they'd flunk out of school and start smoking cigarettes and shoplifting? And what if the parent and sibling team let them win because they thought the girls were too fragile to experience another loss? What would that do to their self esteem?

For me, one of the most interesting aspects of life is how often things don't turn out as we were expecting them to. "A" doesn't always lead to "B." Like how big lottery winners stereotypically end up lonely and miserable, and how cancer survivors so often become filled with gratitude and a higher sense of purpose. Or how bullies turn out to be the weak ones, while "nerds" tend to grow up to be successful.

Let's face it, we humans are wrong a lot of the time, and I believe this is all by design. We came to this crazy little planet to make mistakes and to learn hard lessons. We're a tough breed, to be sure. This is not a place for the faint-hearted, and we knew that when we signed up for it.

Did you ever read the great 1960's children's book, Fortunately, by Remy Charlip? It's about a boy named Ned who, fortunately, was invited to an awesome surprise birthday party in another state. Unfortunately, getting to the party turned out to be a huge ordeal. It had many, many ups and downs, including Ned's airplane exploding, his parachute being defective, etc. Fortunately, in the end, Ned makes it to the party in one piece, and the gala event turns out to be worth the series of unfortunate events that led up to it.

Life is sort of like that, isn't it? The struggles we go through help us become the strong, compassionate people we would not have become if we had "experienced success" in everything we did. Sometimes life knows better than us what we need, or what our children need. How do I know that? (Good question!)

Post #83: Should "Should" Be Banned from the English Language?

Is it just me, or are people getting more impatient all the time? Lately, whether I'm in line at a store or in traffic with my family, I'm hearing people complain about having to wait (and all sorts of other random things that they feel shouldn't be happening). If possible, I avoid these conversations, but sometimes I can't help but remark, "Well, this is the DMV---what did you expect?," or, "You do realize it's Christmas eve, right?

Sometimes this complaining is just something to do; sometimes it's part of a larger pattern of grumpiness; and sometimes it's based on the fact that we have limited time, and this waiting is going to make us late for something else. The latter may be perfectly valid, but when we're on a tight schedule, we require the world around us to work like a well-oiled machine or else it throws a monkey wrench in our gears and everything comes to a screeching halt. Does that pretty much sum it up? Do we see the problem inherent in needing the world to run smoothly so that we can have a smoothly running life?

The way I see it, the world never promised to be efficient. Maybe Jiffy Lube and Speedy Print are committed to providing a quick turnaround, but life in general is not. Human life is fraught with human cogs in the wheels, and they are prone to all sorts of inconsistencies. As is the weather and anything having to do with nature. And then there are issues of timing, as in people flocking to popular restaurants at mealtimes, and commuters swarming the freeways at rush hour.

There are a million things that can interfere with our best laid plans, but still we expect that things should go smoothly, and are aggravated when they don't. It seems to me that the central problem in our thinking is the "should." In more cases than not, "should" actually means "I wish." Therefore, "This line shouldn't be so long," really means "I wish this line wasn't so long." And "There should be more clerks available," really means "I wish there were more clerks available."

Wishing and reality are two different things, and we cause ourselves and others a lot of stress when we confuse the two. Assuming that you can easily get in and out of the Social Security office over your lunch hour is frustration just waiting to happen. And assuming that your fifteen minute drive should only take you fifteen minutes is a call to action for Caltrans to fix the road today.

I think "should" is an annoying and problematic word that should (oops!) be banned from the English language. It causes nothing but judgments and guilt trips, and it doesn't mean much of anything. This week I invite you to substitute the the phrase "in my dream world" whenever you're tempted to use the word should. So, "Kids should do their homework without being asked," becomes "In my dream world, kids do their homework without being asked," and "I shouldn't eat junk food," becomes "In my dream world, I wouldn't eat junk food." Please forgive my sarcastic tone, but this really does works! Have a great week.

Post #82: Is Outrage Overrated?

Lately, we've been on the topic of learning how to mind our own business, which means taking responsibility for our own lives and letting other people tend to theirs. This doesn't mean that we don't care, or that we are passive or aloof. It just means that we take the time to assess whether our involvement is desirable, and, if so, what action would be most beneficial. We don't just rush in and start telling people how we need them to change, because usually this just meets with resistance.

What about social and environmental action? Do we sit back and just allow things to happen that cause damage or maintain a dysfunctional status quo, just because they might not relate to us directly? Or do we get involved and fight for change? After all, what motivates us to spring into action more than reacting to what we perceive as injustice?

Okay, so that was a trick question, because I am here to argue that outrage is overrated. If we want to create a war scenario where we righteously attack "the bad guys" and in turn they find skillful and sneaky ways to counterattack us and undermine our efforts, then it works great to get upset and get in someone's face. But is that really the best use of our passion?

For me, and for a lot of people I know, the highest quality action springs from love, not outrage. I am motivated to pick up litter because I love nature and it makes me happy to do something nice for a beautiful park or mountainside. If I were angry and self-righteous about the garbage, it would take all the pleasure out of this act of service.

I'm not saying that we shouldn't get upset. It's normal to be upset. There's no judgment about that. I'm just saying that in my experience, love is a stronger, more effective, and more organizing force than outrage. Love allows us to take a deep breath, collect our thoughts and resources, and approach whomever we need to approach in a spirit of cooperation: "This is the problem I see. How can we work together to change it?"

Author Byron Katie suggests that some people fear that if they weren't fired up about an issue they would cease to take action to correct it. It's as if their anger is proof that they care about abused animals, or factory workers, or the environment, and that this anger is what fuels their efforts for change. (Katie argues that love is a more powerful motivator than anger could ever hope to be).

Personally, when I'm outraged, I notice that I don't think clearly. I tend to be overtaken by emotion. Sometimes I say or do something counterproductive. I might even alienate the very person who would have worked with me to create the change I wanted. When I'm upset, I don't pick up litter. I think to myself, "What kind of thoughtless people would leave this trash around? What's the use, anyway? They'll just be back again tomorrow!"

So, am I'm suggesting that you write love letters to the Offshore Oil Drilling Association? No. I'm just asking you to think through the likely outcome of launching an energetic attack, compared to approaching the issue in a peaceful and respectful manner. If you decide that vinegar is called for, that's fine. But know that honey is always an option.

Post #81: Do You Have Healthy Boundaries?

So, there are three kinds of business in the universe:  yours, mine, and God’s. Last week we talked about how most of us humans have trouble knowing where our own boundaries trail off and where others’ begin. Sure, we mean well, but the hard truth is that many of us are exhausted and frustrated by our compulsion to “help” and guide the people and situations in our lives.  Perhaps we feel intensely driven to change people’s minds regarding the environment, politics, big business, or civil rights.  And then there are the cases where, for whatever reason, we just feel compelled to control and manipulate what other people think, do, and feel.

But how are we to know where our energy is best spent, and what our ideal role actually is? For instance, as parents, it’s our job to feed, clothe, provide shelter, and generally protect our children from harm. But how far does that responsibility go? How far should it go? And at what point do you actually stifle the child’s natural development (and foster rebellion) by trying to influence them to make the same choices you would have them make?

If you think about it, it’s fairly arrogant to think that we know what’s best for anyone besides ourselves, and yet I know I’m constantly giving lip service to what other people should and shouldn’t do. What are my sage opinions based on? Do I really know what persons A, B, C, and D came here to learn or experience? Do I think that everyone should do it my way? And is my way really all that universally correct? Probably not.

Having respect for (and good boundaries with) the people in our lives means letting them be who they are even when we don’t like it. It means picking our battles and not always having to have things our way. It means believing that others are intelligent enough to make reasonable decisions, even if those decisions don’t always prove "successful." And it means taking responsibility for our own control issues.

It’s not always easy to back off and pull our hooks out of people, but if you do, you might find a wonderful (and perhaps unexpected) sense of relief in discovering that it’s not all on you. You don’t have to run other people’s lives, and, in fact, it’s undermining to their autonomy when you do.

So, how are your boundaries, and how good are you at minding your own business? What does this topic bring up for you? (Please leave me a comment. I’d love to hear from you.)

Post #80: Staying In Your Own Business

A few weeks ago, I stumbled upon the work of Byron Katie, a self proclaimed "lover of reality.” In her book, Loving What Is, Katie writes,

“I can find only three kinds of business in the universe:  mine, yours and God’s. (For me, the word God means ‘reality')........Much of our stress comes from mentally living out of our business. When I think, 'You need to get a job, I want you to be happy, you should be on time, you need to take better care of yourself,' I am in your business. When I'm worried about earthquakes, floods, or when I will die, I am in God's business." 

I found these words to be powerful, because it seems that humanity (probably not you, but perhaps someone you know) has a slight issue with boundaries, which include taking ownership of one's own life and knowing when to butt out of someone else's. When we’re in other people’s business, it can be extremely stressful and aggravating.

Why is this true? Well, for starters, we have very little control over what other people do, think, feel, or say. Secondly, when we’re wrapped up in what other people should be doing (thinking, feeling, or saying) we’re busy running their live's instead of our own. Or, perhaps, we’re running multiple people’s lives, which is exhausting to us and undermining to them. (Running one’s own life is usually about all one person can handle).

Have you ever seen the TV show, It Could Happen ? It’s a grave, scientifically-based program about all the catastrophic things that could go wrong with the earth, and how, step by step, these atrocities might unfold. The super-credible scientists on the show are always in a high state of alarm, and seem to be convinced that they’re somehow responsible for outsmarting and preventing these “acts of God”. (On a similar note, several years ago one of my husband’s scientist colleagues felt so responsible for stopping global warming that he became a very depressed alcoholic).

You get my point, but does that mean we shouldn’t care about or get involved in matters that that aren’t all about us? Does it mean we shouldn’t try to help or guide other people (including our children), animals, society, or the planet? This is really the heart of the issue, isn’t it? Where do our boundaries begin, and where (ideally) do they end?

This is a big topic, both personally and globally, and next week I’d like to explore it with you further. For now, please consider one or two areas of your life where you  might be overstepping your boundaries; maybe with regard to your children, spouse, or favorite cause.  Just notice if there’s an area of your life where you feel overly emotional, drained, angry, or powerless.  

Take care, and I’ll see you next week.

Post #79: Who Would You Be?

Lately we've been exploring the spin that our thoughts put on our life experiences. The reason this is so important is that most people assume that their perception of reality is reality itself. We talked about the driver who habitually loses his cool in traffic, and blames the traffic for causing him to behave so badly. Sometimes even the most intelligent, mature, and/or spiritual of people can go through life without realizing the connection between their thoughts and their happiness or success.

This week I wanted to focus on the idea that holding a particular thought or judgment can make us miserable and sometimes even turn us into someone we don't like. Author Byron Katie likes to ask the question, "Who would you be without that thought?" What would happen if the driver mentioned above didn't react automatically to traffic? What if he had a bout of amnesia and forgot everything he'd ever thought about traffic? How would he respond? Who would he be without the thought that traffic is a bad thing that shouldn't happen?

Chances are he'd notice that cars were slowing down, and he'd think something like, "Hmmm, I wonder why those vehicles are slowing down. There must be something going on up ahead. I wonder what it is." If he didn't feel the need to fight with reality he'd probably be a much calmer, more patient, and happy person.

As another example, think of someone you know who pushes your buttons----maybe a parent, spouse or child. What does this person do that annoys or upsets you? Let's say your husband leaves the cap off the toothpaste. The first time he ever did it you probably didn't go crazy, right? You might have even thought it was cute or child-like or quirky. But that was then. Now, years later, you dread even going into the bathroom. You're so poised to be upset about the toothpaste situation, that even when he does remember to replace the cap you feel disgusted, offended, and self-righteous.

Who would you be if you didn't have those thoughts about your husband and the toothpaste? At the very least you probably wouldn't dread entering your own bathroom. You'd probably feel like a nicer, less testy person. And your relationship with your husband would probably be more loving. You'd might be happier in general if you didn't constantly tell yourself that old story about how your husband shouldn't leave the lid off the toothpaste, and what a slob he is.

This week, gentle reader, I ask you to pick a troublesome thought from your head and ask yourself the question, "Who would I be without that thought?" Just imagine that having the usual response is somehow impossible, and see how you feel.

Please Let me know how this goes. I'd love to hear from you.

                              

Post #78: What's Your Story?

Last week we began looking at the stories we tell ourselves to explain what's going on around us and inside of us. These stories range from blissfully happy and life-affirming, to devastatingly tragic, angry, and depressing. We don't mean to make ourselves miserable, but so often we do just that.

Have you ever noticed how differently two people can perceive the same situation. Let's look at a common example: commuter traffic. Given the identical situation, person A perceives the delay, accepts that this is to be expected, and uses the time to enjoy her audio book or make a few phone calls.

Person B, on the other hand, perceives the delay and immediately reacts. His blood pressure spikes and he begins shouting and pounding on the steering wheel. His mind cycles through every possible negative consequence of the delay:  arriving late to work, getting fired, being upset for the rest of the day. He feels trapped and victimized. The underlying thought is: "This shouldn't be happening!"

If you think about it, perception is the greatest factor in how we handle any situation we encounter. One person's "nightmare" is another person's regular work day, and one person's heaven is another person's hell. Sure, some situations are unspeakable, and I never mean to invalidate people's suffering, but our perception of any situation can mean the difference between becoming suicidal and finding joy in one's life.

An example of this is a little girl I once saw on TV who had been born with multiple birth defects and serious health challenges. After the surgery to repair her cleft palate, she was so delighted with the results that she exclaimed, "Look at me---I'm sooooo pretty now!" I cried when I heard her words, because this precious child was still severely disfigured, yet she didn't see herself that way at all. How blessed is she?

In her book, Loving What Is, Byron Katie writes, "Every story is a variation on a single theme: This shouldn't be happening. I shouldn't have to experience this. God is unjust. Life isn't fair." Clearly, this is the victim stance, which we all fall into from time to time. But what about its opposite:  "I shouldn't have done that. I'm always screwing up. Eating that cupcake just proves I have no self-control. No wonder nobody loves me." ? This storyline is every bit as toxic.

So, what stories do you tell yourself over and over again? This week, I ask you to listen to your thoughts. Let's pretend that all situations are basically neutral. What spin do you add to them? Notice the themes that present themselves, positive and negative. Know that you can change your life by being willing to confront the stories that do not serve you.

Have a beautiful week.