Are You Living Your Purpose?

Over the weekend I attended a great communication workshop, and our first task as participants was to introduce ourselves by answering the following questions:
1.  What is your name?
2.  What is your passion?
3.  What is your main strength?

I thought this was a brilliant exercise because it forced people to do a quick self-evaluation---sort of a "first-thing-that-pops-into-your-head" kind of assessment of who they are. And while my responses to the first two items were predictable (especially the name part), what I blurted out as my main strength surprised me a bit. I thought to myself, "That's probably not right---I'll have to think about that..." But interestingly, as the day progressed, I came to realize that my first impression was right-on, and that these three questions seemed to be the key to understanding one's life purpose(s).

Let's take a closer look.

Your Name:  Even if you have a common name, when you introduce yourself, you are expressing an individual, one-of-a-kind energy signature. Who you are and exactly what you came here to do cannot be duplicated by anyone else in the universe. You and your life purpose are unique.

Your Passion:  What do you love to do? What were your interests as a child? What is your dream? How would you spend your time if you didn't have to worry about earning a living, taking care of others, or living up to someone else's expectations of you? One's life purpose must contain some element of passion, even if it feels conflicted, like, "I paint because I must." If you're not passionate about what you're doing, then it's probably not your highest purpose for being on this planet.
(Note: if you are most passionate about drugs, alcohol, porn, or another compulsive behavior, this is most certainly masking your true passion from expressing itself).

Your main Strength:  We all have multiple strengths. You may be creative, kind, talented, intelligent, and playful, but if you had to pick one of these, which would it be? If you polled your friends and family members, what would they say? This is key to understanding your life purpose, because fulfilling it requires great competence in at least one area of your life. (And this exceptional trait may be unacknowledged by you, such as possessing the ability to put people at ease or lift their spirits just by being in your presence). So, if you flunked 6th grade math, your life purpose probably doesn't entail becoming an astrophysicist, even if your father and grandfather are astrophysicists who hope you will follow in their footsteps!

When you recognize yourself as a unique being with specialized desires and abilities, it only makes sense that your life purpose would follow. However, so often we take for granted what we love and are good at because we think that being successful demands that we master something difficult---something that we see others doing, and admire. Maybe we think, "What I do is so easy, anyone could do it," or, "That's what I do for fun; a career involves hard work." And all too often we let parents, teachers, or other outside forces dictate what direction we take in life, and then spend years daydreaming of what we'd really like to be doing.

And so I ask you, 
What's your name?
What's your passion?
What's your main strength?

The Three Most Important Things

This morning I woke up feeling great---that is until I started going through my mental "to-do" list. Like most people between the ages of 10 and 80, I felt inundated by the litany of tasks I felt responsible for carrying out. Then, I heard a little voice in my head that said, "How much of this really matters? At the end of your life, what will have mattered?" Wow, man....heavvvy.

But this thought was not a startling revelation or brilliantly insightful. We all ask ourselves these questions periodically---it's an existential exercise, and a valuable one at that. But this morning as I considered my answers, I found myself wanting to dig deeper than usual, and the internal conversation went something like this:

Q:   At the end of my life, will it matter that I had a cluttered house?
A:   Well, it wouldn't matter that I had a cluttered house if it didn't bother me everyday and cause me to me feel disorganized and lazy. But it does bother me, so that means it really does matter.

Q:   In the final analysis, will it matter that I had a tendency to procrastinate and was not always as productive as I could have been?
A:   No, not really. As long as I got the most important things done, I could accept not being as productive as I could have been. I don't need to be perfect.

Q:   When all is said and done, would it matter whether or not I exercised my body today?
A:   It might not matter whether or not I exercised my body today, but making health a priority in my life would matter a great deal in the long run, so what I decide to do today matters.

What I learned from this inquiry was that when we project forward in time and consider the long-term effects of our habits, we can gain tremendous clarity and focus. For instance, my answers to the first two questions actually surprised me. Stepping back and seeing a bigger picture gave me a perspective that would help me focus on how to spend my efforts, and what areas I could back off on..

So, let's look at your "to-do" list and prioritize it based on the above criteria. When you consider the long-term ripple effects, which of your tasks become important, and which can you move off the "nag" page temporarily or altogether? For the sake of focus and simplicity, which are the three most important things for you to do today?

 If we take a couple minutes every day to check in with ourselves and get our priorities straight, I think we'll find that life becomes less stressful and much more manageable. It's not how much we get done that matters, but how much value we get out of what we've done.

"Latch onto the Affirmative..." Why Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sisters had it Right

Believe me, I'm as tired of hearing about "the power of positive thinking" as you are. Seriously. But I recently heard a meaningful quote that went something like this: "Most people undervalue what they have, and overvalue what they don't." And I thought about how I tend to take my accomplishments for granted (as if anyone could have done them), and then covet certain accomplishments of others. Do you ever do that? It's a bummer, if you think about it, but definitely something that can be remedied.

Every once in a while when I'm bugged at myself or someone else, I'll sit down with my journal and write out (sometimes in excruciating detail) every positive thing I can think of regarding that person. When absolutely necessary, I'll include statements like, "not a heroine addict," and "never been to federal prison,"--- whatever makes me feel better and lightens the mood! I think you'll find that this quickly helps to shift your perspective.

Another trick is to consciously focus on the good feedback you get (or other feel-good stuff that happens in your life). I've noticed that so many people will brush off compliments or kindness as if they don't mean anything, while taking criticism very seriously.

The other night, I happened  to overhear a comment made about me that was extremely welcomed and validating. This meant a lot to me because it was obviously sincere and not said just for my benefit. This morning I remembered the comment and felt great all over again. I really took it in and resolved to do that for myself on a regular basis. (Maybe jot these experiences down in a notebook and refer to them when you need a lift?)

If you keep a "to do" list, occasionally do yourself the favor of making a "have done" list. Gratitude for who you (and others) are, as well as all the progress you've made, can really improve your outlook.

How to Get out of a Funk

Everyone gets in the occasional funk. Maybe you wake up feeling ungrounded, or dreading your day, or irritated for no reason in particular. Maybe you can't relate to the people you normally love to hang out with. Maybe you're vaguely (or more than vaguely) worried about some obscure thing that might happen, but probably won't. Or maybe you're uncharacteristically grumpy or depressed or ill-behaved. You, dear friend, are in a funk.

Of course you know by now that this is normal and okay, and it doesn't have to ruin your day (although some days it will, and that's okay, too). Sometimes we're in an emotional or psychological process like grief or going through a major life change. Sometimes we're in a physical process like having the flu or PMS. We'd love to be able to be happy and steady all the time, but we humans are complicated creatures, and we're bound to experience occasional ups and downs.

But let's say you're in a light, non-complex funk, like I was in when I woke up this morning. I was basically fine and in tact physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, but I felt mildly discouraged, a little let down from returning to the salt mines after a fun three-day weekend, a little burdened and blah. What then?

You probably already know this, but being in a funk is like being stuck in a ditch. You can assess your situation all you like, think and feel about it all day long, but nothing is really going to change until you decide to climb out of the ditch. Sometimes it's a shallow ditch and all you have to do is take a couple steps, while other times the ditch is deep or slippery and requires more concerted effort to get out of.

What I've found is that most funks, big and small, can be undone by gathering up whatever energy is available in the moment, and doing something different than what the funk would have us do.

For instance, If I'm depressed, the tendency is to withdraw from life and feel sorry for myself, thus perpetuating the depression. When I'm feeling unproductive, the tendency is to sit around and contemplate all the things I should be doing, thus perpetuating the lack of productivity. And when I'm feeling  irritated, the tendency is to look out at the world with critical eyes and notice life's challenges and other people's "jerky" behavior, thus perpetuating my irritation. See how that works? The funk takes over and leaves us feeling powerless.

What to do? It's not as hard as you think, but it requires you to actively reject what the funk is telling you, and do something different---sometimes the opposite, and sometimes doing anything else will do. Going back to my earlier "discouraged/bored/blah" funk, I decided to read a book for a few minutes (even though I didn't really have time to read). Within five minutes, I was ready to move on with my day, funk-free. That's all it took.

Breaking the funky energy current is usually all it takes to redirect us, unless the funk has complicating factors built in, like it's habitual, or we're using it to punish ourselves for some perceived crime we've committed, or we're chemically imbalanced, or there's some secondary purpose it serves.

So if we're mildly depressed, irritated, or feeling another 'funky' emotion, and we want to shift it, we need to either go deeper into it, (as in journaling about it or talking to a wise friend), or reject it and do something different, (like going for a walk, listening to music, or doing the dishes). It doesn't have to be fun---it just has to break the cycle.

Please share what works for you. I'd love to hear from you. (You can leave a comment below of email me at jvshinn@wakeupsweetheart.com). Have a great week.

Getting in the Driver's Seat of Your Life

Last week we defined "owning one's space" as having healthy boundaries with others and the outside world, as well as internally managing our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Obviously this is not easy, especially if we have a history of dysfunctional family patterns, addictions, etc. But nobody's perfect, and it's okay to approach progress one step at a time. The important thing is to be willing to take an honest look at your life and to assume responsibility for any changes that need to be made.

In taking this personal inventory, let's start with the potential elephant in the room and work our way down to the old shag carpet. First things first, right?

Are you living in a dangerous or destructive situation? 

• violence or other threats, unsafe neighborhood, etc. 
• emotional or verbal abuse 
• substance abuse or other obsessive, compulsive, or self-destructive behavior 
• unmanaged mental or physical illness, injury, or obesity 
• inability to take care of yourself and/or those who depend on you
• serious financial problems

If you are experiencing (or perpetrating) any of the above, extreme action is called for. Denial or delay will only make matters worse, and you and /or your family need help now. If you don't know how to get help, look or ask around for resources or call an emergency hotline for referrals. Don't wait for disaster to strike.

Are you functioning in the world but experiencing any of the following?

• low self-esteem, fear, anger, mild depression, unforgiveness, or other emotional issues
• "bad" habits that prevent you from moving forward in your life
• lack of confidence or assertiveness that keeps you playing small
• unhealthy or "negative" belief systems that limit your good (may be cultural or religious in origin)
• attachment to the past or worry about the future
• any of a million other possible issues that prevent you from taking charge of your life

If you suffer from any of the above, welcome to the club! Identifying where your issues lie can help you direct your efforts for positive change. If you're stuck in a problem area, I suggest that you stop doing what you've always done (soliciting others' advice, starting a new diet, making a resolution that you won't keep, etc.) and instead work on developing your inner guidance which is ultimately the key to resolving all issues and taking ownership of your life. If appropriate, your inner guidance will direct you to external resources that are best suited to help you. 

There are a lot of great books, articles and classes available to help you learn to tap into your inner guidance (including many past posts from this blog, and my book, Remembering Who you Are...) If you need further recommendations, please feel free to email me at jvshinn@wakeupsweetheart.com, or leave a comment below. 

This is your year, and this is your life. Isn't it time to go for it?

Do You "Own Your Space?"

Last year, after returning home from his first year at college, my nephew seemed different. He had gone from boy to man, and from slightly cocky to truly confident. He looked me in the eye and gave me his full attention. He spoke with maturity and groundedness. "Wow," I said, "you really own your space." He smiled at Aunt Jill (who has a tendency to say things like that), and replied, "I take it that's a good thing?" Oh yes, that's a very good thing!

But what does it mean to own one's space? I think of it like this:
We each have a physical body and an energy field that extends a couple feet around our bodies in all directions. Even though energies overlap all the time, our unique energy field is our "space." Each of us is responsible, ultimately, for monitoring what comes in and what goes out of that space, and for what occurs within it (thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc). Unfortunately, many of us don't know how to monitor ourselves, so we end up getting into other people's business and trying to control them, or letting other people's energies into our business which can control us. (And don't even get me started about our rampant thoughts and feelings!)

"Owning" your space means that you have good boundaries and interact with the world in a healthy way. You know where you end and others begin. You have software that safeguards you from getting sucked into outside dramas and from sabataging yourself because of fear or low self-esteem. It's not that you never merge energies with others or get confused or controlling or controlled, but you know how to return to your center, because that's where you live. You own that real estate, and nobody else does.

I recently had an epiphany about food. I'd struggled with sugar addiction on and off since the Johnson Administration, and I was tired of letting sweets control me. Then the thought came in, "I own my own space. Sugar does not control me!" It was one of those empowering aha moments where you realize where you went wrong, and it changes you.

So, do you own your space? Chances are, in some areas you do and in others you don't. You can tell by how well your life is going. If you love your work, you own your space there. Likewise, if you have healthy, loving relationships with others, or you are physically healthy and have a good relationship with food, or you have plenty of money to thrive in this world, or you respect yourself and expect to be treated well, you own your space in that area.

On the other hand, you don't own your space in areas where there is excessive drama, addiction, compulsion, obsession, codependency, rage, depression, dependency, low self-esteem, poor health, poor boundaries, struggle, confusion, lack, etc. What to do?

Next week we'll continue the conversation and I'll share some tips on how to create balance and own your space, but for now I invite you to step back and take a quick personal inventory. In what areas of your life do you feel strong and in what areas do you feel challenged?

Take good care, and have an empowering week.

How Creative Visualization Works

You may have heard the saying, "If you can see it, you can be it," meaning that when you hold an image in your mind, it starts taking shape in your life. This is great news, except that a lot of what we hold in our minds is self-limiting, and that sometimes we don't know how to program in what we want to create. Maybe we think that desire alone will do the trick, or that intense effort will force the change.

It turns out that "just your imagination" is extremely powerful, and if you can create an image in your mind, and really see and feel yourself in that new situation, it starts to take form in the world. The caveat is that if you are conflicted in any way (by disbelief, feelings of unworthiness, competing desires, lack of clarity), you can end up blocking what it is you desire.

So, the real work of creative manifestation is twofold. First, we work on visualizing what we want as if it is already happening (as opposed to wishing for something in the future). The second step is to follow our internal guidance regarding what appropriate actions to take. (This is very important because being in the right place at the right time is no accident).

Let me give you an example from my past. During the 90's, I spent several years in graduate school and 3.000 internship hours preparing to become a marriage and family therapist. When it came time to start studying for my licensing exams, I became very nervous---and with good reason. At that time, there were two rigorous exams (written and oral), and only 30% of candidates passed the oral exam. Some of my intern friends had failed the oral exam repeatedly (and devastatingly).

I should mention that as a child, I could barely open my mouth in public. I was so painfully shy that speaking in front of others caused me to panic. I would break into a sweat, my heart would pound out of my chest, and sometimes I would dissolve into tears and run to the bathroom. Let's just say that verbal expression was not exactly my forte.

Even so, I wanted to pass this test, so I decided to apply what I had learned from Shakti Gawain's book, Creative Visualization. I began forming images in my mind of how my success on this exam might unfold. I quickly found that I needed more concrete information about what was involved in the process, so I talked to a couple people who had been through it, start to finish. Once I could visualize the steps, I spent a few minutes each day visualizing getting from where I was to where I wanted to be.

At first, it was excruciatingly difficult to conjure up the image of a successful experience. Frankly the whole thing wreaked of "I can't do this," and "this sucks." But I had already invested so many years and so many dollars to get to this point, that I had to work through it. So every night and every morning I worked on seeing a version of success and ease, from A to Z. This is the visualization that eventually evolved:

1.  I am in a peer study group with a mentor who is preparing us for the oral exam. At first, I'm nervous and intimidated, but over time I begin to gain confidence and competence. How I think, feel, and even look improves from week to week as I am transformed from nervous girl to powerful woman.

2.  I see calendar pages flipping forward to the week of the exam. I close my workbook, and state firmly to my group, "I'm ready!" They all clap and affirm that yes, I'm ready, and that I'm going to nail this.

3.  Because the exam is in another city, I pack my overnight bag and make the two-hour drive to a hotel near the conference center. I take myself out for a nice dinner, and go to bed early. The next morning I awaken refreshed and ready to shine.

4.  As I walk into the conference room and meet my two examiners, I am happy to sense that they already like me. It's a good match, and the vibe is very supportive. The "case" they present to me is one that I can easily and quickly understand, and my presentation goes off without a hitch. The examiners glance at each other as if to say, "Wow, impressive!" As I leave the room, I know for sure that I passed the exam.

5.  Fast forward to the day that I receive my test results in the mail. I open the big envelope, and the first words I see are, "Congratulations..."

The fascinating thing is that the real life process unfolded exactly that way. The right study group presented itself, with the perfect mentor for me. The actual exam weekend differed only in what the hotel looked like. Even the conference room and the examiners looked like what I had seen in my mind. Even today, it gives me goosebumps to recall the true magic of that experience.

Of course, it's neither necessary nor possible (sometimes) to know how our dream will manifest, so your visualization may not contain all the details that mine did. The how is oftentimes part of the mystery, so don't worry if you don't know how it's going to happen. The important thing is wholeheartedly holding an image that you believe, and setting the intention for "this or something better."

I'd love to hear how visualization has worked for you. Please leave a comment below, or email me at jvshinn@wakeupsweetheart.com