Battling Demons: Is It Really Necessary?

Yesterday I was involved in a group discussion regarding how best to view and deal with the dark forces that exist in our lives and in our universe. Among the comments, two themes seemed to emerge:  first, that there exists a very real discrepancy between the darker forces and those of the light, and that we lightseekers need to be prepared to stand up to the energies that would undermine us. (We're not talking about "Lord of the Rings"-like war and drama, but we shouldn't be naive Hobbits, either!)

The other line of thought was that this duality exists only in the world of the lower self, and that when we approach this issue from the stance of the already-elevated Higher Self, not only do we possess all the psychic shielding we might need, but we don't even register the existence of a threat or battle.

Personally, I find both points of view to be valid because I've experienced success and failure within each model. I've been the Hobbit, the Bambi, the innocent who "never saw it coming," and I've learned from harsh consequences that we humans have to have some street smarts when we live in this volatile neighborhood called Earth.

As well, I've experienced that the best defense is standing in your full power and glory, and that only happens when you've bumped your energy up to the next level, (which can be achieved through meditation, laughter, communing with nature, energy work, and other emotionally/spiritually-elevating practices). We can't be fearful and truly safe at the same time because fear (beyond the initial warning signal) actually weakens us.

And so I offer this: "Trust in God, but tie up your camel." Know that this can be a rough place and time, but that there's beauty and light all around it. Raise your vibration as much as you can, and stay aware of what's going on around you. I believe this is how we can bridge the gap between our human and spiritual realities.

Everyday Forgiveness: How to Give Yourself and Others Some Slack

Let's face it, we humans tend to be a judgmental bunch, wouldn't you say? I guess it's a product of duality, because ours is a world of light and dark, up and down, hard and soft, good and bad, right and wrong, and so on. While philosophies such as Buddhism are committed to accepting life on life's terms, for most of us this is a foreign concept. Most organized religions, political parties, and cultures in general, have set ideas about what's okay and what's not, and are more than happy to enlighten you as to how things, and people, should be.

And so most of us have learned to judge virtually everything and everyone we come in contact with, even if on a subtle level. Of course there's great variation among people: some are naturally more easy-going and accepting, while others are naturally more shrewd and opinionated. But it seems that most of us spend a lot of valuable time and energy judging and critiquing ourselves and others. (And they go hand-in-hand, don't they? If we're hard on ourselves we're probably hard on others, and vice versa: when we punish our kids for lying and then do it ourselves, we have to deal with the annoying hypocrisy issue. Ugh!)

So, what's to be done? I'd say if you're comfortable with the stream of thoughts that run through your head on a daily basis, then you're right where you need to be. On the other hand, if you are troubled by an internal gripefest, you might want to work on developing what I call everyday forgiveness.

What does that mean exactly? For me, there are two kinds of forgiveness: big and small. Big forgiveness is when you have to reach inside your soul and find the willingness and strength to forgive someone or something that you believe has really, really hurt you.

Small, or everyday, forgiveness is easier to implement on a case-by-case basis, but requires great persistence and commitment to master. Per my definition, everyday forgiveness means forgiving yourself and anyone else who you might be inclined to judge, condemn, or hold a grudge against. And here's how it works:

You have the thought, "Chad is a jerk." which upsets you for one or more reasons. Maybe because you believe Chad's jerk-like behavior is causing you stress, or because you believe Chad shouldn't be a jerk; or perhaps because judging Chad this way makes you feel like, well, a jerk! So what do you do? You could get into a kerfuffle with yourself and/or Chad about it, or you could just say to yourself (with as much sincerity as you can muster), "I forgive Chad for acting like a jerk, and I forgive myself for judging him."

Believe it or not, this really does work. Why? Because it feels good to cut a brother some slack, and it feels good to take responsibility for your own judgments (and then forgive yourself for having them). This can also provide useful information, because if you're intensely annoyed or judgmental toward someone over a seemingly minor infraction, and forgiving them and yourself doesn't work right away, you can be sure there's more going on there than meets the eye. It alerts you that you might need to dig a little deeper to discover what (and whom) truly requires your forgiveness.

This week I invite you to try this on and see how it goes. You might find that you need to state the idea a different way, like "I accept you, and I accept myself, in all our imperfection." Or you might find that you actually enjoy the charge you get from entertaining banter in your mind. That's fine!. But, if you discover that you are unable or unwilling to forgive yourself and/or others for being other than you want them to be, you might want to look at that, because no human is perfect and your judgments will never change that fact. Forgiving is not condoning, giving in, or even being nice---it's just allowing people to be who they are.

You Are Not Your Diagnosis

Have you ever received a medical or psychological diagnosis? The funny thing about diagnoses is that they can be very helpful---for a minute or so---but can actually exacerbate your condition if you take them on. The purpose of a diagnosis is to help health care folks quickly grasp what's going on with a patient so they can draw upon already-collected information and treatment options. It can also provide a framework for patients to understand what's happening and how they can help themselves find relief. Ideally, the diagnosis functions like toilet paper---it serves an important purpose, and then gets flushed. (Well, maybe not flushed, but you get my point.)

When I was studying psychology in graduate school, I took a class called Diagnosis and Assessment. It was based on a diagnostic manual called the DSM-III, which was the bible of psychiatrists and psychotherapists. I remember buying my own shining copy of the DSM-III, and handling it with great reverence and care. I thought it was scientific and authoritative, and that the disorders in the book were, I don't know, real. I studied it carefully, and busily diagnosed myself and everyone I had ever known. Oh my God! Who knew we were all so screwed up?

It wasn't until I'd been practicing psychotherapy for several years that I realized the DSM-III was, well, a bunch of hooey. These supposed "disorders," I eventually realized, were just the human psyche doing what the human psyche does:  feeling stuff, thinking stuff, and getting itself trapped in certain, often stereotypical, patterns, like anxiety, depression, and phobias. These serious-sounding diagnoses were usually (but not always) normal thoughts and emotions that had taken an unfortunate turn and eventually developed into an affliction. (And as I review my medical history, I can apply the same observation regarding physical diagnoses.....the body doing what the body does in response to personal and environmental factors).

This is not to say that we should dismiss and ignore these symptoms or diagnoses. If we're suffering (physically, mentally, or emotionally), we want to find a way to help ourselves, as well as seek outside help if necessary. And there is a great deal of information and help available, some of which is critical to our survival, and much of which can make us sicker and more desperate.

Identifying with your Diagnosis

I could go on about the ills of the medical system, lack of understanding regarding the mind-body connection, the misuse of prescription drugs, etc., but honestly I think the biggest problem with medical and psychological diagnoses is that we, the patients, tend to hand over our personal authority to imperfect systems, and then over-identify with the labels they slap on us. "I am Bill," becomes, "I am Bipolar." And "I am Denise," becomes "I am disabled." Then, a whole, personal universe forms around that diagnosis:  fear, resistance, alienation, dehumanization, feeling broken or defective..

The following is a quote from Robert Schwartz's book, Your Soul's Gift, which can be adapted to virtually any diagnosis, disorder, or disability:

"If one could look at depression, anxiety, fear, or any other negative emotion [or illness] as just one part of the self that is confused [or not well], then there would be another part of the self that could look at this with an understanding and a gentleness that would reassure it. But people tend to identify completely with their depression, anxiety, or fear, and then feel unbalanced. They cannot find their core, their true self, anymore. The first thing to realize is that you are not your fear [or addiction, or illness, or disability]. You could see the fear, for instance, as a child who comes to you for help. By seeing it that way, you will feel that you are much bigger than the fear. You can get in touch with the child, speak with it, and understand it. Sometimes a therapist can play the role of this parent or guide. The key always is to find a place in your awareness from which to look at the fear and not be the fear." 

And so I leave you with this idea that you are not your diagnosis, and you never could be. Underneath it all, you are a brilliant, radiantly healthy soul who is experiencing a little, or a lot, of imbalance in your physical manifestation. Even if your body is terminally ill or you have a debilitating mental illness, know that this is not who you are---it's just what you're going through right now. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, and if you can reconnect with your inner knowing, you'll realize, firsthand, that this is true.

Your Feelings: How to Honor Them without Building a City around Them

For many years, proponents of the law of attraction paradigm have been reminding us not to indulge in "negative" thoughts or feelings because these thoughts and feelings are the building blocks of our reality. I get where they're coming from, and I know it's absolutely true, but creating a happy life requires more than practicing affirmations and visualizations, and banishing certain thoughts and feelings from our minds. (People who truly understand the law of attraction are crystal clear about this, but this isn't true for everyone). The reality is that resisting our dark thoughts and uncomfortable emotions can create a world of hurt where peace and acceptance could have lived.

You've probably seen the inspirational posters on Facebook, and many of them are fantastic, but lately I've become troubled by the deluge of messages telling us that transcending our humanness is just a thought away: "One moment spent in anger is one less moment spent in joy." As a former psychotherapist, I can tell you that one moment spent in any authentic feeling (even rage) can be the best thing that ever happened to us, and one moment spent stuffing an important feeling can lead to our doom. (Note that many of our repetitive, everyday feelings are actually distortions of the true feelings they mask: depression may be repressed anger, or anger may be repressed sadness.)

Emotions are built-in messengers that let us know when something is up. Emotions are also the body's way of processing and releasing energies that could take root and become unhealthy. Toddlers understand this. When they're sad or hurt, they cry. When they're angry, they kick and scream. When they're scared, they actively seek comfort and protection. Then they move on. They feel it, express it, and let it go. They don't plot revenge for something that happened last week. Why, then, are emotions so difficult for older children and adults to handle?

The problem lies in the socialization process, which is often like the blind leading the blind. Parents, teachers, and society can only teach what they know, which often is made up of messages such as:

"anger is unladylike (or unattractive)"
"men don't cry"
"just get over it"
"look on the bright side"
"you shouldn't feel that way"
"smile!"
"one moment spent in anger is one less moment spent in joy"

Can you hear the fear in these messages? Your emotions are dangerous. Feeling them can hurt you. But the truth is that not feeling them can hurt you. Swallowing them (so they can fester for years in your body and psyche) is the real danger. And trying to repress thoughts doesn't work any better. When people are chronically angry, depressed, addicted, sick, self-destructive, or in pain, most often it means that they didn't know how to manage the landscape of their psychological lives, and these repressed or distorted thoughts and feelings found a convenient, but unsavory, place to camp out.

The sad irony in all this is that our original, real, pure, and true feelings are usually pretty easy to manage when we allow them to be felt and expressed, and when we don't make up stories that lead to a lot of crazy thoughts. When we're sad, we feel it and perhaps shed a tear (even if we're a man). When we're angry, we allow the feeling to be there and maybe even express it (even if we're a woman). We don't let it go underground and wreak future havoc.

This week, I ask you to observe what you do when an uncomfortable thought or emotion arises. Do you simply notice it and/or feel it for a moment without going into a reaction? Or do you argue with it, tell it to go away, try to rise above it, or reach for the Oreos? I've done all of the above (and still do occasionally), but believe me, you are strong enough to handle your emotions, especially if you deal with them as they arise. And if you feel initially overwhelmed by old stuff coming up to be released, seek the help of a therapist or wise friend. In the long run it's worth it. You're worth it.

If Your Life Had a Theme, What Would it Be?

Do you ever gaze at the nighttime sky and contemplate the vastness of the universe and time? If so, you've probably realized how fleeting our little (but important) life experiences are in the grand scheme of things. And just as weekends and vacations can provide much needed distance from our work-a-day dramas, so can a conscious act of stepping back from our lives help to provide valuable perspective and direction.

There's a fascinating book by hypnotherapist Robert Schwartz, called Your Soul's Gift: The Healing Power of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born. This (as well as Schwartz's first book) contains case studies of clients with current-life challenges involving poverty, disability, adoption, violent crime, etc., and discusses how and why these life events are planned by the souls involved for the purpose of learning specific lessons, some of which are excruciatingly difficult. Dealing with these issues sets the stage for major life themes, and this occurs within the context of a multi-life journey of intense learning and growth. (Note: the earth experience is not for the faint-hearted!)

You may or may not believe in reincarnation or pre-birth planning (I know these concepts may seem foreign or even outrageous to some), but the idea that every human life has an overall theme that we can use as a handle for growth and personal progress is worth looking at.

What is the Theme of Your Life?

If you were to step back from your life and view it from the time you were born, through all the meaningful relationships, events, and emotional content, up until today, what words would you use to describe the major themes of your life? What have you struggled with repeatedly:  loss, guilt, abandonment, failure, rage, low self-esteem, addiction, lack, depression?  What about the positives:  safety, abundance, love, health, humor, success, friendship, emotional balance, ease?

Now, take that list of words and pare it down even further. If your life were a novel or a play, what would the storyline be? You might even try scribbling a few sentences and see which one fits best, such as, "This is the story of a nervous little girl who, through repeated trials, grew up to become a strong and courageous woman." Or, "This is a story about a sickly boy who wanted more than anything to be an athlete, and how he came to be a teacher and model of health and fitness."

If your story doesn't have a successful-sounding ending, don't worry---it just means that it's not over yet! It never really is, because as long as we're souls on a journey, we're learning and growing. If you can identify a theme (there may be more than one) and see progress of any kind, you're doing fine. If you can't see a theme or detect progress, then you might benefit from talking to a wise friend, therapist, or life coach who can help you gain clarity and connect with your inner guidance.

Women, Purpose, and Self-Doubt

Last week, we talked about the unusually high occurrence of deaths, sudden illnesses, and divorces lately, and how many of us are either grieving a direct loss or tapping into a mass consciousness of loss. This week, I wanted to address a similar---and probably related---phenomenon I've noticed among women.

I've been speaking with women of various ages lately, and virtually all of them have expressed a sense of being "lost" and/or feeling that they are not fulfilling their life purpose/goals. They say that they're spread too thin and are disappointed with themselves for not being able to manage more. There's been a slightly or moderately depressed feeling among most of these women, even the ones who are usually very upbeat.

What is going on? Why, after all the good work we've done, do we feel discouraged and defeated? Why the subtle attack on our self worth? Why do we feel a loss of purpose?

I've been contemplating these questions, and even though I can't spell out why this is up right now, I do get a strong sense that we're all in a process of huge transition, that there are changes going on in the world/universe that are pushing us out of the old ways and into something new. I believe we are grieving and reassessing virtually everything, and that's bound to throw us off balance, and cause doubts and growing pains.

The message I'm getting, loud and clear, is that we (women, especially, but also men) need to be extra patient and kind with ourselves and each other right now, and find a way to appreciate who we are and what we've already accomplished.

I believe we would benefit most by allowing for a period of uncertainty, without judgment or pressure to perform or make tangible progress. You might think of this as a gestation period---a time when your most important tasks are to rest as much as possible, nurture yourself, and make space for that which is yet to come.

Accepting Change and Loss

We live in an time of tremendous---and sometimes turbulent---change. In fact, many of us believe that one major era is ending while another is beginning. As an empath (someone who is acutely sensitive to the energies of people, places, etc.) I have found that the last year or so has brought about so much upheaval (sudden illnesses, deaths, divorces, tragedies, extreme emotions and reactions), that I am forced to see life differently---as much more transient---than I did before.

Unwelcome change can be difficult, and there are two primary ways of dealing with it. We can either try to accept the change as an inevitable part of human life (and as something with potential meaning beyond what our rational minds can comprehend), or we can do what our ego likes to do and resist anything it doesn't like. Neither path is particularly easy, but one offers freedom, peace, and new possibilities, while the other holds us captive until we are forced to accept the change.

Of course, the grief that comes with great loss follows the beat of its own drummer, and it is quite normal for a person to go through various stages of emotional resistance before acceptance can be found. Suffering a loss of great magnitude can take time and focused intention to heal.

If you or someone you know is experiencing a difficult life change, I encourage you to seek help and assistance in working through the feelings, if necessary, so you don't get stuck in resistance and grief. Time does heal, but only if one's mind allows it.