Managing the Inner Saboteur

Do you ever feel split? Like there are different, conflicting parts of you operating? Maybe part of you wants to work hard and succeed in your career, while another part is lazy or afraid of success. Maybe your lifelong dream is to be lean and fit, while another part of you just wants to slump on the couch, eating potato chips and twinkies, and watching old reruns of Melrose Place. Or maybe you really, really, really want to get married and start a family, but you reject any man who shows interest in you (and are attracted to those who are unavailable or rejecting).

Gentle reader, you're not alone. We humans all have complex psyches with conflicting goals and values (and some of us are more complicated than others!) Lately, I've been doing "parts" work, which means sitting down with a pen and paper, and conversing with various psychological parts. Even though the psyche acts, more-or-less, as a unified whole, it's actually made up of subpersonalities that serve different functions. Some typical ones include: critic, protector, controller, wounded child, people pleaser, and rebel. And each part has a very good reason for existing, or at least it did at one time in your life.

What does this mean? Let's say you're eight years old and your parents are still micromanaging your life as if you are four. On the surface, this is frustrating and embarrassing, but deep down inside your psyche knows it's preventing you from achieving the sort of independence you need to develop, so it establishes an inner rebel or freedom fighter----a part of you that will make independent decisions, no matter what. You might start openly challenging your parents' authority, or, if that feels too threatening, you'll do what you want behind their backs. From an external perspective, this might look like something's gone wrong, but on the inside you will have succeeded in establishing a bit of independence.

Another example is the yo-yo dieter. A pattern of habitual overeating may have begun the first time you went on a restrictive diet (or, if you were a college student, spent your week's food budget on beer), and your body/mind interpreted it as a starvation situation (which it sort of was). Right then and there, a new part may have been born in you that was responsible for keeping you alive by encouraging you to eat whenever food was available (after all, the next famine might be just around the corner!) So after that, every time you went on a diet, the survivalist part of you would kick in and make sure you got plenty to eat.

Or maybe you're alone, even though you deeply crave a relationship. You probably have a part that is trying to keep you safe from getting hurt (again), or being controlled (again), or risking a painful divorce (like your parents). Somewhere inside of you is a part that is trying to help you in the only way it knows how.

The great thing about these parts is that they are really trying to serve you, never trying to hurt you. Or as author and Purpose Consultant Tim Kelley would say, "There is no such thing as a bad part. There are bad relationships to parts and parts behaving badly, but no bad parts."

This is fascinating stuff that will improve your relationship with yourself, so please join me here next week as we discuss how to work with the parts of you that might be getting in the way of your happiness or success. See you then.

(And just so we're clear, the picture of the lady with the curlers and assorted pastries is not me----although I must admit she bears a striking resemblance!)

Miracles, Quantum Leaps, and Life-Changing Events

Last week, we talked about becoming more accepting of the ups and downs of life, and not expecting ourselves to make sudden, permanent changes (like never eating carbs again, or vowing to exercise six days a week until the end of time). I called this "magical thinking," or wanting to make something so just by wishing for it.

When my husband read the post, his comment was, "Well, you've got a point there, but what about miracles, quantum leaps, and life-changing events? This sounds like they don't exist" Of course he had a point, too, and I admit I have seen many cases of people's lives turning around suddenly and permanently due to seemingly divine forces of intervention. It happens all the time.

But not really.

What I mean to say is that, globally and cosmically, these things do happen all the time, but when it comes to our personal, everyday lives, major miracles, quantum leaps, and life-changing events happen sporadically, infrequently, and unpredictably. Smaller miracles, which come in all shapes and sizes, may happen frequently, but not usually because our egos have willed them into existence. These occurrences truly are magical, unlike the magical "thinking" we use to try to manipulate our minds and the laws of the universe.

As a child, I was a big fan of the TV shows Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie. These special ladies had real magical powers, and I thought I should have them too. But try as I might, I was unable to manifest their powers in my life. Dejected, I resigned myself to a "normal" life.

But then, over the years, magic crept back into my universe, and I started believing again, which was wonderful. Mostly. Because there's a blurry line between what we can experience through deep personal transformation and what we can manifest by wiggling our noses (like Samantha) and hoping that something extraordinary will work for us this time (when it never has before). Trust me, no matter how much you "want" to make something so, it doesn't work that way.

So this week, I invite you to believe in miracles, but don't set yourself up for failure and disappointment by expecting them for free, around every bend. Some days we'll walk up a steep hill only to find another one waiting for us, and that's okay. It's all just life. It's an ongoing process and a sometimes magical, sometimes just muggle, journey.

Busting the Myth of "Once and for All" and "From Now On..."

 When it comes to changing undesirable habits, there are three kinds of people in the world: those who don’t even try, those who are realistic in their expectations, and those (magical thinkers) who say things like, “Starting tomorrow, I will never eat sugar again,” and, “I am giving up complaining, once and for all.” 

Personally, I've always been of the magical thinker ilk, but lately it’s been dawning on me that all-or-nothing, perfectionist thinking is not my friend, and can actually be a set-up for inner drama and repeated failure. When we renounce the unrenounceable (like sugar, or the occasional complaint, or 95% of the things we routinely do), we are assuming that the conviction we might be experiencing in that moment is somehow permanent, in spite of a life-long history of ups and downs that should serve as evidence to the contrary.

I recently read the following quote by the Buddhist teacher, Pema Chӧdrӧn:

We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy…..Thinking that we can find some lasting pleasure and avoid pain is what in Buddhism is called samsara, a hopeless cycle that goes round and round endlessly and causes us to suffer greatly.

You might think this sounds negative and underachiever-ish, like if you’re an alcoholic you might as well just keep on drinking. But that’s not the point. The point is that everything’s a process, and ups and downs are to be expected. Just because you stop drinking or smoking or popping M&Ms, doesn't mean you’re home free. Finding the strength to halt destructive behavior is huge, yes, but it’s just one step on the path. Other steps will follow, and they won't all be easy. We just need to hang in there with the gritty day-to-day process. We don’t really have a choice.

I loved reading this quote, though, because it gave me permission to dispense with the magical thinking that has been driving me crazy all my life. (Thank goodness I’ll never do that again, right?) The funny thing is that we modern-day Westerners are rarely exposed to such even keeled advice. Maybe it’s because nonstop advertisements have us believing that we can having lasting love, success, happiness, and youth just by buying a certain brand of toothpaste. Or maybe it's the fairy tales that always end with "And they lived happily ever after." 

This week I invite you to examine your objectives and notice how they are affecting your life. Are you expecting too much, too little, or approaching life in a balanced and realistic way? Maybe it's time to find a deeper level of acceptance of ourselves and life itself.

Is Karma Our Friend?

            The law of karma, or cause and effect, is one of the most misunderstood of the universal laws.This is due to our ego’s orientation toward duality: right and wrong, innocence and guilt, victim and perpetrator. Through the eyes of the ego (and society), if we do something “bad,” we expect to be punished, whereas if we do something “good,” we expect to be rewarded. From the perspective of Spirit, it is not so black and white. 
            Unlike the physical world, in the spirit world there’s nobody outside of ourselves judging us or deciding what price we’re going to pay for our deeds. Ultimately, we are our only judges. Rather than dole out rewards or punishment,  karma acts as a neutral accounting system, one that has the effect of balancing that which may previously have been out of balance. 
            Like the law of attraction, the law of karma says that every thought, word and action acts like a boomerang. Whatever we throw out there will eventually come back to us---just because that's the law. It might not look the same, but the lesson or the vibrational content will match. It may come back to us instantaneously, like the guilt we feel when we’ve hurt someone’s feelings (or the joy we feel when we've done something kind), or it may take lifetimes to manifest, but manifest it will.
           The important thing to realize is that the process of karma is ultimately our friend. The hard-won lessons from our past have shaped us into better people today. Who we are now is the sum total of all our thoughts, words, and actions that came before. And if that's not a great comfort to you, don't worry. You can turn it all around right now----because this is the most important moment, the most relevant moment, there is.
           Remember what the great Yogananda said, "A saint is a sinner who never gave up." 

Meditation: It's Not Complicated

                         
First of all (in my defense), I’d like to say that I've done a fair bit of meditating in my life. Have I been a regular meditator for decades? Not really, unless you call chronic spacing out "meditation." My experience in this area has been the kind where you purposely float off to other (more interesting) worlds and see unearthly lights, angelic beings, and perhaps one’s self in a past life or parallel reality. It’s fun---if you like that sort of thing---and it can be helpful in terms of spiritual growth and expansion.

Because I am that sort of seeker, I have never been drawn to the kind of meditation where you simply observe your breathing and stay in your body. I thought this type of practice was reserved for those whose minds were more disciplined than my own. And I was right, but I had it backwards---their minds weren't naturally disciplined. They earned that status through, you guessed it, regular meditation.

Once I clearly realized this, and realized how much I now wanted this, I ran out and signed up for the “Intro to Zen Buddhism” class at a local Monastery. I was willing to do whatever form of meditation they asked me to do, because Buddhists are sort of world experts in the area of disciplining one’s mind. I knew they had something valuable to teach me. 

The first class session was a great experience---very calming---and we were simply asked to sit quietly, inhale slowly, and then silently count while exhaling: 1,2,3,4,5… We were encouraged to stay focused on this simple exercise, but not try to control our breathing or indulge ourselves in the mind's usual parade of thoughts. Some inhales or exhales were longer than others. No worries.

It was all very simple and straightforward, so much so that I left feeling pleased at how well I had done on my first try. (The other pleasing feature was that while I stayed grounded in my body, breathing and counting, I simultaneously had a little of that floating experience that I enjoy so). I was encouraged.

During the week, I practiced the meditation several times, not because of some new found “discipline” or because it was homework, but mostly because I knew I could succeed at simply breathing and counting the breaths. I could do it for one minute, five minutes, or for 30 minutes, and there was no expectation of getting into any particular “zone” or finding Nirvana in that short period.

It was a no-pressure exercise, and since I am a beginner, I didn't demand perfection from myself. If my mind wandered, no problem. If I did it lying down instead of sitting, well at least I was practicing. I didn't feel any struggle of any kind, which all of a sudden made me want to meditate regularly.

If you've been intimidated by the perceived rigors of meditation, or by fears of failing to do it right, or even by fears of getting sucked into outer space or some unfamiliar crevice of your psyche, try the simple practice of counting breaths. It is a practical, easy, and non-threatening way to start your career in meditation. It’s relaxing, grounding, and great for disciplining the body and mind to calm down and stop overreacting to life.

Authenticity: What It Is and Why You Want It

I remember being in graduate school twenty-some-odd years ago, and hearing fellow psychology students speak of "authenticity," which they defined as being true to one's own personality, spirit, or character despite external pressures.They were existentialists, I think, and even though I admired their integrity, I didn't pay much attention to them. In my mind, I was honest enough, genuine enough.

It wasn't until recently that the subject came up for me again. I had spent decades being a good person and having good intentions, but I realized that---as a Scorpio, an introvert, and a human---there were ways in which I had been slightly secretive, self-protective, and, at times even a smidge manipulative. There were ways in which I had traded parts of myself for peace or security.

I looked around and noticed that most people were in the same boat. Very few fit into the category of truly authentic, which I would define as deeply honest, ethical, transparent in one's thoughts, feelings, and intentions, and true to self and others.

To get a better sense of what authenticity looks like and why you'd want to be it, let's do a quick exercise. First, think of someone you know who you trust implicitly, someone who is forthcoming with their real thoughts and feelings, and who would never try to manipulate you in any way. When you're with this person, you can relax and let your guard down. What you see is what you get. This is an authentic person.

Next, think of someone who throws you off balance a little. Maybe they're nice sometimes and not so nice other times. Maybe they have a way of getting you to agree to things that you're not comfortable with, or you notice yourself feeling guilty, angry, confused or conflicted around them. Maybe they tell you half-truths, omit relevant information, or make promises that they don't always keep. Most likely, this is a person who has not yet discovered the joys of authenticity.

And where do you fit into this discussion? Chances are you're very honest and genuine in some areas, but not in others. For instance, maybe you tell the truth unless you know it will hurt some one's feelings, or get you yelled at. Or you're true to your friends, but not to yourself. Maybe you're honest and forthcoming about what you think, but not about what you feel.

Being authentic is not easy, especially if we come from a family or culture that operates on the assumption that we must maintain a cautious stance lest we make ourselves vulnerable to attack or manipulation. Or perhaps we come from a culture where communication is risky or indirect, and we've had to devise clever ways of getting our needs met.

This week, I invite you to do a personal inventory. Perhaps list the ways you are authentic, and the ways you are not. It might also be interesting to look at your background as well as current relationship to authenticity. Are you happy with your degree of personal integrity and honesty? Are you aware of when you are manipulating a situation for your own benefit, or because you don't know how to ask for what you want directly? Are you true to yourself and those around you?

This might be a humbling exercise (I know it was for me), but just being willing to do an honest appraisal of yourself and your relationships is an act of great courage, intention, and, yes, authenticity!

What's So Great About Journaling?

If you've ever cried (or exploded) over "spilled milk," you know what happens when we don't manage our feelings and stress. Someone who is practiced in the art of identifying and releasing emotions is rarely caught off guard by her own unexpected and exaggerated reactions. If you want to learn to identify and get familiar with your emotional landscape, there's perhaps no better way than through the practice of journaling.

Granted, not everyone is a good candidate for journaling---for one reason or another---but if you do find it beneficial to write out your thoughts and feelings, you will be amazed at the wisdom and clarity you gain from this most valuable tool.

Whenever I find myself feeling confused, depressed, irritable, or tense, I know it's time to sit down with my journal and just write. It usually starts out with, "I don't know why I'm feeling so..." Usually within twenty minutes I'm not only clear about what's been bothering me, but I've received inner guidance about what to do, and the acute distress is 90-100 percent resolved. It's like magic.

At the beginning of each journaling session, it's not a bad idea to apply some form of psychic protection, like visualizing yourself surrounded by light, saying a prayer, or calling in your angels. The reason for this is that journaling, like meditating, can open us up, and we don't want to be left vulnerable to outside (energetic) influences.

While there are countless journaling styles and techniques, one of the most powerful tricks I've found is to be willing to start out foolish and finish wise. What does that mean? When you start out foolish, you're saying, "I admit that I don't know what's going on here. I'm behaving badly, being a drama queen. I thought I'd made a lot of progress, but apparently I have not. Higher Self (Universe, God), please help me sort this out!" By honestly expressing how you really feel in the present moment, and "surrendering" it,  you are opening the door to the channeling of your highest guidance. This is what is meant by being willing to "finish wise."

The problem that some people face with journaling is that they approach it in a lopsided fashion. Either they are too formal and present their thoughts as if they already have it all together---as if the lower self does not require a voice or even exist; or they spew endlessly from the lower self perspective without ever inviting the Higher Self to weigh in. The real benefit comes from giving each side a voice. This is one of the important ways in which the ego becomes healed and integrated with our higher aspects of Self.

This week, I invite you to do a little writing. You don't need to know what you're doing. Just open a notebook and let your stream of consciousness flow. Feel free to ramble, complain, say mean things, vent, you name it! But before you finish, make sure you've made a space for a higher aspect of yourself to say a few words. This will probably happen naturally, but if not, consciously invite it in. It's like free therapy, and the best part is that it comes straight from your own source.