Should Failure Really Not Be an Option?

If you saw the film, Apollo 13, you might remember the tense scene where Gene (Ed Harris) responds to the doomed status of the spacecraft and it's astronauts, by saying: "We've never lost an American in space and we're sure as hell not going to lose one on my watch. Failure is not an option!"

And then there was the scene in the film, Avengers, where the attacked Agent Coulson lays dying, and says to the power-hungry Loki, "You're going to lose. It's in your nature....you lack conviction."

Let's face it, it's cooler to possess conviction than to flop around and possibly fail, but is it advisable to need to succeed? To not allow for failures along the way?

Ironically, if you look at the most "successful" people in history, you'll discover that they were the ones who failed over and over again, but never gave up. They might have experienced doubt, frustration, even humiliation, but they kept on truckin' because their objective or life purpose was more important than their pride. They were on a mission.

I remember being in high school and hearing an athletic boy say that while he was good at certain sports, he refused to try new sports that he knew he wouldn't be great at. I remember thinking that that sounded pretty dumb, and that his need to maintain a prideful self-image would surely limit him in life.

But don't most of us do this to some extent? We avoid trying things that might fail. Sometimes this is perfectly reasonable, like when we've flunked out of sixth grade math and decide not to pursue a career in tax accounting. That just makes sense. But when we habitually play it safe because a voice inside us says "failure is not an option" then we've made our world a very small place. Succeeding at "sure-things" is not what we're most proud of on our death beds. 

Failure, in some areas, has to be okay in order to grow and thrive. There are high stake and low stake situations, and it's very appropriate to take risks when the stakes are not high (for instance, when failure has no substantial consequences). But, if you have a big life purpose, you'll probably have to go out on a limb more than the average person, if you want to succeed.

This week, I invite you to listen to your inner guidance that's nudging you to step out of your comfort zone in service of an important goal or purpose. Maybe you need to take a stand or make your ideas known. Maybe you need to approach someone who might reject you. Or maybe you need to seriously consider leaving a job that's not right for you. These actions require boldness, and there's no guarantee that you'll get the outcome you want, but if you don't take action, what will be the result?

The Trouble with Positive Thinking...

Everyone knows that having a positive outlook yields better life results than being a "Negative Nelly." Surely, glass-half-empty folks are more likely to be lonely, depressed, and generally unhappy, than their cheerful counterparts. In fact, Law of Attraction enthusiasts (of the extreme variety) often refuse to allow themselves the luxury of a sad or angry thought.

You might have heard someone murmur the phrase: "cancel, clear, delete!" following a momentary lapse into humanness. In fact, I once attended a week-long conference where the facilitator (who taught us this phrase) banned participants from stating anything that smacked of doubt, limitation, or negativity of any kind. (Ironically, those who slipped up were harshly brow-beaten!)

While the ability to perceive a silver lining is a beautiful thing, it's not everything. And there comes a point where the need to stay positive actually represents a desperate fear of not being able to cope with the real ups and downs of life. It can represent a deep-seated fear that one's thoughts and feelings, if left unchecked, would wreak total and absolute havoc.

Facing Reality

Not long ago, I heard some tragic news about a family I know. It was so shocking that it stayed with me for several days. One morning at 4:00 am, I woke up thinking about what had happened. In the darkness, the images in my mind threatened to overcome me like a great wave. I tried a few evasion tactics: changing the mental channel, reframing the situation in a spiritual light, surrendering it all to God, etc., but nothing worked, so I decided to face the images head-on. I looked at the tragedy and the suffering and the loss, and just felt it. There was nothing else to do.

Amazingly, within five seconds the emotional ordeal was over for me, and my mind was peaceful and still. The wave had washed over me and was gone. The fifteen excruciating minutes I had previously spent trying to dodge the human thoughts and feelings had caused me immense suffering, while the five seconds I spent facing the real thoughts and feelings set me free. After that, I was able to let it go.

Dawson Church, the Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) author, writes: "The cognitive frame of accepting what is opens the path to change in a profound way. It's quite difficult to do this in our culture, which bombards us with positive thinking. Positive thinking actually gets in the way of healing in many cases, while acceptance provides us with a reality-based starting point congruent with our experience."

And so it seems that being in touch with our worldly realities, and being willing to accept our human thoughts and feelings, is actually a great first step to manifesting a healthy, happy, and sane life. Conversely, stuffing feelings and pasting on a happy face can lead to disease, addiction, emotional instability, and the threat of being extremely annoying to those around us :)

Four Paths: Which One's Right for You?

If you're like many of us, you've read and become interested in various spiritual and/or psychological practices, such as meditation, energy work, psychotherapy, surrendering to a higher power, affirmative prayer, creative visualization, mindfulness, yoga, devotional practices, journaling, or voice-dialoging with Higher Self, guides, or subpersonalities. 

Or maybe you've found (or been born into) a particular religion or philosophy with which you identify fully, such as Judaism, Islam, Fundamentalist Christianity, New Age Metaphysics,  Buddhism, or Devotional practices. 

Personally, I've been a dabbler, because I've always found many spiritually-based ideas to have merit and to hold a critical puzzle piece of the great mystery of life. Still, I was occasionally perplexed when it came to seemingly conflicting ideas. Was the practice of mindfulness more beneficial for me than the practice of creative manifestation? One said that acceptance would lead to peace, while the other said you had to create your own peace. Whaaaaaaat?

And so it went, until I came across a phenomenal class handout by Tim Kelley, (a world-class thinker, author, and Life Purpose consultant). Kelley's "Four Paths" (which are different than Hinduism's four paths of enlightenment)  are general approaches to spirituality based on how people manage two major life components:  Ego (or lower self), and Trusted Source (which could be God, Budhha, Higher Self, Jesus, a Guardian Angel, etc., depending on the individual).

According to Kelley, there are four possible configurations or paths: 

1.   High ego, low trusted source:   The Path of Power

2.   Low ego, low trusted source:    The Path of Presence

3.   Low ego, high trusted source:   The Path of Piety

4.   High ego, high trusted source:  The Path of Purpose

In each case, the two components weigh in differently and create a psycho-spiritual direction for us. And each path has its pros and cons, or potential benefits and pitfalls. 

The Path of Power emphasizes personal goals and achievement, while minimizing the role of Source. The Path of Presence deemphasizes both the ego and the role of Trusted Source, in favor of the practice of mindlfulness. The Path of Piety diminishes the role of the ego in favor of serving and surrendering to a Higher Power. And the Path of Purpose empowers and engages both the ego and the Trusted Source, and enlists them to work together in service of one's life purpose. 

I found this perspective ingenious, as it points directly to the individual's (or philosophy's) core values. After reflecting on this, I realized that while I value aspects of each spiritual/psychological approach, I am (and always have been) on the Path of Purpose. As always, I am free to dabble, practice mindfulness, surrender when it feels right, and set goals when I want to make something happen.

What about you? Are you on a conscious path that falls into one of the above categories? If you're not sure, or would like more information, please check out The Four Paths work by Tim Kelley. (And consider taking one of his life-changing classes).

Have a great week.

Emotions as Signposts

As human beings, we are equipped with emotional bodies that serve the purpose of guiding us on our life path. What this means is that when we feel "positive" emotions (love, peace, joy), it's a sign that we're in alignment with our Higher Selves and that we're going in the right direction. When we feel "negative" emotions (anger, fear, jealousy), it is a sign that we are out of alignment with our Higher Selves and/or we've bumped into a hurt place within us that is seeking to be healed. It also may be that our guidance is cautioning us about some real-world danger.

Due to our immersion in what could be called the "polarity game," many of us lost sight of that natural system of checks and balances, and came to believe that suffering was normal, unpredictable, and had nothing to due with whether we were on our path or not.

While it's true that the human condition is fraught with challenges and occasional suffering, someone who follows her inner radar has a very different life experience than someone who wanders off into the dark forest alone, without regard for the howling sounds in the distance.

This week, I ask you to notice where your emotions are pointing you. If you tend to be anxious, phobic, or obsessive-compulsive, there's certainly some out-of-control-feeling fear hidden inside of you that needs to be examined. If you're depressed, you've probably buried some rage or sadness, that is taking all your energy to keep buried. If you're chronically angry or irritable, there might be some rejection, abandonment, or other vulnerable feeling that you find unacceptable, so you mask it with what feels powerful: anger. And if you're jealous in your relationship, you're either suffering from personal insecurity or your internal guidance is issuing a warning about your partner or yourself.

On the other hand, if you're happy in your job (and you're not hurting anyone!), you're on the right track, no matter what anyone else thinks or says. The same goes for your marriage, your weight, your wardrobe, or anything else in your life. If you're genuinely content, it's working for you. The proof is in the pudding, so to speak.

Getting out of Emotional Quicksand

Today I had the opportunity to participate in an intimate audience session with a Grand Master of Zen Buddhism. My question was, "As a Westerner, I have a wide range of emotions, many of which cause me suffering. What can I do to manage this better?" The Master said, in essence, "We all feel joy and sorrow sometimes, but in Buddhism we don't dwell on the suffering. Instead, we note that all things (joy and pain) are temporary and we channel our concern toward helpful action, if that's what's called for."

Being the Master of compassion that she is, I think she could tell I was having "empath trouble," that is, getting sucked into my own and other people's whirlpool of human suffering. In her own calm and peaceful way, she seemed to understand this deeply.

I liked her response. I was glad she hadn't advised me to meditate more, or to disengage from the world's hardships, or simply notice my own reactions and move on. I was glad that she didn't remind me that suffering is often the result of karmic debts, or that everyone is responsible for themselves. That's all true, of course, and I know it intellectually, but it wasn't what I needed to hear in that moment.

What I needed was an alternative to taking on all that energy, and she reminded me that I could be more helpful by channeling my care through service. (Sometimes we empaths overfeel and underdo).

So when I got home and read a scary progress report on a friend's hospitalized child, I consciously directed my concern toward doing what I could do to help. Not only did I not sink into worry and fear, but I actually served the boy and his family.

Have you ever had this experience? You're down in the dumps or feeling stuck, and you do something productive or helpful, and the next thing you know, you're back on track? For empaths and other overfeelers, this can work like a charm.

One last note about quicksand of all kinds:  the more you struggle, the faster you sink. So when you're in it, it's always a good idea to calm down and assess your options.

Dialoguing with Your Subpersonalities (and Liking It!)

Over the last two weeks we've been looking at "parts," or subpersonalities that exist in our psyches and potentially have conflicting wishes for how we live our lives. Examples of common parts include Protector, Wounded Child, Critic, Pleaser, Perfectionist, and many more. This week, I wanted to outline the basics for working directly with these parts.

Let's start by differentiating between two basic types of parts:  those who are in alignment with us, and those who are not. Our aligned parts happily operate behind the scenes, and present no problem. They are content and successful at doing their job and aren't pushing on us to change or behave differently. They may be invisible to us, and that's fine.

In contrast, other parts might be stirred up and have a tendency to react and create conflict in our lives. This doesn't mean they're "bad" parts or that they need to be shut down. No. It just means that they're feeling the need to exert control or challenge what's going on.

For instance, your inner Protector, whose job it is to keep you out of harm's way, may pitch a fit when you enlist in the army or decide to hitch hike across Central America. This Protector is there for a reason, but you might also have a Hero or Adventurer part that has it's own reasons for pushing you in a different direction. This creates conflict and misalignment within.

What to do about it? There's a method called active imagination, that was first developed by Carl Jung in the early 1900's, whereby we inquire into the unconscious mind for information and resolution.(Note that the following exercise should only be done by psychologically healthy people. Also, it's always a good idea when meditating, doing energy work, or delving into the psyche, that you protect your "space" by visualizing white light around you, or saying a quick protection prayer).

In the case of using active imagination (sometimes called voice dialogue) with conflicting parts, we can simply sit down with our computer or a pen and paper, and ask to speak with the part in question. We may write, "I'd like to speak with the part of me that is afraid of commitment," or, "I want to talk to the part that is critical of my work performance," or, "I'd like to talk to my frustration." (If you have a name for the part, go ahead and use it, otherwise feel free to address it by it's apparent function, feeling tone, or belief.)

Next, just wait until you feel a response forming, and then write down whatever you see, hear, feel, or whatever pops into your head. I always get sentences, but some people receive other forms of expression, so just be open to whatever comes through. Let it flow and try not to judge or evaluate what you're receiving. This isn't magic, it's just your subconscious mind speaking to you, like what happens every night when you enter the dream state.

Have a dialogue with this part to find out what it's role is in your life, as well as what it thinks, feels, and believes about life and about what you're doing. If you're open and curious you'll soon discover that this part is there to help you in some important way. Granted, the manner in which it's trying to help you may be outdated or ineffective, but by dialoguing respectfully with the part, you can begin to negotiate new ways of working together that will create a win-win situation in your psyche.

Don't be surprised if this part has conditions, such as, "I'll help you lose weight, but only if you: 1) Get plenty of good nutrition and don't starve yourself. 2) Stop putting yourself down and making fat jokes. 3) Promise not to get self-righteous and judge others about what they're eating." You then have the choice of whether or not to accept these conditions.

This week, I invite you to try this out. It can be extremely illuminating, but be aware that it can also open up Pandora's Box, as other parts may want their voices to be heard. If you want to learn more, please check out the amazing work of Hal Stone, PhD and Sidra Stone, PhD. (I just ordered their book, Embracing Our Selves: The Voice Dialogue Manual). 

Have a great week!

Making Peace with the Different Voices in our Heads

Last week, I introduced the topic of "parts," or the various psychological players that make up our psyches. Even though our minds would like to think of themselves as a single entities or unified wholes, in reality we can be extremely conflicted internally due to opposing parts. A typical example is the yoyo dieter, someone who alternates between losing weight and gaining weight (because part of him/her values being thin while another part values something else more).

Perhaps the most important thing to realize about parts is that they were originally formed to help you in some important way. Parts are never our enemies, even if they appear to sabotage our goals or desires. If this is happening, it doesn't mean that we need to snuff out that part of ourselves (which is impossible and just makes the subpersonality have to fight harder), but that we need to get acquainted with the part to discover what it's concerns or goals are. If there are opposites alive in us, instead of aligning with one and rejecting the other, we need to hear each one out and find a middle ground where each is comfortable.

If you're reacting to this idea of accepting a "trouble-making" part of yourself, consider this:  it's there for a reason---possibly a very good one---and as long as you reject it, you trap yourself in a prison of your own making. Fighting, bickering, and sabotaging ourselves is a huge waste of energy, while being willing to coexist or even work together helps you harness your superpowers for good.

The (sometimes disturbing) truth is that we humans all have attractive and unattractive personality traits, and most of us identify with a few of them while forcing the others to go underground. Then, when we see someone else proudly displaying our "shadow material," we have to judge them harshly. It's sort of the law. Rejection of (or attraction to) others is a sure signs that what we see in them exists inside of us. If you have a love/hate relationship with your partner, this is probably (meaning definitely) why.

How do we make peace with ourselves and the people in our lives? We get chummy with our inner parts (especially the ones we've rejected), and back off a little from the ones we've overidentified with, like Mr. Nice Guy, or Caring Woman. (Note, however, that sometimes we overidentify with our faults while keeping our strengths in the shadows This is just the other side of the same coin.)

Please join me here next week when we get into the nuts and bolts of meeting and working with our parts.