Are You a Highly Sensitive Person?

Last week, I had the opportunity to meet Elaine Aron, Ph.D, author of the groundbreaking bestseller, The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You. This meeting came about because a mutual friend of ours asked me to be interviewed for a documentary on HSPs (highly sensitive people). Ironically, the situation was totally overwhelming to me!

But what does it mean to be a highly sensitive person? According to Aron's research, HSPs make up the 15-20 percent of the population who have especially sensitive nervous systems. This is a neutral trait, which means it's biological and that it's neither good nor bad. A few common characteristics of HSPs include the following:

• are aware of subtleties in their environment
• are effected by other people's moods
• need alone time/quiet time each day
• are easily overwhelmed by bright lights, strong smells, loud noises, coarse fabrics, etc.
• have a rich, complex inner life
• are easily startled 
• avoid violent movies or TV shows
• become overstimulated by too much activity around them
• have a strong reaction to physical hunger
• enjoy fine scents, tastes, sounds, or works of art
• become nervous when being observed performing a task
• were labeled shy or sensitive by teachers or parents 
• may find new or unfamiliar experiences uncomfortable

Being a highly sensitive person can truly be a gift---many of the most positively influential people in history have been HSPs, but this trait requires us to take especially good care of ourselves. Ideally HSPs can strike the proper balance between protecting themselves from overwhelm and fully engaging in life. If you'd like to learn more, please check out the highly regarded work of Dr. Elaine Aron.

What's Your Relationship with Power?

When I was a teenager, my uncle (a bold and confident school superintendent), asked me about my relationship with power. He said that most people had issues with personal power. I replied, "I don't have an issue with power----I don't have any power." I wasn't joking. I sincerely didn't think that perceiving oneself as powerless constituted an issue.

Many years later, after having multiple life experiences that left me feeling angry and taken advantage of, I realized that I had a problem with power. I'd been a nice girl who had grown into a nice woman, but I didn't know how to be assertive, say no without feeling guilty, or extricate myself from bad situations. I would stay in a ridiculous relationship or job until it came crashing down around me like a crumbling building. I didn't know how to walk away---all I knew to do was sabotage the situation until it went away.

When I think of personal power, three words come to mind:  passive, assertive, and aggressive. There are other ways to think of power, but these three styles of relating do a good job of summing things up.

1.   When we're passive, we wait for things to happen because we don't know how to pursue what we want in a direct way, or because we believe we will be punished if we do. Often passive people don't know what they want, and/or have grown up under the thumb of an aggressive parent or other authority figure who stifled their natural assertiveness. (Note that when passive people get tired of not getting their needs met, they may become manipulative or lash out by behaving passive-aggressively.)

2.   Aggressive means that we believe we can only get what we want by overpowering others. Aggressive people have control issues, and believe that if they don't control life, life will control them.

3.   Assertive means that we clearly state our wants or needs so that they are known, but we don't use our power to control others. Genuinely assertive people respect their own rights and those of others. (Note that many aggressive people see themselves as assertive, even when bullying and manipulating others).

So where do you fit in? Personally, I've run the gamut from timid and quiet as a church mouse, to fierce and ruthless as a tiger. I've perfected passive aggression (which makes me cringe to admit), and I'm no stranger to emotional strategy and manipulation. Yes, dear uncle, I've known power issues!

This week, please join me in working toward that "happy place" called assertiveness. If you don't know what you want or how you feel, find out. If you need something, ask for it in a direct and respectful way. If you're in a bad situation, know that you have the right to change it or leave it. And if you've been guilty of overpowering others, get in touch with what that's about, and work on changing your ways.

Good luck, and have a great week.

What is Life Asking of You Today?

Have you noticed that some days are effortless while other days seem to demand extreme acts of courage, faith, patience, or self-restraint? Sometimes everybody's getting along and it's a gorgeous day, while other times we're sick, injured, and it's thundering outside?

Of course, we’d love to have more easy days, and they can be very restorative, but our most gratifying moments of growth occur when we’re challenged---when life asks us what we’re made of and we muster up the energy to bring it.

When the going gets tough we don’t always have the inner resources available to bring forth the A+, and that’s okay. We need not pass every test with flying colors, but there’s a shortcut available that might help you when you’re feeling tripped up by the aggravations or heaviness of life.

When you’re feeling challenged by a person, situation, or pattern, simply ask yourself:  “What is life asking of me in this circumstance?” If you’re fighting with a family member, for instance, the answer might be “forgiveness,” “taking a stand,” or “learning to walk away.” If you’re depressed, life might be asking you to “get in touch with buried anger,” “seek outside help,” or “leave a bad situation.”

Sometimes we get so caught up in the nitty gritty details---or the drama---of a situation that we forget to step back, take a deep breath, and view it holistically. Usually there’s a pattern in place that explains why this person or  situation is upsetting us, and it’s usually (as in always) more about us than them.

For instance, if people are always dumping on you, it’s because you’re inviting this in some way, and life is trying to teach you to have better boundaries, learn self respect, and/or take more responsibility for your life. The dumpers are your teachers. Similarly, if you crave a life partner but never find one, you are most likely conflicted inside, and life is prompting you to face commitment issues or fears of getting hurt, rejected, or something else.

This week, I invite you to look at your relationships and circumstances, and ask yourself what, if anything, life is asking of you to change. Notice any ongoing patterns, and whether you’ve made progress in this area, or seen things worsen over the years. Take time to step back and view the situation for what it is, asking your inner guidance what it most wants you to learn. 

Good luck with this, and have a fantastic week.

Recognizing Toxic Patterns in Relationship

There are different kinds of relationships. Some are involuntary, meaning we are more-or-less stuck with certain people, and just have to make the most of our relationships with them. Examples include family members, neighbors, coworkers, fellow students, etc.

Other relationships are purely voluntary, as with friends and romantic partners. Because we hand pick these relationships, we hold great expectations for them. These connections can be the greatest blessings of our lives, or can go terribly wrong. What started out as mutually satisfying can morph into a draining or unloving situation. Sometimes it happens so gradually or insidiously, that we don't even recognize that our "good" friendship has gone bad.

Doreen Virtue's book, Assertiveness for Earth Angels, outlines ways in which nice, well-meaning people sometimes fall into relationship traps such as rescuing behavior, accepting blame, being disrespected or allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of or abused, and how they can recognize and learn to deal assertively with toxic dynamics and people.

The following is a list of relationship "red flags" from Doreen's book. (When we identify that something feels off, we can take steps to correct it, and ideally this is done through establishing personal boundaries and expressing ourselves assertively.)

1.    Interrupting
2.    Correcting
3.    One-Upmanship
4.    Clingy Neediness
5.    Stalking
6.    Guilt-Tripping
7.    Angerholism
8.    Unreliability
9.    Nosiness
10.  Grumpiness
11.  Accusatory Tendencies
12.  Victimhood/Martyrdom
13.  Controlling Behavior
14.  Perpetual Clowning
15.  Loudness
16.  Substance Abuse
17.  Lack of Boundaries
18.  Name-Calling
19.  Rudeness
20.  Betrayal
21.  Gossiping
22.  One-Sidedness
23.  Drama Queen or King
24.  Taking Advantage (of generosity)
25.  Barbed Tongue
26.  Nonstop Talking

Nobody's perfect, and you may see shades of yourself on the above list, but if one or more of the above dynamics is pervasive in your relationship, you may want to take action to change it. If you need help or guidance with this, there are many helpful books and online articles available to help you.

Good luck, and have a beautiful week.

Summertime Blues?

Summer is supposed to be super-carefree and fun, right? Woo-hoooo!!! The livin' is easy....yes?

For me, summer has always been a mixed bag. As a kid, I always looked forward to the warm weather, long days, fun in the sun, and no school. I always had high hopes that this was going to be the best summer EVER! The reality was usually that I had some fun, got some rest, but also got bored, missed my school friends, felt trapped at home with my siblings, and eventually experienced that existentially "lost" feeling. I wasn't really a woo-hoooo kind of girl, even though sometimes I wished I were.

A few days ago, as I was driving by the recently-closed high school in my neighborhood, I noticed how abandoned it looked. The hills surrounding it, which had been green and teeming with wild flowers a few weeks ago, were now brown and dry-looking. The sky was that hazy gray-blue, and it was hot. "Ugh," I thought, "is this feeling what people call the summertime blues?" (Or were they talking about a summer concert series? I didn't know). And this was only mid-June, for heaven's sake. We weren't even into the dog days of summer, which are defined as "the hot, sultry period of summer between early July and early September---a period of stagnation."

I decided to look online for information that would validate my ambivalence about summer. One article from Health.com was particularly interesting. Anne Krueger's 12 Signs You Suffer from Summer Depression, states, "From vacation envy and arm-flab anxiety to actual summer-onset Seasonal Affective Disorder, here's what may be dragging you down..."

The following is a sampling of the issues she discusses in the article:

1. Summer-onset SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) that is based on problems with circadian rhythms and resulting agitation. (Note: winter-onset SAD results in lethargy).
2. The "Expectation Gap." Building our hopes up about how awesome our summer's going to be.
3. That over-amped feeling. Loud kids, loud music, crowded amusement parks, parties, fireworks, etc.
4. Disturbed sleep patterns. Longer days, going to bed late.
5. Inadequate "me" time, especially for parents whose kids are home all the time. 
6. Annoyance for having to pick up the slack for others (who are on vacation or acting like they are).
7. "Facebook Envy." Everybody posts their most fabulous fun pics, thus appearing to be having a better summer than you.
8. "Body Image Blues." Increased body exposure can bring up insecurities, especially for women.
9. Financial stress. Vacations, camp, childcare, family reunions, etc., can all add up.
10. Aversion to outdoor activities or sun exposure. Not everyone enjoys swimming, snorkeling, camping, hiking, boating, softball, fishing, etc., and may feel like the the odd man out.
11. "Time flies" syndrome. Summer rituals and passages (last day of school, going on an annual trip, etc.) can be a sharp reminder that your kids (or you) are getting older and that life is changing.
12. Inclement summer weather. Rain, thunder storms, humidity, severe heat, or even cold weather, can keep you trapped indoors.

And a few more:  too much family togetherness, conflicts over where to vacation or how to spend time/money, absence of routine or structure, guilt about leaving kids home alone, jealousy about friends' or acquaintances' summer plans. etc.

The bottom line is that summer can be a wonderful, fun-filled time, but just as life has its ups and downs, so does summer. If you'd like to learn more, I suggest you read the full article, above, which offers helpful advice on how to deal with these issues. 

Take care and, um, have a good summer...

What is Commitment?

Last week I started thinking about an old college friend who suddenly disappeared from my life almost two decades ago. She had been my best friend for 10 years, and I assumed we'd be buddies forever. One day, though, she stopped answering my phone calls. Try as I might, I was never able to find out why, and it has haunted me ever since.

When I look back on it now, I realize that even though we were a match for several years, over time I grew and developed in ways that clearly made her uncomfortable. It didn't matter to me that she wasn't interested in psychology or spirituality, as was I. I adored her exactly as she was, and I was committed to our friendship.

Revisiting this relationship wasteland again recently captured my attention in a big way. I realized that I had to let this go, once and for all, so I could be more committed to the great people who are in my life right now. I realized that holding onto the story of this long-lost friendship was probably a way of protecting myself from being too vulnerable in subsequent relationships. Paradoxically, the experience made me a more compassionate friend in some ways, and a more disengaged friend in other ways.

Commitment is a funny thing, because it can be extremely positive and important in many cases, but isn't necessarily what's called for. Sometimes it means never leaving someone, and sometimes it means showing due respect to someone you've cared for. Sometimes it's explicit, like when we marry or take a sacred oath, and sometimes it's implicit, like when we bring children into the world. Sometimes it's just assumed. Probably as many people have been hurt by commitments as have been empowered by them. It's complicated, and so often open to personal interpretation.

This week, please join me in taking time to consider what role commitment has had in your life. Have you been a good friend or loyal partner? Have you been committed to yourself? Has a lack of appropriate commitment been an issue or pattern in your personal or professional life? Have you suffered by having to follow through on a commitment that you wish you hadn't made?

Please also take time to honor the loyal, committed people you've been blessed to have in your life. These may or may not be your favorite folks to be around, but they're the ones you can count on. They may be friends, family members, coworkers, health care providers, teachers, neighbors, or even your lawyer, mail carrier, or favorite grocery store clerk. Acknowledge yourself, too, for all the times you've honored your commitments or perhaps handled difficult relationship issues with sensitivity and integrity.

Take care, and have a beautiful week.

Overcoming Nervous Habits

If you're human, you probably have a nervous habit---a very normal coping mechanism that once distracted you or calmed you down when you were feeling bored or anxious. It worked so well that the next time you were uncomfortable, you did it again, and soon it became a habit. The following are a few examples. You'll notice that some of these habits are harmless (except that they betray your nervousness), while others can develop into more serious issues.

• finger tapping/toe tapping
• gum chewing
• hair twirling
• rattling keys in pocket
• rushed speech
• fidgety fingers
• pencil drumming
• touching face or hair
• cracking knuckles
• nail biting
• skin picking
• teeth grinding
• comfort eating
• smoking
• drinking

If you're reading this, chances are you or someone you care about has concerns about a nervous habit that has gotten out of control. What started out as a simple distraction or act of self-soothing has taken on a life of its own. Perhaps it has become a source of embarrassment, or is limiting your success. Maybe it has even developed into an addiction or obsessive/compulsive behavior.

What to do

Advice on the subject of nervous habits abounds, and I first started thinking seriously about my favorite annoying habit (which shall go unnamed), when a friend mentioned a technique by Tony Robbins, whereby we identify the habit, the trigger, and the reward gained by engaging in the behavior. I'm paraphrasing, but the point is to change the reward from something that we don't want to something we do want (like from nail biting to massaging a tense muscle). My friend reported that this shift in focus had really helped her begin changing her nervous habit.

There's no doubt in my mind that this would work nicely on newer habits or habits that weren't highly charged and/or dysfunctional. But, being the psychology snob that I am, I wondered if this would really work on deep, long-standing habits, or if, when things got tense, we'd revert back to our roots. (Like when my New Jersey-born husband gets excited watching a foot ball game and yells, "Catch the bawwwwl!!") 

So I spent a week experimenting with this method. I identified the habit I wanted to change, noticed what the triggers were (anxiety, frustration, annoyance, boredom, depression), and came up with a good, appropriate substitute reward. This was a fantastic exercise because it showed me clearly what was going on, from start to finish, and helped me trace the roots of the behavior.

Unfortunately, the nervous habit was so ingrained and automatic, that the new reward didn't stand a chance. It was as if I was asking myself to breathe water instead of breathing air. Oh dear...

Fortunately, however, the overall experiment was a success, because it made me realize the depth of my sensitivity, and how important it is for me to find better ways of nurturing myself and preventing emotional overwhelm. I went online and found a number a good resources for dealing with my specific annoying nervous habit (which shall remain unnamed).

This week, I encourage you to try the above exercise, and see what happens. You'll either begin to transform a nervous habit, or gain new insight into what it's all about. Please also check the internet for resources to help you with your specific issue.