Being True to Yourself: A Matter of Life and Death?

For years I've been fascinated by accounts of "the other side." NDE's (near death experiences), life-between-lives hypnotherapy sessions, channeled information from people's deceased loved ones---you name it, I've read it (or it's on my list). Nothing interests me more, except possibly my children, and anything with frosting!

I just read Dying to Be Me by Anita Moorjani, which is the true story of an Indian girl (Anita) who grew up in a multi-cultural (and multi-religious) setting that was so filled with mixed messages and Self-denial, that she desperately lost sight of who she was.

Later, in middle age, Moorjani was diagnosed with lymphoma. She fought a four-year battle, and when she could fight no more, ended up in a coma, 90 lbs., organs shut down, with lemon-sized tumors all over her body.

What happened during the coma was truly remarkable. Not only was she shown breathtaking beauty, love, and understanding of the workings of the universe, but a spontaneous physical healing occurred. Within a few days, her test results revealed that she was cancer-free. Moorjani writes:

Before my NDE, I used to suppress my upsetting emotions a lot, because I used to believe that they would attract negativity in my life. In additions, I didn't want to concern others, so I tried to control my thoughts and force myself to be positive. But I now understand that the key is to always honor who you truly are and allow yourself to be in your own truth.

Bottom line: putting yourself last, trying to be someone you're not, supressing your authentic feelings, manipulating your thoughts to stay "positive," behaving codependently, never feeling good enough, and/or not asserting your truth, really take their toll.

This week, I encourage you to assess how well you're taking care of yourself, expressing yourself, and generally being true to yourself. Make a commitment to improve at least one area of your self-care, knowing that this will benefit not only you and your body, but everyone who loves you.

Accepting vs. Allowing: What's the Difference?

You've probably heard a lot about the benefits of acceptance. (Resistance causes suffering, while acceptance brings peace, right?)

Well, this is often true, but sometimes radical acceptance is an uphill battle that we're not equipped to fight, especially when it involves a difficult situation or circumstance. Sometimes acceptance carries a heavy feeling with it, because it implies that we need to accept what we really don't want.

Recently I've been experimenting with the idea of allowing. To me, allowing is subtler and less rigorous than accepting. In allowing, we simply create a little space in our minds for things to be less polarized, less rigid. Instead of judging ourselves for making a mistake, we recognize that we're human and that mistakes are going to happen.

When it comes to matters of personal appearance, success, traffic, or the faults of ourselves or our spouse, we allow for what's reasonable or realistic. It doesn't mean that we get lazy and stop trying, or drop our standards to zero. Instead, we look at the big picture and find a healthy balance that reduces the harsh judgments and dashed expectations that so often lead to suffering.

What does allowing look like? Let's say you recently noticed lines on your face that didn't used to be there. This experience doesn't put you in your happy place. Resistance would dictate that you judge and reject these changes, and do whatever you can to make them go away, and/or create an inner battle about it. Acceptance would have you work through or transcend your emotional reactions in order to neutralize the situation in your mind. And Allowing, according to my definition, would be like softening the edges around the situation. You neither resist nor push for acceptance. Maybe you allow for your authentic feelings to surface, and then conclude, "Well, I am getting older---I can't turn back the clock. I'll buy some good moisturizer. I still look good."

When we allow, we embrace reality and our humanity. We don't deny our challenges or limitations, nor do we overreact to them. We just take a deep breath and allow life to be the imperfect thing that it is, and then we sleep a little better that night.

What in your life calls for allowing? Maybe your commute to work or your relationship with yourself or an important other? Perhaps your career, your exercise program, or your expectations for your teenager? When we allow some wiggle room where there once was a straight jacket, life gets a lot more comfortable and manageable.

The Problem with "Abundance Consciousness"

For years, probably centuries, there's been a commonly held belief that scarcity is bad and abundance is good. Granted, we all agree that lack or not enough can be a real problem. Not enough food to survive, not enough money to pay the rent, not enough sleep to function properly, not enough clean water to drink---these are serious issues.

But what about too much? Is that a problem? Ours is a culture that values more-more-more, but then we turn around and complain about our cluttered homes and our overweight bodies. Most of us have too much stuff, and eat in excess. Some of us drink too much, or shop too much, or think too much. Or watch too much TV. We're crazy-busy because we do too much. We pack our days to overflowing, and then we walk around wishing that life or the universe would bring us more "abundance."

Lynne Twist, author of The Soul of Money, takes a serious look at the poverty consciousness that makes us think that enough is never really enough. She advocates for sufficiency, or the idea that there actually is enough for everybody, and when we notice and are grateful for having enough, it unleashes a flood of (otherwise unavailable) energy that we could use to live better, more purposeful, socially responsible, and emotionally satisfying lives.

If scarcity means not enough and abundance means your cup runneth over, they are in effect opposite extremes. The overflowing cup sounds better to us, of course, but is this really in our (and the world's) best interest? The US probably throws away enough food everyday to feed a substantial portion of the impoverished world.

Somewhere between lack and overabundance lies that happy place of enough where our needs are met and we are grateful for what we have. We aren't striving to keep up with the Jones's, or calming our overdoing-related stress with too much food, alcohol, or material possessions/status symbols. We use that extra time and spaciousness to make the most of our lives and our important relationships. We make decisions based on what is best for us, our families and the world, and not on what others are doing or what they might think of us, or on our lack-consciousness.

This week, I invite you to examine your relationship with scarcity, sufficiency, and abundance. In what areas of your life is there truly not enough? In what areas is there too much? And where do you experience what Lynne Twist calls "the exquisite experience of sufficiency."?

Shame: We All Have It. What to Do About It

Over the last few weeks, we've been discussing some very sensitive issues: vulnerability, sacred wounds, perfectionism, and what underlies all of them, shame.

People tend to believe that shame is reserved for those unfortunate souls who suffered horribly dysfunctional childhoods, but the truth is that we all experience shame----many of us just don't cop to it. This denial, of course, is what causes shame to go underground and wreak havoc on our minds, emotions, and bodies.

Shame researcher and author Brene Brown, defines shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Some of us live from this place, constantly berating ourselves and trying to compensate for our inadequacy, while others are just occasional visitors. But, according to Brown, unless you are incapable of normal human emotions, you do experience shame. The question is: how do you manage it? How do you bolster yourself against it's effects?

Brown writes:

Shame resilience is the ability to recognize shame, to move through it constructively while maintaining worthiness and authenticity, and to ultimately develop more courage, compassion, and connection as a result of our experience....Shame needs three things to grow out of control in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment. When something shaming happens and we keep it locked up, it festers and grows. It consumes us. We need to share our experience....If we can find someone who has earned the right to hear our story, we need to tell it. Shame loses power when it is spoken.

So, shame thrives on secrecy, silence, and judgment, and is healed through honest and courageous sharing with others. But notice that Brene specifies that we share with people who have "earned the right to hear our story." What does that mean, and why is it important?

When we share our thoughts and feelings with the wrong people (or under the wrong circumstances), it can backfire and make us feel worse. Therefore, it's necessary to exercise discretion and healthy boundaries when sharing sensitive personal information with others, at least when we are most vulnerable. Someone who has earned the right to hear your (shame) story, is a person you trust to respond with love, compassion, and non-judgment. (Note that later, when you've become less sensitive to the reactions of others, you can be even more courageous about putting your truth out there.)

Other shame resilience recommendations from Brown include:

• Understanding shame (and guilt)
• Recognizing what messages and expectations trigger shame
• Heightening our awareness by reality-checking the messages we receive and expectations we and others place on us. (i.e: reminding ourselves that advertising images do not represent reality, and that nobody's perfect, no matter how they appear)
• Using/accepting the word "shame," and talking about feelings and needs
• Connecting with other authentic people 

For more information, please check out Brene Brown's books and audios, The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, I Thought It Was Just Me, Women & Shame, and others.

How to Overcome Perfectionism (and actually enjoy life)

Last week we discussed the pitfalls of perfectionism, and there are many! The bottom line: perfectionism is not an effective way of being the best you can be; instead, it is an attempt to transcend feelings of shame and unworthiness, and it doesn't work.

In her best-selling book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown writes:

To overcome perfectionism, we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities to universal experiences of shame, judgment, and blame; develop shame resilience; and practice self-compassion. When we become more loving and compassionate with ourselves and we begin to practice shame resilience, we can embrace our imperfections. It is in embracing our imperfections that we find our truest gifts: courage, compassion and connection.

Let's take a quick look at these three gifts.

• Courage: As humans, we are extremely vulnerable, and if we've experienced a steady diet of judgment or criticism, we're more susceptible to wanting to protect ourselves or hide our weaknesses. Courage, however, is when we put our true selves out there, knowing that we might fail or others might not approve (and knowing that we can deal with this). Ironically, when we choose courage and personal authenticity over approval, we (and others) find us more lovable. 
• Compassion: Cultivating compassion for self and others means that we understand we're all human and that we deserve kindness and the benefit of the doubt. This doesn't remove accountability, but instead replaces condemnation with respect and accountability. When we stop blaming ourselves, we stop needing to blame others.
• Connection: When we're busy trying to be superhuman (or fighting that "never good enough" feeling), we disconnect from our true selves and other people, and we make ourselves less authentic and available for real connection. The truth is that we're all in this together and we're all imperfect. When we show up as real people, without hiding our "flaws," we attract other real people, and we get to experience the connection that we came into these bodies to experience. Face it, comparing ourselves to others and coming up "better than" or "worse than" is no way to live!  

For me, personally, it's also been of critical importance to realize that advertising and television images are not real. What looks like perfect ease, perfect self-confidence, perfect relationships, and perfect beauty are not realistic expectations or goals, and we set ourselves and our loved ones up for suffering when we demand those ideals in our lives. Also important is learning to "zoom out." Perfectionists suffer/cause suffering because they zoom in on what's "wrong" and fail to see the big picture.

   

Please join me here next week as we continue the work of overcoming perfectionism by exploring what Brown calls "shame resilience."

Thanks, and have an authentic, courageous, and compassionate week.

Why Perfectionism is Not Your Friend

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about perfectionism. It started a few weeks ago when a friend of mine told me a story about her sister-in-law, who was a "perfect" person. According to my friend, the sister-in-law presented only images of having it all together. Her marriage was perfect, her children were perfect, her house was perfect, her clothes were perfect, even her recent vacation (whom others in attendance deemed "disastrous") was perfect. According to this lady, everything in her life was fabulous all the time. 

I'd never heard of anyone like this (or maybe I'd just never realized the extent to which some people go to appear bigger and better than life), and I wondered why someone would claim to have had a glorious vacation when her flight was cancelled, her luggage was lost for several days, she had become sick, and had reportedly melted down and screamed at the hotel staff. (Personally, I would have enjoyed sharing the drama story, more than pretending it never happened---but that's just me.)

This got me questioning how many "perfect" people I'd been fooled by over the years, people who appeared to possess confidence, conviction, and everything else that is enviable. I traced my newly discovered gullibility back to my first Barbie doll and the American advertising industry's airbrushed images of flawless beauty, spotless homes, and uninterrupted happiness. Wow, I wondered, how could I have spent half a century vaguely believing that what looks good is good? Aaack!

So I went out and found an excellent book, The Gifts of Imperfection, by research professor Brene Brown. This is what she wrote:

• Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.
• Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance.
• Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal.
• Perfectionism is addictive because when we do invariably experience shame, judgment, and blame, we often believe it's because we weren't perfect enough. So rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right.
• Perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it's often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, [eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorders], and life-paralysis....It's terrifying to risk when you're a perfectionist; your self worth is on the line.
• Feeling shamed, judged, and blamed (and the fear of these feelings) are realities of the human experience. Perfectionism actually increases the odds that we'll experience painful emotions and often leads to self-blame: It's my fault I'm feeling this way because "I'm not good enough."
• Perfectionism exists along a continuum. We all have some perfectionistic tendencies. For some, perfectionism may only emerge when they're feeling particularly vulnerable. For others, perfectionism can be compulsive, chronic, and debilitating, similar to addiction.

Please join me here next week as we focus on how to overcome perfectionism and make peace with our humanness. 

"Purposeful" as a Frame of Reference

Whether you believe that everyone has an inherent life purpose or that we create our own as we go, you'll probably agree that purposeful actions and intentions yield better results than those which are random and haphazard. 

When you live your life according to what is purposeful for you (what matters, and what will lead to desired results), you gain a refreshing clarity and focus. When you have information about and understand your intrinsic values and purpose, you're able to weigh every choice against that. Every day, you can wake up and quickly determine what is most purposeful for you to do, say, or experience. (This takes into account not just your life purpose work, but your overall values as an individual, partner, parent, citizen, etc.)

One day, it might feel purposeful to clean out the garage, or visit an aging relative, or make sales calls, or skip work and go to the beach. It’s not a simple matter of “shoulds” or ”wants,” but a matter of what aligns best with your overall values and desired outcomes. 

Seeing your day, week, year, or life this way is a game changer. It eliminates scatteredness and cuts down on inessential or meaningless tasks/energy drains. It takes some of the drudgery out of activities that you’d otherwise rather not do. If it’s purposeful for you to cut down on sugar or organize your office, there’s more motivation and meaningfulness in your efforts than if you approached it from the perspective of “I should...” or “I have to...” It feels more grown up.

This week, I invite you to use purposefulness as a frame of reference to help you make meaningful, value-based choices of how to spend your time, energy, money, and other resources, as well as to weed out less purposeful endeavors. 

For instance, each morning focus/prioritize your day to include as many purposeful choices as possible (tasks, activities, purchases, relationships, etc.) Maybe hire a house cleaner or get family members to pitch in more if your cleaning time would be better spent doing more essential or purposeful tasks. If you're looking for a job, apply only for those that feel in alignment with your values and goals. Whatever the choice is to be made, ask yourself, “Is this purposeful for me?"