"This Cup is Already Broken" (and Other Words of Wisdom)

© Tammy Mcallister | Dreamstime Stock Photos

Author Geneen Roth wrote of being on an extended meditation retreat. At one point, the guru held up his favorite tea cup and stated, "As far as I'm concerned, this cup is already broken." He went on to explain that nothing is permanent (the cup will inevitably break, fade in color, get lost or stolen), so we must appreciate it in this moment without attaching ourselves to it. Attachment, he explained, is the root of suffering.

I've heard a lot over the years about non-attachment and being present in the moment, but the analogy of one's favorite tea cup being "already broken" really spoke to me. I thought of  how we cling to youth, beauty, our parents, our children, our status, and how none of it will last, no matter how fiercely we protect it. We will get old, our parents and pets will die, our children will grow up and leave us. No matter what we do, things will change. And what if that was okay?

Seeing all change as ultimately okay and inevitable (like the tea cup being broken) is oddly comforting. There's nothing to resist, deny, or panic about when you accept life on life's terms. When we accept that change, decline, and brokenness are not optional, we experience freedom. We can feel appreciation and gratitude for having what we have right now. We also realize that with every ending is a new beginning (there are many amazing tea cups out there, when the time comes to buy a new one!)

This week, I ask you to consider what favorite tea cup you need to see as already broken. What do you worry about or cling to?

If your child is beginning kindergarten, middle school, or high school, and you're grieving the loss of your baby, take a moment to imagine that he/she is already grown up and gone. Feel the sadness or whatever it brings up for you, and then come back to this moment and enjoy what you have right now. 

If you are in your forties or fifties and worry about aging, imagine that you are in your eighties and have lost your good looks or health. Then return to this moment, and appreciate the body and life you have today.

Thanks for visiting, and I hope to see you again very soon.

Don't Just Do Something---Sit There!

                                                       © Alexey Lisovoy | Dreamstime Stock Photos

I just read an excerpt by the American Buddhist teacher, Pema Chodron about the futility of seeking pleasure by running from discomfort. In The Wisdom of No Escape, Pema writes:

We continually try to get away from pain by seeking pleasure, and in doing so, we just keep going around and around. I’m so hot I open all the windows, and then I’m so cold I put on a sweater. Then it itches, so I put cream on my arms, and then that’s sticky, so I go take a bath, and on and on.

This reminded me of waking up the other morning with an itch on my face. Normally I would just scratch my cheek and be done with it, but something told me to see what would happen if I resisted the temptation to make the itch go away, so I did nothing. Interestingly, the itchiness passed. Great.

But then it came back. I still didn't scratch. This on-again off-again pattern continued until I started wondering why I was allowing this (very mild) form of suffering to continue when I could make it go away in two seconds. Still I resisted taking action. I was curious.

Next came pictures of being stuck in a playpen as a child, unable to exercise my Godgiven freedom. Interesting. I didn't remember being in a playpen as a child, but come to think of it, my mother did encourage me to buy one when my own children were born. Hmmm...

Then I had an "aha" moment. I remembered a form of Indian meditation called Vipassana where you just observe and don't make any adjustments for comfort. Something scary surfaces: allow it. You're cold or get a leg cramp: just notice it. I tried this form of meditation once many years ago and learned more about myself in five minutes than I usually learn in a year.

For us Westerners, choosing to not run away from discomfort when we could is virtually unheard of, but Eastern thought has a lot to teach us about slowing down, finding some inner discipline and strength, and not creating newer and bigger problems through escapism.

This week, I invite you to notice what happens when you start feeling uncomfortable. Do you seek instant relief? If so, is the form of relief healthy and appropriate, such as resting when you're tired? Or is it escapism, such as eating a king-sized candy bar or drinking alcohol when you're stressed out?

Bottom line: it's important to take good care of our bodies, and honor ourselves as valuable human beings, but there's a fine line between self-care and premature rescuing of ourselves. A little discomfort is inevitable, to be expected, and actually helpful in making us better, stronger, and more compassionate people.

Numbing or Distracting Yourself from Life? Why It May Not Be Necessary Anymore

Lately I've been noticing the many ways we, adults, run away from normal feelings and everyday experiences, instead of facing them and moving on.

Those of us who aren't practiced in the art of mindfulness or presence, often (unconsciously) believe that we can't handle the ups and downs of life, such as experiencing disappointment, loss, rejection, insults, etc., so we do any number of things to numb or distract ourselves from what's in front (or inside) of us. Some of these behaviors include drinking, eating, smoking, spending money, pursuing romance or sex, nail biting, skin picking, working, and being glued to one's phone, computer, or television.

The funny thing is that a lot more time and energy are spent avoiding ourselves, our authentic feelings, and life, than it would take to look at what's coming up and deal with it. So why do we do it?

As infants, we had zero protection from incoming energies. All we could do for ourselves was close our eyes or turn our heads away if someone got in our face or something felt threatening or overwhelming. As a result we developed defense mechanisms to cope with these intolerable intrusions. They were important to our emotional survival when we were young and helpless.

But then we grew up and acquired some skills and smarts for dealing with life. And that was great, except that the inner-defenseless-baby-protector (in many of us) never got the memo. It continued to behave as if every stressor or difficult emotion had the power to destroy us. The numbing out, distracting, or running away mechanisms (fight, flight, freeze) continued to react to everyday challenges as if we were incapable of dealing with them maturely.

Do you know a strong, competent person who refuses to deal with his/her emotions? Or maybe a friend (not you!) who eats or drinks at night to zone out? Or maybe someone who is always too busy or problem-stricken to relax their weary body or mind? Addictions or obsessive/compulsive behavior, of course, are extreme forms of running away from oneself or life.

So, what about you? Are you peaceful and balanced, or do you have a tendency to run away, zone out, or try to control or rise above your feelings in any aspect of your life? If you're an escape artist, you might still be operating under the outdated assumption that you're not "big" enough to stay present and deal with what's going on in your life.

This week, I invite you to view yourself as strong enough to deal with whatever feelings or situations come your way, and to see what happens when you stay present in those moments when you would normally distract or numb yourself. If you feel overwhelmed by what comes up, by all means reach out for help, but know that in the long run you are better off facing whatever's there than running away.

Good luck, and have a great week.

"The Eating Guidelines:" A Spiritual and Physical Practice

If you struggle with food (regardless of your weight), I have a wonderful resource for you. Geneen Roth is the guru of food and weight issues. She leads powerful workshops and is the author of nine books, my favorite of which is Woman, Food, and God, a #1 New York Times bestseller.

Even though her work focuses on the deep emotional aspects of problem eating (such as using food to numb, distract, or punish ourselves, or to rebel), I'd like to skip ahead to the prescription for making peace with food. Geneen writes:

In the food and weight arena, the Eating Guidelines are both the spiritual and physical practice. They provide a precise path to the world of being in the moment as well as well as a concrete path to feeling well. They are descriptions of what eating would look like if you had no problem with it at all. You'd listen to your body. You'd eat to nourish yourself. You'd love yourself with food. The Guidelines are exactly what you will come around to when you are tired of aching joints. Of lugging yourself around. The Guidelines are nothing more than understanding that your body is yours and you can eat as a way to be yourself. After all these years, all these diets, all these pounds gained and lost and lost and gained, after eating to resist and rebel and fight, you realize that eating can finally be---and always was---for you, only you.

Geneen Roth's Eating Guidelines

1. Eat when you are hungry.
2. Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include the car. 
3. Eat without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspapers, books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations or music.
4. Eat what your body wants.
5. Eat until you are satisfied [physically].
6. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.
7. Eat with enjoyment, gusto, and pleasure.

If you are intrigued (or at least tired of the fight), I would highly recommend that you check out Geneen's work. Why Weight? is an excellent workbook designed to get you in touch with your eating and food issues. Women, Food, and God then takes the conversation to a whole new level. 

Thanks for checking in, and have a beautiful week.

Inside Out: A Powerful Message

If you haven't seen the film, Inside Out, you might be wondering what all the fuss is about. And if you have seen it, you might be wondering if you agree with it's message. Let's take a quick look at this.

Inside Out is a story about how our psyches are made up of various parts, emotions, beliefs, and structures, and what happens when difficulties (inevitably) arise.

It begins with a little girl who has had a beautiful childhood. Her parents have bent over backward to make her their "happy girl." Because these first few years were successful, Joy is the dominant leader of her inner world. We also see the figures of Fear, Anger, Disgust, and Sadness, but Joy clearly runs the show. Lucky child, huh? (Not everyone has this experience).

When the little girl's family moves to a new city, however, (emotional) disaster strikes, and chaos blows a storm through her psyche. Joy and Sadness accidentally get ejected from "Headquarters," and everything gets crazy. Our "happy girl" loses not only her happiness, but her ability to feel anything but despair. She becomes lost and disenfranchised, and one by one the major areas of her life (family love, trust, playfulness, etc.) go black, and come crashing down. It is devastating.

Throughout all of this, of course, the audience is rooting for (and very much expecting) Joy to save the day. After all, who else could turn things around? We have to rise above, right?

But in the end, it is Sadness who emerges as the hero. Why? Because she was able to help the little girl feel what needed to be felt in order to reconnect with life, and move forward. Joy, alone, just couldn't deliver.

This week, I invite you to feel all of your feelings: joy, sadness, fear, anger, disgust, and anything else that shows up. You don't have to police your mind for "bad guys," because there are no bad guys there. By allowing what's authentic in the moment to emerge, it is able to pass on through. Only when we celebrate some emotions and reject others, (or over-attach to certain emotions) do we get stuck and run into trouble.

Thanks for stopping by, and please join me here again soon.

Being True to Yourself: A Matter of Life and Death?

For years I've been fascinated by accounts of "the other side." NDE's (near death experiences), life-between-lives hypnotherapy sessions, channeled information from people's deceased loved ones---you name it, I've read it (or it's on my list). Nothing interests me more, except possibly my children, and anything with frosting!

I just read Dying to Be Me by Anita Moorjani, which is the true story of an Indian girl (Anita) who grew up in a multi-cultural (and multi-religious) setting that was so filled with mixed messages and Self-denial, that she desperately lost sight of who she was.

Later, in middle age, Moorjani was diagnosed with lymphoma. She fought a four-year battle, and when she could fight no more, ended up in a coma, 90 lbs., organs shut down, with lemon-sized tumors all over her body.

What happened during the coma was truly remarkable. Not only was she shown breathtaking beauty, love, and understanding of the workings of the universe, but a spontaneous physical healing occurred. Within a few days, her test results revealed that she was cancer-free. Moorjani writes:

Before my NDE, I used to suppress my upsetting emotions a lot, because I used to believe that they would attract negativity in my life. In additions, I didn't want to concern others, so I tried to control my thoughts and force myself to be positive. But I now understand that the key is to always honor who you truly are and allow yourself to be in your own truth.

Bottom line: putting yourself last, trying to be someone you're not, supressing your authentic feelings, manipulating your thoughts to stay "positive," behaving codependently, never feeling good enough, and/or not asserting your truth, really take their toll.

This week, I encourage you to assess how well you're taking care of yourself, expressing yourself, and generally being true to yourself. Make a commitment to improve at least one area of your self-care, knowing that this will benefit not only you and your body, but everyone who loves you.

Accepting vs. Allowing: What's the Difference?

You've probably heard a lot about the benefits of acceptance. (Resistance causes suffering, while acceptance brings peace, right?)

Well, this is often true, but sometimes radical acceptance is an uphill battle that we're not equipped to fight, especially when it involves a difficult situation or circumstance. Sometimes acceptance carries a heavy feeling with it, because it implies that we need to accept what we really don't want.

Recently I've been experimenting with the idea of allowing. To me, allowing is subtler and less rigorous than accepting. In allowing, we simply create a little space in our minds for things to be less polarized, less rigid. Instead of judging ourselves for making a mistake, we recognize that we're human and that mistakes are going to happen.

When it comes to matters of personal appearance, success, traffic, or the faults of ourselves or our spouse, we allow for what's reasonable or realistic. It doesn't mean that we get lazy and stop trying, or drop our standards to zero. Instead, we look at the big picture and find a healthy balance that reduces the harsh judgments and dashed expectations that so often lead to suffering.

What does allowing look like? Let's say you recently noticed lines on your face that didn't used to be there. This experience doesn't put you in your happy place. Resistance would dictate that you judge and reject these changes, and do whatever you can to make them go away, and/or create an inner battle about it. Acceptance would have you work through or transcend your emotional reactions in order to neutralize the situation in your mind. And Allowing, according to my definition, would be like softening the edges around the situation. You neither resist nor push for acceptance. Maybe you allow for your authentic feelings to surface, and then conclude, "Well, I am getting older---I can't turn back the clock. I'll buy some good moisturizer. I still look good."

When we allow, we embrace reality and our humanity. We don't deny our challenges or limitations, nor do we overreact to them. We just take a deep breath and allow life to be the imperfect thing that it is, and then we sleep a little better that night.

What in your life calls for allowing? Maybe your commute to work or your relationship with yourself or an important other? Perhaps your career, your exercise program, or your expectations for your teenager? When we allow some wiggle room where there once was a straight jacket, life gets a lot more comfortable and manageable.