Envy: The Green-Eyed Monster

A couple weeks ago, the green-eyed monster appeared at my door. I didn't recognize him at first because it had been years since I'd seen him. He pushed past me and invited himself in for tea. Then he shared with me his thoughts on what I lack---things that other people have that I should surely have too.

I was intrigued, and against my better judgment, I offered him more tea....and some cake. I told him (in a whiny voice) that I do want these things, but that they always seemed to elude me. Envy took my hand and looked very sorry for me, indeed. He said, "There, there, dear---don't worry. You can have what those people have. You can have whatever it is your heart desires. You just have to want it enough.

When he'd had his fill of tea and treats, Envy bid me goodbye for the day and left me alone to contemplate the things that other people have that I don't. I decided that if they could have it, so could I. Surely I could want it enough to make it so.

But wanting it is addictive. Wanting it possesses us. Wanting what we don't have is the stuff that the green-eyed monster lives on (that, along with tea and good company!)

And then finally, after moping around for several day, the inevitable thought occurred to me, "What you already have is pretty great. Why don't you try focusing on that and just see what happens?" So I did. And with nothing left to sustain him (and in a poof of green smoke), Envy was gone.

Envy vs. Jealousy

Although the words "envy" and "jealousy" are often used interchangeably, their meanings do differ in one important way. Envy is when we desire something that we don't have, while jealousy is the fear of losing something that we value. The common thread is our need or desire to "possess."

So, what is your relationship with the green-eyed monster?

Your "Happy Place," Why and How to Go There

Do you ever experience annoying mind chatter, negative self-talk, or intrusive/petty criticism of yourself and others? Yep, me too. Some days are relatively peaceful, but other days feel like a presidential debate in my head (and nobody enjoys that kind of dog fight).

What to do about it? Well, turning things around might be easier than you think. And what I'm going to recommend is based on the relationship between your head and your heart.

You see, we tend to think of the heart as being mushy and sentimental (weak), and the brain as being capable of neutrality and reason (strong). We think we can talk ourselves and others out of our feelings and moods by applying any number of manipulative techniques, such as minimizing, theorizing, justifying, denying, correcting, consoling, cheering up, bargaining, etc. The problem is that if those tactics worked (beyond the band-aid effect) we wouldn't continue to be so stressed out and judgmental. And. We. Are.

It turns out that the heart (physical organ + major energy center) is the rhythm-setting powerhouse of the entire body and mind. In their book, Transforming Stress: The HeartMath Solution for Relieving Worry, Fatigue and Tension,  Childre and Rozman write: "The heart's electromagnetic field has forty to sixty times more amplitude than that of the brain, while the heart's magnetic field is approximately five thousand times stronger than the field produced by the brain."

And I recently heard  a similar statistic, that sixty times more information is sent from the heart to the brain than from the brain to the heart. So you can begin to see why it's a waste of time to rely on your head to influence your feelings. The real power lies in using your heart to influence your head (which then leads to improved moods and reduced stress).

Going to your "Happy Place" 

Here comes the easy part (maybe not the first time, but it gets easier each time you do it). When you're angry, depressed, judgmental---stop for a second and close your eyes. Put your left (or non-dominant) hand on your heart area, and breathe slowly and deeply, as if actually breathing in through the heart, and out through the heart.

If might help to slowly count from one to five with each inhale, and one to five with each exhale, or say to yourself, "breathe in through the heart....breathe out through the heart...." The key is to focus your attention on your heart, breathe deeply, and disregard input from the brain. You're consciously directing attention away from your head and into your chest.

If you're a chronic over-thinker (or control freak!), this could be difficult or even feel threatening the first time you try it, but ultimately you have to ask yourself whether or not you're willing to feel better and/or stop the inner battle.

For me, this exercise works great, because experience has taught me that the heart is a safe zone, a feel-good place. If you tap into something sad, it's not coming from your heart: it's coming from somewhere else in your body (the body stores all sorts of unhealed and repressed stuff), but the heart---which is the seat of the Higher Self---remains a beacon of light to the weary traveler.

Please let me know how this works for you or if you have any questions. You can leave a comment below or contact me at jvshinn@wakeupsweetheart.com. You may also be interested in learning more about the Institute of HeartMath. They have great books and trainings, and the following article does a good job of summing up their approach: pbs.org/heartmath.

Are You Living Your Purpose?

Over the weekend I attended a great communication workshop, and our first task as participants was to introduce ourselves by answering the following questions:
1.  What is your name?
2.  What is your passion?
3.  What is your main strength?

I thought this was a brilliant exercise because it forced people to do a quick self-evaluation---sort of a "first-thing-that-pops-into-your-head" kind of assessment of who they are. And while my responses to the first two items were predictable (especially the name part), what I blurted out as my main strength surprised me a bit. I thought to myself, "That's probably not right---I'll have to think about that..." But interestingly, as the day progressed, I came to realize that my first impression was right-on, and that these three questions seemed to be the key to understanding one's life purpose(s).

Let's take a closer look.

Your Name:  Even if you have a common name, when you introduce yourself, you are expressing an individual, one-of-a-kind energy signature. Who you are and exactly what you came here to do cannot be duplicated by anyone else in the universe. You and your life purpose are unique.

Your Passion:  What do you love to do? What were your interests as a child? What is your dream? How would you spend your time if you didn't have to worry about earning a living, taking care of others, or living up to someone else's expectations of you? One's life purpose must contain some element of passion, even if it feels conflicted, like, "I paint because I must." If you're not passionate about what you're doing, then it's probably not your highest purpose for being on this planet.
(Note: if you are most passionate about drugs, alcohol, porn, or another compulsive behavior, this is most certainly masking your true passion from expressing itself).

Your main Strength:  We all have multiple strengths. You may be creative, kind, talented, intelligent, and playful, but if you had to pick one of these, which would it be? If you polled your friends and family members, what would they say? This is key to understanding your life purpose, because fulfilling it requires great competence in at least one area of your life. (And this exceptional trait may be unacknowledged by you, such as possessing the ability to put people at ease or lift their spirits just by being in your presence). So, if you flunked 6th grade math, your life purpose probably doesn't entail becoming an astrophysicist, even if your father and grandfather are astrophysicists who hope you will follow in their footsteps!

When you recognize yourself as a unique being with specialized desires and abilities, it only makes sense that your life purpose would follow. However, so often we take for granted what we love and are good at because we think that being successful demands that we master something difficult---something that we see others doing, and admire. Maybe we think, "What I do is so easy, anyone could do it," or, "That's what I do for fun; a career involves hard work." And all too often we let parents, teachers, or other outside forces dictate what direction we take in life, and then spend years daydreaming of what we'd really like to be doing.

And so I ask you, 
What's your name?
What's your passion?
What's your main strength?

The Three Most Important Things

This morning I woke up feeling great---that is until I started going through my mental "to-do" list. Like most people between the ages of 10 and 80, I felt inundated by the litany of tasks I felt responsible for carrying out. Then, I heard a little voice in my head that said, "How much of this really matters? At the end of your life, what will have mattered?" Wow, man....heavvvy.

But this thought was not a startling revelation or brilliantly insightful. We all ask ourselves these questions periodically---it's an existential exercise, and a valuable one at that. But this morning as I considered my answers, I found myself wanting to dig deeper than usual, and the internal conversation went something like this:

Q:   At the end of my life, will it matter that I had a cluttered house?
A:   Well, it wouldn't matter that I had a cluttered house if it didn't bother me everyday and cause me to me feel disorganized and lazy. But it does bother me, so that means it really does matter.

Q:   In the final analysis, will it matter that I had a tendency to procrastinate and was not always as productive as I could have been?
A:   No, not really. As long as I got the most important things done, I could accept not being as productive as I could have been. I don't need to be perfect.

Q:   When all is said and done, would it matter whether or not I exercised my body today?
A:   It might not matter whether or not I exercised my body today, but making health a priority in my life would matter a great deal in the long run, so what I decide to do today matters.

What I learned from this inquiry was that when we project forward in time and consider the long-term effects of our habits, we can gain tremendous clarity and focus. For instance, my answers to the first two questions actually surprised me. Stepping back and seeing a bigger picture gave me a perspective that would help me focus on how to spend my efforts, and what areas I could back off on..

So, let's look at your "to-do" list and prioritize it based on the above criteria. When you consider the long-term ripple effects, which of your tasks become important, and which can you move off the "nag" page temporarily or altogether? For the sake of focus and simplicity, which are the three most important things for you to do today?

 If we take a couple minutes every day to check in with ourselves and get our priorities straight, I think we'll find that life becomes less stressful and much more manageable. It's not how much we get done that matters, but how much value we get out of what we've done.

"Latch onto the Affirmative..." Why Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sisters had it Right

Believe me, I'm as tired of hearing about "the power of positive thinking" as you are. Seriously. But I recently heard a meaningful quote that went something like this: "Most people undervalue what they have, and overvalue what they don't." And I thought about how I tend to take my accomplishments for granted (as if anyone could have done them), and then covet certain accomplishments of others. Do you ever do that? It's a bummer, if you think about it, but definitely something that can be remedied.

Every once in a while when I'm bugged at myself or someone else, I'll sit down with my journal and write out (sometimes in excruciating detail) every positive thing I can think of regarding that person. When absolutely necessary, I'll include statements like, "not a heroine addict," and "never been to federal prison,"--- whatever makes me feel better and lightens the mood! I think you'll find that this quickly helps to shift your perspective.

Another trick is to consciously focus on the good feedback you get (or other feel-good stuff that happens in your life). I've noticed that so many people will brush off compliments or kindness as if they don't mean anything, while taking criticism very seriously.

The other night, I happened  to overhear a comment made about me that was extremely welcomed and validating. This meant a lot to me because it was obviously sincere and not said just for my benefit. This morning I remembered the comment and felt great all over again. I really took it in and resolved to do that for myself on a regular basis. (Maybe jot these experiences down in a notebook and refer to them when you need a lift?)

If you keep a "to do" list, occasionally do yourself the favor of making a "have done" list. Gratitude for who you (and others) are, as well as all the progress you've made, can really improve your outlook.

How to Get out of a Funk

Everyone gets in the occasional funk. Maybe you wake up feeling ungrounded, or dreading your day, or irritated for no reason in particular. Maybe you can't relate to the people you normally love to hang out with. Maybe you're vaguely (or more than vaguely) worried about some obscure thing that might happen, but probably won't. Or maybe you're uncharacteristically grumpy or depressed or ill-behaved. You, dear friend, are in a funk.

Of course you know by now that this is normal and okay, and it doesn't have to ruin your day (although some days it will, and that's okay, too). Sometimes we're in an emotional or psychological process like grief or going through a major life change. Sometimes we're in a physical process like having the flu or PMS. We'd love to be able to be happy and steady all the time, but we humans are complicated creatures, and we're bound to experience occasional ups and downs.

But let's say you're in a light, non-complex funk, like I was in when I woke up this morning. I was basically fine and in tact physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, but I felt mildly discouraged, a little let down from returning to the salt mines after a fun three-day weekend, a little burdened and blah. What then?

You probably already know this, but being in a funk is like being stuck in a ditch. You can assess your situation all you like, think and feel about it all day long, but nothing is really going to change until you decide to climb out of the ditch. Sometimes it's a shallow ditch and all you have to do is take a couple steps, while other times the ditch is deep or slippery and requires more concerted effort to get out of.

What I've found is that most funks, big and small, can be undone by gathering up whatever energy is available in the moment, and doing something different than what the funk would have us do.

For instance, If I'm depressed, the tendency is to withdraw from life and feel sorry for myself, thus perpetuating the depression. When I'm feeling unproductive, the tendency is to sit around and contemplate all the things I should be doing, thus perpetuating the lack of productivity. And when I'm feeling  irritated, the tendency is to look out at the world with critical eyes and notice life's challenges and other people's "jerky" behavior, thus perpetuating my irritation. See how that works? The funk takes over and leaves us feeling powerless.

What to do? It's not as hard as you think, but it requires you to actively reject what the funk is telling you, and do something different---sometimes the opposite, and sometimes doing anything else will do. Going back to my earlier "discouraged/bored/blah" funk, I decided to read a book for a few minutes (even though I didn't really have time to read). Within five minutes, I was ready to move on with my day, funk-free. That's all it took.

Breaking the funky energy current is usually all it takes to redirect us, unless the funk has complicating factors built in, like it's habitual, or we're using it to punish ourselves for some perceived crime we've committed, or we're chemically imbalanced, or there's some secondary purpose it serves.

So if we're mildly depressed, irritated, or feeling another 'funky' emotion, and we want to shift it, we need to either go deeper into it, (as in journaling about it or talking to a wise friend), or reject it and do something different, (like going for a walk, listening to music, or doing the dishes). It doesn't have to be fun---it just has to break the cycle.

Please share what works for you. I'd love to hear from you. (You can leave a comment below of email me at jvshinn@wakeupsweetheart.com). Have a great week.

Getting in the Driver's Seat of Your Life

Last week we defined "owning one's space" as having healthy boundaries with others and the outside world, as well as internally managing our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Obviously this is not easy, especially if we have a history of dysfunctional family patterns, addictions, etc. But nobody's perfect, and it's okay to approach progress one step at a time. The important thing is to be willing to take an honest look at your life and to assume responsibility for any changes that need to be made.

In taking this personal inventory, let's start with the potential elephant in the room and work our way down to the old shag carpet. First things first, right?

Are you living in a dangerous or destructive situation? 

• violence or other threats, unsafe neighborhood, etc. 
• emotional or verbal abuse 
• substance abuse or other obsessive, compulsive, or self-destructive behavior 
• unmanaged mental or physical illness, injury, or obesity 
• inability to take care of yourself and/or those who depend on you
• serious financial problems

If you are experiencing (or perpetrating) any of the above, extreme action is called for. Denial or delay will only make matters worse, and you and /or your family need help now. If you don't know how to get help, look or ask around for resources or call an emergency hotline for referrals. Don't wait for disaster to strike.

Are you functioning in the world but experiencing any of the following?

• low self-esteem, fear, anger, mild depression, unforgiveness, or other emotional issues
• "bad" habits that prevent you from moving forward in your life
• lack of confidence or assertiveness that keeps you playing small
• unhealthy or "negative" belief systems that limit your good (may be cultural or religious in origin)
• attachment to the past or worry about the future
• any of a million other possible issues that prevent you from taking charge of your life

If you suffer from any of the above, welcome to the club! Identifying where your issues lie can help you direct your efforts for positive change. If you're stuck in a problem area, I suggest that you stop doing what you've always done (soliciting others' advice, starting a new diet, making a resolution that you won't keep, etc.) and instead work on developing your inner guidance which is ultimately the key to resolving all issues and taking ownership of your life. If appropriate, your inner guidance will direct you to external resources that are best suited to help you. 

There are a lot of great books, articles and classes available to help you learn to tap into your inner guidance (including many past posts from this blog, and my book, Remembering Who you Are...) If you need further recommendations, please feel free to email me at jvshinn@wakeupsweetheart.com, or leave a comment below. 

This is your year, and this is your life. Isn't it time to go for it?