Is Overwhelm the New Normal?

Over spring break I had the opportunity to spend two weeks with my family in Florida, relaxing and being away from our usual commitments, emails, and "stuff." All we had to manage were a couple of suitcases, a rental car, and our fried food intake. Our only responsibility was to make sure our kids didn't get irreparably sunburned or eat too much key lime pie. Life was good, and upon returning I felt rested and refreshed.

When I arrived home, however, I noticed that weeds had taken over the front and back yards. Right away, my husband noticed the two hefty bags of clothes my generous and fashionable sister had given me (I never tire of hand-me-downs!) I'd left them sitting in the hallway for four weeks, on top of the clothes hamper, which meant my kids didn't have any place to put their dirty laundry. (I could go on, but you get the picture).

Being acutely observant, I noticed the difference between my normal life and being on vacation, and I felt overwhelmed. I thought of my organized Virgo friends, which only made me feel worse, because for all my fine qualities, house keeping, record keeping, and general maintenance had never been my strong suits.

So I spent some time pondering the overwhelm, and realized a few important things:

1. The new "normal" is for most of us to feel a little overwhelmed by life. We live in an amped-up, down-sized, multitasking, social networking, age of too much information, distraction, stimulation, and activities. (Add to that school-aged children and aging parents, and there's no way around all the action and responsibilities). We need to learn new ways of coping.

2.  Our human nervous systems are not wired for this much input, so we spend way too much time in "fight or flight" mode (which used to be reserved for crisis situations). So, the more sensitive and/or high-strung we are, the more we have to consciously build into our days restorative time (for exercise, meditation, extra sleep, etc.).

3.  It is of critical importance that we prioritize tasks, and not see them all as equal (or even necessary). This is where making a list can really help. Writing down everything that you believe needs to be done and then determining what is most important for today or this week, can organize your thoughts and bring about great relief. Even if you're behind on everything, chances are you can work out a reasonable schedule for getting things done.

4.  Simplify, simplify, simplify! Do your kids really need to participate in five extracurricular activities and then fall into bed exhausted every night? Do you or your spouse commute two to three hours a day so that you can have a bigger house, nicer car, and high blood pressure? It might be time to consider ways in which you can take some of the unnecessary stress out of your family's lives.

5.  It's okay to give yourself a break. You don't have to be an over-achiever. Just because you intended to keep your photo albums up to date doesn't mean you have to follow through, especially if it's stressing you out. The way I see it, that's what the golden years are for!

This week, if you're feeling at all overwhelmed, I ask you to take a few minutes to step back and reevaluate your life, your priorities, and your current values. You might find that decisions and commitments you made in the past are no longer serving you, or that your current needs are not being adequately addressed.

Beyond the Myth of "Happily Ever After"

Most of us have had the experience of becoming infatuated with another human being. It may be a lover or soul mate, an infant or child, a friend, teacher, celebrity, stranger (or even a pet). We feel an intense connection to this person that seems bigger than life. There's a magic that feels dreamy and otherworldly. In these moments we're transformed, and we believe we will never suffer from loneliness or the ordinary again.

But eventually that feeling fades, and we fall back down to earth. It's not a bad thing, but it's not very magical-feeling either, and it can be intensely disconcerting.

In her book, Gift from the Sea (1955), Anne Morrow Lindbergh discusses the seasons of love, and how we humans tend to get attached to the first, romanticized  phase of a relationship (spring), and almost inevitably feel a sense of failure and grief when the relationship changes (and moves on to summer). It is at this point that many relationships end or take a difficult turn.

Lindbergh suggests that the problem lies in our expectation and desire to experience that exclusive, "being loved alone," feeling continuously and permanently (which is what the "happily ever after" myth promises). It's not that true love isn't continuous, but that those one-and-only moments are not continuous, but are instead intermittent.

Lindbergh writes, "One comes in the end to realize that there is no permanent pure-relationship and there should not be. It is not even something to be desired. The pure relationship is limited, in space and time. In essence it implies exclusion. It excludes the rest of life, other relationships, other sides of personality, other responsibilities, other possibilities in the future. It excludes growth. The other children are there clamoring outside the closed nursery door. One loves them too. The telephone rings in the next room. One also wants to talk to friends......Life must go on."

What if we didn't get fooled by the "happily ever after," and accepted that life and relationships are ever-changing? What if we enjoyed the one-and-only moments fully and didn't cling to them or let them go by unnoticed? My guess is that there would be a lot more magic and joy in our daily lives.

Do You Wrestle with Struggle?

Last week I had the realization that most of our problems---past and present, large and small---are the result of humanity's tendency to struggle. Of course this is understandable, given the whole survival drama, but I can't help noticing that even when we're safe, well-fed, and physically comfortable, most of us still struggle as if we're sumo wrestlers. We argue with reality, defend our opinions, fight nature, resist aging, battle with food, wage war on illness, protest perceived injustices, reject love (....and then chase rejection!) Many of us constantly do things the hard way, and then complain about how difficult life is.

Inner and Outer Conflict

I know you are not neurotic, but you might know someone who is :) I think of neurosis as being a constant struggle with the self: phobias, self-doubt, resentments, guilt, shame, self-punishment, perpetual tip-toeing, and always compensating for not being perfect. This is one of the worst kinds of struggle there is because it is self-imposed, and the battleground lies within.

Then there's the warrior mentality---the one who feels compelled to fight and control everything outside of his/her personal sphere.

But whether the battle is within or without, the struggle can be an exhausting waste of precious energy, and can be addictive.

What to do?

If you meditate regularly, are mellow by nature, or have succeeded in your efforts to conquer your demons and find inner peace, I commend you, because this is no small feat. If, on the other hand, you still battle with struggle, I suggest the following:

1.   Face the realities of the human condition:  everybody makes mistakes, there's very little you can actually control, aging is normal, life can be unfair, people you love are going to die, and eventually so will you. (Sorry to be blunt, but fighting reality is a losing proposition).

2.   Try to adopt a stance of non-defensiveness. The bigger your ego, the more energy you are likely to put into validating and defending yourself and pursuading others that your ideas are right.

3.   Challenge the puritan belief that says you have to work word and struggle for what you want and need, or that there are limited opportunities for success. If you look around you'll see that some people naturally manifest everything they need with ease and grace. You can too, especially if you get in the flow.

4.   Forgiveness and acceptance are spiritual practices that can really take the edge off the tyranny of our egos. Fighting the form that life is taking and holding onto grudges only hurts you. Work for change if you like, but by accepting life and forgiving yourself and others whenever possible, you can find your inner calm.

Take good care, and have a peaceful week.

Envy: The Green-Eyed Monster

A couple weeks ago, the green-eyed monster appeared at my door. I didn't recognize him at first because it had been years since I'd seen him. He pushed past me and invited himself in for tea. Then he shared with me his thoughts on what I lack---things that other people have that I should surely have too.

I was intrigued, and against my better judgment, I offered him more tea....and some cake. I told him (in a whiny voice) that I do want these things, but that they always seemed to elude me. Envy took my hand and looked very sorry for me, indeed. He said, "There, there, dear---don't worry. You can have what those people have. You can have whatever it is your heart desires. You just have to want it enough.

When he'd had his fill of tea and treats, Envy bid me goodbye for the day and left me alone to contemplate the things that other people have that I don't. I decided that if they could have it, so could I. Surely I could want it enough to make it so.

But wanting it is addictive. Wanting it possesses us. Wanting what we don't have is the stuff that the green-eyed monster lives on (that, along with tea and good company!)

And then finally, after moping around for several day, the inevitable thought occurred to me, "What you already have is pretty great. Why don't you try focusing on that and just see what happens?" So I did. And with nothing left to sustain him (and in a poof of green smoke), Envy was gone.

Envy vs. Jealousy

Although the words "envy" and "jealousy" are often used interchangeably, their meanings do differ in one important way. Envy is when we desire something that we don't have, while jealousy is the fear of losing something that we value. The common thread is our need or desire to "possess."

So, what is your relationship with the green-eyed monster?

Your "Happy Place," Why and How to Go There

Do you ever experience annoying mind chatter, negative self-talk, or intrusive/petty criticism of yourself and others? Yep, me too. Some days are relatively peaceful, but other days feel like a presidential debate in my head (and nobody enjoys that kind of dog fight).

What to do about it? Well, turning things around might be easier than you think. And what I'm going to recommend is based on the relationship between your head and your heart.

You see, we tend to think of the heart as being mushy and sentimental (weak), and the brain as being capable of neutrality and reason (strong). We think we can talk ourselves and others out of our feelings and moods by applying any number of manipulative techniques, such as minimizing, theorizing, justifying, denying, correcting, consoling, cheering up, bargaining, etc. The problem is that if those tactics worked (beyond the band-aid effect) we wouldn't continue to be so stressed out and judgmental. And. We. Are.

It turns out that the heart (physical organ + major energy center) is the rhythm-setting powerhouse of the entire body and mind. In their book, Transforming Stress: The HeartMath Solution for Relieving Worry, Fatigue and Tension,  Childre and Rozman write: "The heart's electromagnetic field has forty to sixty times more amplitude than that of the brain, while the heart's magnetic field is approximately five thousand times stronger than the field produced by the brain."

And I recently heard  a similar statistic, that sixty times more information is sent from the heart to the brain than from the brain to the heart. So you can begin to see why it's a waste of time to rely on your head to influence your feelings. The real power lies in using your heart to influence your head (which then leads to improved moods and reduced stress).

Going to your "Happy Place" 

Here comes the easy part (maybe not the first time, but it gets easier each time you do it). When you're angry, depressed, judgmental---stop for a second and close your eyes. Put your left (or non-dominant) hand on your heart area, and breathe slowly and deeply, as if actually breathing in through the heart, and out through the heart.

If might help to slowly count from one to five with each inhale, and one to five with each exhale, or say to yourself, "breathe in through the heart....breathe out through the heart...." The key is to focus your attention on your heart, breathe deeply, and disregard input from the brain. You're consciously directing attention away from your head and into your chest.

If you're a chronic over-thinker (or control freak!), this could be difficult or even feel threatening the first time you try it, but ultimately you have to ask yourself whether or not you're willing to feel better and/or stop the inner battle.

For me, this exercise works great, because experience has taught me that the heart is a safe zone, a feel-good place. If you tap into something sad, it's not coming from your heart: it's coming from somewhere else in your body (the body stores all sorts of unhealed and repressed stuff), but the heart---which is the seat of the Higher Self---remains a beacon of light to the weary traveler.

Please let me know how this works for you or if you have any questions. You can leave a comment below or contact me at jvshinn@wakeupsweetheart.com. You may also be interested in learning more about the Institute of HeartMath. They have great books and trainings, and the following article does a good job of summing up their approach: pbs.org/heartmath.

Are You Living Your Purpose?

Over the weekend I attended a great communication workshop, and our first task as participants was to introduce ourselves by answering the following questions:
1.  What is your name?
2.  What is your passion?
3.  What is your main strength?

I thought this was a brilliant exercise because it forced people to do a quick self-evaluation---sort of a "first-thing-that-pops-into-your-head" kind of assessment of who they are. And while my responses to the first two items were predictable (especially the name part), what I blurted out as my main strength surprised me a bit. I thought to myself, "That's probably not right---I'll have to think about that..." But interestingly, as the day progressed, I came to realize that my first impression was right-on, and that these three questions seemed to be the key to understanding one's life purpose(s).

Let's take a closer look.

Your Name:  Even if you have a common name, when you introduce yourself, you are expressing an individual, one-of-a-kind energy signature. Who you are and exactly what you came here to do cannot be duplicated by anyone else in the universe. You and your life purpose are unique.

Your Passion:  What do you love to do? What were your interests as a child? What is your dream? How would you spend your time if you didn't have to worry about earning a living, taking care of others, or living up to someone else's expectations of you? One's life purpose must contain some element of passion, even if it feels conflicted, like, "I paint because I must." If you're not passionate about what you're doing, then it's probably not your highest purpose for being on this planet.
(Note: if you are most passionate about drugs, alcohol, porn, or another compulsive behavior, this is most certainly masking your true passion from expressing itself).

Your main Strength:  We all have multiple strengths. You may be creative, kind, talented, intelligent, and playful, but if you had to pick one of these, which would it be? If you polled your friends and family members, what would they say? This is key to understanding your life purpose, because fulfilling it requires great competence in at least one area of your life. (And this exceptional trait may be unacknowledged by you, such as possessing the ability to put people at ease or lift their spirits just by being in your presence). So, if you flunked 6th grade math, your life purpose probably doesn't entail becoming an astrophysicist, even if your father and grandfather are astrophysicists who hope you will follow in their footsteps!

When you recognize yourself as a unique being with specialized desires and abilities, it only makes sense that your life purpose would follow. However, so often we take for granted what we love and are good at because we think that being successful demands that we master something difficult---something that we see others doing, and admire. Maybe we think, "What I do is so easy, anyone could do it," or, "That's what I do for fun; a career involves hard work." And all too often we let parents, teachers, or other outside forces dictate what direction we take in life, and then spend years daydreaming of what we'd really like to be doing.

And so I ask you, 
What's your name?
What's your passion?
What's your main strength?

The Three Most Important Things

This morning I woke up feeling great---that is until I started going through my mental "to-do" list. Like most people between the ages of 10 and 80, I felt inundated by the litany of tasks I felt responsible for carrying out. Then, I heard a little voice in my head that said, "How much of this really matters? At the end of your life, what will have mattered?" Wow, man....heavvvy.

But this thought was not a startling revelation or brilliantly insightful. We all ask ourselves these questions periodically---it's an existential exercise, and a valuable one at that. But this morning as I considered my answers, I found myself wanting to dig deeper than usual, and the internal conversation went something like this:

Q:   At the end of my life, will it matter that I had a cluttered house?
A:   Well, it wouldn't matter that I had a cluttered house if it didn't bother me everyday and cause me to me feel disorganized and lazy. But it does bother me, so that means it really does matter.

Q:   In the final analysis, will it matter that I had a tendency to procrastinate and was not always as productive as I could have been?
A:   No, not really. As long as I got the most important things done, I could accept not being as productive as I could have been. I don't need to be perfect.

Q:   When all is said and done, would it matter whether or not I exercised my body today?
A:   It might not matter whether or not I exercised my body today, but making health a priority in my life would matter a great deal in the long run, so what I decide to do today matters.

What I learned from this inquiry was that when we project forward in time and consider the long-term effects of our habits, we can gain tremendous clarity and focus. For instance, my answers to the first two questions actually surprised me. Stepping back and seeing a bigger picture gave me a perspective that would help me focus on how to spend my efforts, and what areas I could back off on..

So, let's look at your "to-do" list and prioritize it based on the above criteria. When you consider the long-term ripple effects, which of your tasks become important, and which can you move off the "nag" page temporarily or altogether? For the sake of focus and simplicity, which are the three most important things for you to do today?

 If we take a couple minutes every day to check in with ourselves and get our priorities straight, I think we'll find that life becomes less stressful and much more manageable. It's not how much we get done that matters, but how much value we get out of what we've done.