Worry: Does it Control You?

“Worrying is like a rocking chair---it keeps you busy, but doesn't get you anywhere.” Actually, this is putting it mildly, because the habit of worrying can really compromise the quality of your life.

Of course, not all fretting is created equal. There are different types and degrees of worry. Some is nagging and annoying, but basically harmless, like when you want to return a package of paper clips to the Dollar Store, but are afraid they won’t honor your receipt because it’s been over 30 days.

Then there’s the haunting kind of worry that convinces you if you don’t monitor and supervise your child’s every move, he won’t live to see another sunrise. That’s extreme worry----worry that’s crossed over into phobia territory, and it’s not good for you or your child.

If you’re not a worrier, I commend you, because it’s truly a feat to live in a world where anything could happen at any moment, and not feel the need to brace yourself, which is one of the functions of worrying: “If I’m cautious and prepared, I’ll be ready...”  But that’s not all that worrying offers. It also says: “I care” (about my husband, my children, my health),  and often, “I’m conscientious and responsible. I take my job as mother very seriously."  (We worriers can be very self-righteous).

But, underneath it all, worry is a spiritual issue. It’s the ego saying: “I don’t trust that there’s a divine order, and I don’t believe that I can handle whatever may happen, so I’d better think and plan and protect and prepare..."

In spite of our arguments, worrying really is like a rocking chair (that keeps you busy but doesn't get you anywhere). Worrying doesn't protect your children, or mean that you care more, or that you’re responsible. Not really, because all of that can be achieved without the low grade, persistent fear that characterizes worry. And not only that, focusing on a feared event can actually draw it to you. Aaack!!!

What to do? I believe the twelve step programs have had it right all along by helping members regain control of their lives by connecting with a Higher Power (than their ego-selves), and then surrendering all concerns and issues to that Higher Power, Higher Self, or God. 

This is a basic spiritual concept that has helped about a gazillion people heal and get back on track with their lives. If it doesn't work the first time, don't despair. Sometimes you have to surrender a hundred times before your little self backs off and starts to release control, but eventually it does work. 

What Are the Akashic Records?

All that you are, have been, and potentially will be, is accessible through the Akashic Records, an ethic library or data base of every thought, feeling, intention, action, and event that has ever occurred throughout the history of the universe. By tapping into and working with the Akashic Record of your soul's journey, not only can you better understand your current life experiences and purpose, but also heal and grow with greater direction and ease.

"Akasha" is a Sanscrit word describing the ether or non-physical substance that exists throughout all things, beings, places, and galaxies. Within the fabric of the Akasha is a living, ever-changing, memory or record of everything that has ever transpired. While we all experience some level of access to these records (whether in waking life, meditation, the dream state, or through our intuitive gifts), I have found that learning to consciously tap into and work with the Akashic Records is extremely fascinating and productive.

The Records exist in holographic form, meaning that their entirety can be accessed through any small part of creation, such as within a single cell, but that the Akashic Records also appear to people as existing on another dimension in the form of an etheric library, super-computer, or other center.

Edgar Cayce and other reputable Akashic "readers" describe this vast library as consisting of three major halls: the Hall of Wisdom, Hall of Learning, and Hall of Records. These halls represent different types of cosmic intelligence, technology, historical data, etc., and are accessible to humanity as well as all other life forms in the universe.

Great scientists, inventors, teachers, artists, musicians, writers, and others routinely draw from, and contribute to, the vast body of knowledge, wisdom, and experience that make up the Akashic Records.

If you're interested in learning more, there are a number of good articles and books available that can help you gain access to the wisdom of Akashic Records.

Guilt: How to Learn from Our Mistakes and Move On

A couple weeks ago we talked about everyday forgiveness, or making a practice of forgiving the little annoyances and judgments we experience on a daily basis. This week, I wanted to address the issue of guilt, or how we hold onto unforgiveness toward ourselves for things we've done, or think we've done. (Note the following distinction between guilt and shame: guilt is about what you do, while shame is about who you are.)

I had the opportunity, yesterday, of spending time with a terminally ill woman and her husband. Probably because of old religious conditioning, Elsie believed that when she transitioned out of this life, she would not be welcomed at the pearly gates. She vaguely referred to "mistakes" she had made in her life, but wouldn't elaborate. Her husband became annoyed, and said, "Oh, for God's sake, Elsie, you're practically a Saint. What mistakes could you possibly have made that would make you think you were going to hell?" Elsie looked at him, surprised. After all, he knew her better than anyone else had.

On a personal level, this made me consider what guilt I might be holding onto that would follow me to the grave. Interestingly, the only thing that came to mind was an isolated (parenting) incident that anyone who heard the story would quickly forgive. I found this interesting, because, like any human being, I've probably done my share of damage, but this mothering faux pas was the only thing that really "stuck."

As I thought about it, I realized that guilt is completely subjective and unreliable as a record of what we did or who we are. I thought of the "life reviews" I've so often read about in hypnotherapy case studies of life after death, near death accounts, etc., and realized that the incident I felt most guilty about wouldn't even appear in my life review, except as an example of how I had been too hard on myself. What would more likely appear were the unconscious ways I had behaved or affected people, both positively and negatively. Fascinating.

And I imagined that the perceived mistakes Elsie had made in her life were in the same category. The supposedly poor judgments, or times she broke the rules, or situations where she had adversely affected others, were probably just landmarks designating where she had learned what not to do. But instead of extracting these important lessons and moving forward, she had held onto them. Maybe that was her only actual "mistake."

The Purpose of Guilt

Guilt is an important human emotion, because it lets us know when or how we've gone against our own values. It's actually very personalized and doesn't reflect how good or bad of a person you've been, as some might think. It's all in our perception.

Feeling guilt is valuable to us in the short term, but not in the long term. Like fear, anger, or jealousy, guilt gives us a "heads up" so we can make adjustments or right our path, but isn't useful as a permanent fixture in our psyches. In fact, guilt that has taken root can downgrade into shame, or even make us complacent in the role of perpetrator: "If I'm a bad person, I might as well act like one..." (I've often seen this play out with people who, as children, were taught concepts such as original sin).

Moving On

Naturally, the cure to releasing guilt and moving forward is to work through these thoughts and feelings and find a way to forgive yourself for not being perfect. As mentioned, it's important to acknowledge where you believe you went wrong, and learn from that. You might need to make amends to yourself or another. (Even if that person is no longer on the planet, you can still apologize. He/she will receive the message loud and clear). But know that whether or not others forgive you is their business, not yours. Ultimately, your business is between you and your Higher Self or God.

Battling Demons: Is It Really Necessary?

Yesterday I was involved in a group discussion regarding how best to view and deal with the dark forces that exist in our lives and in our universe. Among the comments, two themes seemed to emerge:  first, that there exists a very real discrepancy between the darker forces and those of the light, and that we lightseekers need to be prepared to stand up to the energies that would undermine us. (We're not talking about "Lord of the Rings"-like war and drama, but we shouldn't be naive Hobbits, either!)

The other line of thought was that this duality exists only in the world of the lower self, and that when we approach this issue from the stance of the already-elevated Higher Self, not only do we possess all the psychic shielding we might need, but we don't even register the existence of a threat or battle.

Personally, I find both points of view to be valid because I've experienced success and failure within each model. I've been the Hobbit, the Bambi, the innocent who "never saw it coming," and I've learned from harsh consequences that we humans have to have some street smarts when we live in this volatile neighborhood called Earth.

As well, I've experienced that the best defense is standing in your full power and glory, and that only happens when you've bumped your energy up to the next level, (which can be achieved through meditation, laughter, communing with nature, energy work, and other emotionally/spiritually-elevating practices). We can't be fearful and truly safe at the same time because fear (beyond the initial warning signal) actually weakens us.

And so I offer this: "Trust in God, but tie up your camel." Know that this can be a rough place and time, but that there's beauty and light all around it. Raise your vibration as much as you can, and stay aware of what's going on around you. I believe this is how we can bridge the gap between our human and spiritual realities.

Everyday Forgiveness: How to Give Yourself and Others Some Slack

Let's face it, we humans tend to be a judgmental bunch, wouldn't you say? I guess it's a product of duality, because ours is a world of light and dark, up and down, hard and soft, good and bad, right and wrong, and so on. While philosophies such as Buddhism are committed to accepting life on life's terms, for most of us this is a foreign concept. Most organized religions, political parties, and cultures in general, have set ideas about what's okay and what's not, and are more than happy to enlighten you as to how things, and people, should be.

And so most of us have learned to judge virtually everything and everyone we come in contact with, even if on a subtle level. Of course there's great variation among people: some are naturally more easy-going and accepting, while others are naturally more shrewd and opinionated. But it seems that most of us spend a lot of valuable time and energy judging and critiquing ourselves and others. (And they go hand-in-hand, don't they? If we're hard on ourselves we're probably hard on others, and vice versa: when we punish our kids for lying and then do it ourselves, we have to deal with the annoying hypocrisy issue. Ugh!)

So, what's to be done? I'd say if you're comfortable with the stream of thoughts that run through your head on a daily basis, then you're right where you need to be. On the other hand, if you are troubled by an internal gripefest, you might want to work on developing what I call everyday forgiveness.

What does that mean exactly? For me, there are two kinds of forgiveness: big and small. Big forgiveness is when you have to reach inside your soul and find the willingness and strength to forgive someone or something that you believe has really, really hurt you.

Small, or everyday, forgiveness is easier to implement on a case-by-case basis, but requires great persistence and commitment to master. Per my definition, everyday forgiveness means forgiving yourself and anyone else who you might be inclined to judge, condemn, or hold a grudge against. And here's how it works:

You have the thought, "Chad is a jerk." which upsets you for one or more reasons. Maybe because you believe Chad's jerk-like behavior is causing you stress, or because you believe Chad shouldn't be a jerk; or perhaps because judging Chad this way makes you feel like, well, a jerk! So what do you do? You could get into a kerfuffle with yourself and/or Chad about it, or you could just say to yourself (with as much sincerity as you can muster), "I forgive Chad for acting like a jerk, and I forgive myself for judging him."

Believe it or not, this really does work. Why? Because it feels good to cut a brother some slack, and it feels good to take responsibility for your own judgments (and then forgive yourself for having them). This can also provide useful information, because if you're intensely annoyed or judgmental toward someone over a seemingly minor infraction, and forgiving them and yourself doesn't work right away, you can be sure there's more going on there than meets the eye. It alerts you that you might need to dig a little deeper to discover what (and whom) truly requires your forgiveness.

This week I invite you to try this on and see how it goes. You might find that you need to state the idea a different way, like "I accept you, and I accept myself, in all our imperfection." Or you might find that you actually enjoy the charge you get from entertaining banter in your mind. That's fine!. But, if you discover that you are unable or unwilling to forgive yourself and/or others for being other than you want them to be, you might want to look at that, because no human is perfect and your judgments will never change that fact. Forgiving is not condoning, giving in, or even being nice---it's just allowing people to be who they are.

You Are Not Your Diagnosis

Have you ever received a medical or psychological diagnosis? The funny thing about diagnoses is that they can be very helpful---for a minute or so---but can actually exacerbate your condition if you take them on. The purpose of a diagnosis is to help health care folks quickly grasp what's going on with a patient so they can draw upon already-collected information and treatment options. It can also provide a framework for patients to understand what's happening and how they can help themselves find relief. Ideally, the diagnosis functions like toilet paper---it serves an important purpose, and then gets flushed. (Well, maybe not flushed, but you get my point.)

When I was studying psychology in graduate school, I took a class called Diagnosis and Assessment. It was based on a diagnostic manual called the DSM-III, which was the bible of psychiatrists and psychotherapists. I remember buying my own shining copy of the DSM-III, and handling it with great reverence and care. I thought it was scientific and authoritative, and that the disorders in the book were, I don't know, real. I studied it carefully, and busily diagnosed myself and everyone I had ever known. Oh my God! Who knew we were all so screwed up?

It wasn't until I'd been practicing psychotherapy for several years that I realized the DSM-III was, well, a bunch of hooey. These supposed "disorders," I eventually realized, were just the human psyche doing what the human psyche does:  feeling stuff, thinking stuff, and getting itself trapped in certain, often stereotypical, patterns, like anxiety, depression, and phobias. These serious-sounding diagnoses were usually (but not always) normal thoughts and emotions that had taken an unfortunate turn and eventually developed into an affliction. (And as I review my medical history, I can apply the same observation regarding physical diagnoses.....the body doing what the body does in response to personal and environmental factors).

This is not to say that we should dismiss and ignore these symptoms or diagnoses. If we're suffering (physically, mentally, or emotionally), we want to find a way to help ourselves, as well as seek outside help if necessary. And there is a great deal of information and help available, some of which is critical to our survival, and much of which can make us sicker and more desperate.

Identifying with your Diagnosis

I could go on about the ills of the medical system, lack of understanding regarding the mind-body connection, the misuse of prescription drugs, etc., but honestly I think the biggest problem with medical and psychological diagnoses is that we, the patients, tend to hand over our personal authority to imperfect systems, and then over-identify with the labels they slap on us. "I am Bill," becomes, "I am Bipolar." And "I am Denise," becomes "I am disabled." Then, a whole, personal universe forms around that diagnosis:  fear, resistance, alienation, dehumanization, feeling broken or defective..

The following is a quote from Robert Schwartz's book, Your Soul's Gift, which can be adapted to virtually any diagnosis, disorder, or disability:

"If one could look at depression, anxiety, fear, or any other negative emotion [or illness] as just one part of the self that is confused [or not well], then there would be another part of the self that could look at this with an understanding and a gentleness that would reassure it. But people tend to identify completely with their depression, anxiety, or fear, and then feel unbalanced. They cannot find their core, their true self, anymore. The first thing to realize is that you are not your fear [or addiction, or illness, or disability]. You could see the fear, for instance, as a child who comes to you for help. By seeing it that way, you will feel that you are much bigger than the fear. You can get in touch with the child, speak with it, and understand it. Sometimes a therapist can play the role of this parent or guide. The key always is to find a place in your awareness from which to look at the fear and not be the fear." 

And so I leave you with this idea that you are not your diagnosis, and you never could be. Underneath it all, you are a brilliant, radiantly healthy soul who is experiencing a little, or a lot, of imbalance in your physical manifestation. Even if your body is terminally ill or you have a debilitating mental illness, know that this is not who you are---it's just what you're going through right now. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, and if you can reconnect with your inner knowing, you'll realize, firsthand, that this is true.

Your Feelings: How to Honor Them without Building a City around Them

For many years, proponents of the law of attraction paradigm have been reminding us not to indulge in "negative" thoughts or feelings because these thoughts and feelings are the building blocks of our reality. I get where they're coming from, and I know it's absolutely true, but creating a happy life requires more than practicing affirmations and visualizations, and banishing certain thoughts and feelings from our minds. (People who truly understand the law of attraction are crystal clear about this, but this isn't true for everyone). The reality is that resisting our dark thoughts and uncomfortable emotions can create a world of hurt where peace and acceptance could have lived.

You've probably seen the inspirational posters on Facebook, and many of them are fantastic, but lately I've become troubled by the deluge of messages telling us that transcending our humanness is just a thought away: "One moment spent in anger is one less moment spent in joy." As a former psychotherapist, I can tell you that one moment spent in any authentic feeling (even rage) can be the best thing that ever happened to us, and one moment spent stuffing an important feeling can lead to our doom. (Note that many of our repetitive, everyday feelings are actually distortions of the true feelings they mask: depression may be repressed anger, or anger may be repressed sadness.)

Emotions are built-in messengers that let us know when something is up. Emotions are also the body's way of processing and releasing energies that could take root and become unhealthy. Toddlers understand this. When they're sad or hurt, they cry. When they're angry, they kick and scream. When they're scared, they actively seek comfort and protection. Then they move on. They feel it, express it, and let it go. They don't plot revenge for something that happened last week. Why, then, are emotions so difficult for older children and adults to handle?

The problem lies in the socialization process, which is often like the blind leading the blind. Parents, teachers, and society can only teach what they know, which often is made up of messages such as:

"anger is unladylike (or unattractive)"
"men don't cry"
"just get over it"
"look on the bright side"
"you shouldn't feel that way"
"smile!"
"one moment spent in anger is one less moment spent in joy"

Can you hear the fear in these messages? Your emotions are dangerous. Feeling them can hurt you. But the truth is that not feeling them can hurt you. Swallowing them (so they can fester for years in your body and psyche) is the real danger. And trying to repress thoughts doesn't work any better. When people are chronically angry, depressed, addicted, sick, self-destructive, or in pain, most often it means that they didn't know how to manage the landscape of their psychological lives, and these repressed or distorted thoughts and feelings found a convenient, but unsavory, place to camp out.

The sad irony in all this is that our original, real, pure, and true feelings are usually pretty easy to manage when we allow them to be felt and expressed, and when we don't make up stories that lead to a lot of crazy thoughts. When we're sad, we feel it and perhaps shed a tear (even if we're a man). When we're angry, we allow the feeling to be there and maybe even express it (even if we're a woman). We don't let it go underground and wreak future havoc.

This week, I ask you to observe what you do when an uncomfortable thought or emotion arises. Do you simply notice it and/or feel it for a moment without going into a reaction? Or do you argue with it, tell it to go away, try to rise above it, or reach for the Oreos? I've done all of the above (and still do occasionally), but believe me, you are strong enough to handle your emotions, especially if you deal with them as they arise. And if you feel initially overwhelmed by old stuff coming up to be released, seek the help of a therapist or wise friend. In the long run it's worth it. You're worth it.