How to Be a More Compassionate Person

Everyone knows compassion is a virtue, and that altruistic action makes the world a better place. Last week, we discussed how compassion is a best-kept secret because of the huge benefits it provides to the person giving it. This week, I wanted to follow up with some ideas on how to cultivate greater compassion within ourselves and our sphere of influence.

The following are tips from from the web site Greater Good: The Science of a Meaningful Life:

1. Look for commonalities. We're all human and we all share common human feelings, concerns, doubts, etc. Noticing ways that we are alike fosters feelings of compassion for self and others, while focusing on differences can make us feel isolated and separate.
2. Calm your inner worrier. Sometimes hearing of other people's challenges can launch us into fear ("that could happen to me!"), thus shutting down our ability to feel compassion. Working on staying present in the moment can ease inner stress.
3. Encourage cooperation, not competition. Working together, or seeing ourselves and others as part of the same team, can foster feelings of compassion, while competition encourages separateness.
4. See people as individuals (not abstractions). Remembering that everyone is a real person, as opposed to a statistic or demographic, can help us maintain our human connection.
5. Don't play the blame game. There is a natural tendency to relieve our own stress by telling ourselves things like, "She shouldn't have been walking alone in that neighborhood---I would never do something like that!" 
6. Respect your inner hero. When we realize that our efforts make a difference, we're more likely to reach out with compassion.
7. Notice and savor how good it feels to exercise compassion. This will reinforce the positive experience, and make it more a part of who you are. 
8. To cultivate compassionate kids, start by modeling kindness. Compassion is contagious (as is it's opposite), so be conscious of what example you're setting for future generations.
9. Curb inequity. People who feel a sense of status over others, tend to feel less compassion and more entitlement. 
10. Don't be a sponge. Taking on other people's suffering doesn't help anybody, and can lead to distress, burnout, and even illness. Compassion at its best is about alleviating suffering, not creating more. 

Compassion: The Best Kept Secret

Have you ever awoken, cringing over a heartless comment you made the day before? That was me this morning. How could I have said that? I'm usually so nice...!

Let's face it, it's not easy to keep our hearts open in a healthy and balanced way, especially for those of us who are empaths. And what's the difference between compassion, altruism, empathy, sympathy, and pity? Are some of these healthy, and others not? The following explanation comes from the web site Greater Good: the Science of a Meaningful Life:

Compassion is not the same as empathy or altruism, though the concepts are related. While empathy refers more generally to our ability to take the perspective of and feel the emotions of another person, compassion is when those feelings and thoughts include the desire to help. Altruism, in turn, is the kind, selfless behavior often prompted by feelings of compassion, though one can feel compassion without acting on it, and altruism isn't always motivated by compassion.

I really like this definition, because compassion, as an energy, does hold a maturity and wisdom that empathy, sympathy, and pity do not. Compassion seems to have a deep evolutionary purpose.

Buddhism and other spiritual traditions have understood the power of compassion for centuries, but lately science has taken an interest in understanding the "measurable benefits" of experiencing compassion. Recent studies have linked compassion with the following:

• improved general health and well being
• reduced risk of heart disease (by slowing heart rate)
• lowering stress hormones in the blood and saliva
• strengthening the immune system
• sharpening mental focus, and calming the mind
• strengthening relationships (of all kinds)
• being more socially adept, thus less vulnerable to loneliness
• being better parents (raising kinder, more peaceful children)
• advancing the evolution of our species  

The other cool thing research is showing is that compassion is not something that you either have or you don't. It can be cultivated and strengthened through targeted exercises and practice. In fact, compassion training programs, such as those out of Emory University and Stanford University, are revealing how we can increase feelings of compassion in ourselves and others. 

Please join me here next week as we discuss the "hows" of becoming a more truly compassionate person.

Relationship Communication: How Are You Doing?

Last week, we talked about our human tendency to get stuck in patterns of doing the same old things over and over again even when they obviously don’t work, such as reenacting the same infuriating argument with our partner (for the hundredth time), or nagging our kids incessantly, even when it’s obvious that they've long since tuned us out.

This week, I wanted to discuss how, exactly, we might be more successful in communicating what we want and need, and effecting positive changes in our important relationships. The great classic book, The Dance of Anger, by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D, outlines the do's and don’ts of addressing problems with other people. Many of the following tips will be familiar to you, but I've found this list to be extremely helpful in getting me back on track when my communications have gone astray. I hope you find it helpful too.

1.    Do speak up when an issue is important to you. Sometimes simply letting something go is an act of maturity, but you “de-self” yourself when you fail to take a stand on issues that really matter to you.

2.    Don’t strike when the iron is hot. Fighting is not always a bad thing, but when communication has become a destructive pattern, it becomes important not to initiate a conversation when you’re feeling angry or upset.

3.    Do take time to think about the problem and to clarify your position. Before you speak out, ask yourself questions such as, “what is it about this situation that upsets me?” “what is the underlying issue here? “what exactly do I want to change?’  “what are my limits and boundaries regarding this issue?”

4.    Don’t use “below the belt” tactics. These include: put downs, condescension, sarcasm, blaming, guilt-tripping, diagnosing or analyzing the other person, moralizing, interrogating, ridiculing, ambushing, manipulating, threatening, or other war tactics.

5.    Do speak in “I” statements:  I think, I feel, I want, I’m afraid, I have an issue, etc., but avoid disguised, pseudo “I” statements such as, “I feel like you're being a jerk right now!”

6.    Don’t make vague requests. Be specific so that the other person doesn't have to read your mind to know what you want or need.

7.    Do try to appreciate that people are different.  Different ways of thinking and behaving don’t necessarily mean that one person is right (you) and the other person is wrong (him).

8.    Don’t participate in intellectual arguments that go nowhere. Trying to convince others of your rightness or their wrongness is a waste of time. Instead try saying something like, “It might sound crazy to you, but this is how I feel.”

9.    Do recognize that every person is responsible for his or her own behavior. If you’re blaming your friend’s new boyfriend because you never see your friend anymore, it’s time to have a conversation with your friend.

10.   Don’t tell another person what she thinks or feels, or what she should think or feel.  You can only know what you think and feel, and sometimes that’s not even possible.

11.   Do try to avoid speaking through a third party. If you’re angry about someone’s behavior, own it by saying “I’m upset about...,” instead of, “you hurt my daughter’s feelings when you...”

12.   Don’t expect change to come from “hit and run” confrontations. Change occurs over time, and we have to be willing to hang in there and work with people if we want to see positive changes in an important relationship.

Is It Time to Try Something Different?

Did you ever see the old Simpsons episode where Lisa does a science fair experiment called, "Who's smarter, my brother Bart or a hamster?" She sets corresponding traps whereby each subject is tempted by a tasty treat, but receives an electric shock when he touches it. Predictably, the hamster learns right away to avoid the shock, but Bart doesn't get it---at all---and reaches for the cupcake over and over again until he passes out. (Ouch!.......Ouch!........ Ouch!......Ouch!) Oh, Bart!

Do you ever feel like that---like you keep doing the same thing over and over again, and keep falling into the same old trap? Maybe you repeatedly get sucked into a useless argument that you've had with a family member a hundred times before, or you make the same new year's resolution twenty years in a row, and never make it past February?

We're smart people, so why do we do it? This might be more complicated than you think, because there are many reasons we might think we want something to be different, but are conflicted about change, or don't actually want it at all. Let's look at a few ways in which this typically plays out.

Fear of change
Sometimes our relationships seem to require that we stay the same, or that we maintain our assigned role in the system. When we change, it can throw a marriage or family system into a tailspin. As long as you keep doing the same dance, (the same fight, or playing the same role), everyone is protected from having to change. Let's say you play the role of the emotionally overreactive one in your family. As long as you keep holding all the emotion for the family, they won't have to feel anything, but if you learn to calm down, everyone else is likely to react. They'll probably even try to provoke you to "change back," so that they won't have to face their own feelings. It's not that they don't want what's best for you---they're just afraid.

Stubbornness
When we've spent years banging our heads against the wall trying to make something happen, we become invested in being right that this is the way to get it done. The idea that we've wasted all that time and energy, (and probably done some damage in the process) is unthinkable, especially if our ego is running the show. So instead of admitting defeat and trying something different, we bang our heads against the wall even harder. Never give up, right?

Not knowing any better
So often, we just automatically do what we've seen our parents, teaches or society do without noticing if it actually works. For instance we nag our children endlessly because that's what our parents and teachers did to us. It's so ingrained in our psyches that we never even question whether or not this is working or could ever work. (Another great example of this is America's commitment to weight loss diets, which are virtually guaranteed to fail, but we keep returning to them because we don't understand that there are better ways to approach the issue).

Loyalties
Sometimes there are unconscious agreements and/or loyalties that prevent us from changing, even though we might want to. For instance, if you're a woman, and your mother and your grandmother always struggled with their weight, you might perceive being fit and trim as a slap in the face to them. They might even have communicated this to you in some way, such as, "You look so nice in those jeans. I wish I could have looked like you when I was your age...(heavy sigh)" This message can create a separation between mother and daughter, one that would not exist if they struggled with the same issue together.

These are just a few of the many potential issues involved in making a change. This week, I ask you to look at where you might be feeling like Bart Simpson reaching for a cupcake. What's your problematic pattern or trap, and what might be the root of it? What do you believe would happen if you tried something different? How would others react? How would your life or self image be different?

When Honesty Really Matters

If you're like me, and most people, you value honesty and consider yourself a truthful person. Sure, occasionally you tell someone you like their unfortunate haircut---just to cheer them up, or exaggerate about something insignificant, but there's usually no harm in that, right?

Let's face it, we nice people don't want to hurt other people's feelings, which leads to all sorts of half-truths and omissions. It's also true that we don't want to get in trouble by admitting little mistakes we've made, especially if we live or work with people who are likely to criticize or blame us. It's all very understandable and forgivable---very human, if you will.

But what effect does it have on us and our relationships when we conceal important pieces of information because we're either unable or unwilling to own and express our truth? Or maybe we lie to ourselves about the way we feel, until one day we wake up and feel justified in writing off a friend or relative because their behavior has upset us for years, but we were never able to confront them about it.

It seems that so much confusion and suffering could be eliminated if we were willing to take full responsibility for being honest when it really matters. Personally, I'm not ready to commit to full disclosure of my innermost thoughts and feelings all day every day, but that's not really necessary, is it? What's important is that we learn to identify the moments or situations when what we're saying or not saying has consequences..

For instance, many couples break up because one or both of the partners waited too long to express dissatisfaction in some aspect of the relationship that could have been remedied had it been addressed earlier. Or maybe they expressed it, but not clearly enough to indicate the severity of their dissatisfaction. They might have said, "I don't appreciate having to pick up after you," (which is a great start), but never followed through later with, "I love you, but I won't live with someone who doesn't pick up after himself, so something has to change."

This week, I ask you to look at your life and notice if there's a relationship (with a friend, relative, partner, co-worker, or yourself) where you're not expressing something that really matters, or worse, deceiving the person. Notice the toll this is taking on you and/or your relationship, and consider what it would take to come clean.

Chances are, if you state your truth with clarity and love, communication will open up and the situation will improve right away. But it might not. Honesty can cause waves, and that's ultimately okay, because eventually the truth in every situation will surface, and the sooner this happens, the better.

Expressing something important that you haven't been saying can feel like a breath of fresh air. It can open your heart, and quiet your mind. It can create a miracle of healing and of new, creative solutions. The truth can truly set you free.

Getting Ahead of Yourself, or Holding Back

The other day a friend of mine described how she feels when she's not in the moment, not present with what's going on in her life. She talked about being in front of herself, as in leaning forward and trying control what's up ahead. She then talked about being behind herself, as in retreating back.

I found this description (and visual impression) to be so interesting and helpful, because it can guide us in understanding where we're off balance or not present in our bodies or lives. I recalled of a moment recently when I was at a beautiful lake, doing something I love to do---relaxing, and enjoying a good book. The only problem was that I had stopped understanding what I was reading and I was ignoring the beautiful surroundings, the perfect temperature, the breeze. This, I thought, was a perfect example of being behind myself. What I needed to do was put down the book and get with where I was in time and space and feeling in that moment.

An example of being ahead of myself occurred later that day, when my husband and daughter announced that they were going to swim the 3/4 of a mile cross the lake, and back. I found myself feeling a little nervous and wanting to tell them how to do it. Then I got busy mentally casting protective light around them. Control City. I was projecting myself into their business off of my own center.

If you think about the people you know, you can see this concept playing out in their body language, words, actions, and life circumstances. Do you know someone who's always in your face? Or someone who's so laid back that they don't get anything done? Some people take over a place while others recede into the woodwork.

Perhaps you've taken yoga classes and remember doing the Mountain Pose. It's mostly just standing up straight, legs slightly apart and equally weighted, with arms resting at your sides. This stance embodies being present in the moment and centered in your body. (Try it sometime---it can help you feel grounded and strong).

So where are you right now? Centered in you body? Ahead of yourself? Behind yourself? Perhaps floating above your body, or buried in the ground? Asking yourself this question every now and then can serve as a quick and effective practice for getting back to your center and learning when to step forward and when to step back.

Worry: Does it Control You?

“Worrying is like a rocking chair---it keeps you busy, but doesn't get you anywhere.” Actually, this is putting it mildly, because the habit of worrying can really compromise the quality of your life.

Of course, not all fretting is created equal. There are different types and degrees of worry. Some is nagging and annoying, but basically harmless, like when you want to return a package of paper clips to the Dollar Store, but are afraid they won’t honor your receipt because it’s been over 30 days.

Then there’s the haunting kind of worry that convinces you if you don’t monitor and supervise your child’s every move, he won’t live to see another sunrise. That’s extreme worry----worry that’s crossed over into phobia territory, and it’s not good for you or your child.

If you’re not a worrier, I commend you, because it’s truly a feat to live in a world where anything could happen at any moment, and not feel the need to brace yourself, which is one of the functions of worrying: “If I’m cautious and prepared, I’ll be ready...”  But that’s not all that worrying offers. It also says: “I care” (about my husband, my children, my health),  and often, “I’m conscientious and responsible. I take my job as mother very seriously."  (We worriers can be very self-righteous).

But, underneath it all, worry is a spiritual issue. It’s the ego saying: “I don’t trust that there’s a divine order, and I don’t believe that I can handle whatever may happen, so I’d better think and plan and protect and prepare..."

In spite of our arguments, worrying really is like a rocking chair (that keeps you busy but doesn't get you anywhere). Worrying doesn't protect your children, or mean that you care more, or that you’re responsible. Not really, because all of that can be achieved without the low grade, persistent fear that characterizes worry. And not only that, focusing on a feared event can actually draw it to you. Aaack!!!

What to do? I believe the twelve step programs have had it right all along by helping members regain control of their lives by connecting with a Higher Power (than their ego-selves), and then surrendering all concerns and issues to that Higher Power, Higher Self, or God. 

This is a basic spiritual concept that has helped about a gazillion people heal and get back on track with their lives. If it doesn't work the first time, don't despair. Sometimes you have to surrender a hundred times before your little self backs off and starts to release control, but eventually it does work.