What is Commitment?

Last week I started thinking about an old college friend who suddenly disappeared from my life almost two decades ago. She had been my best friend for 10 years, and I assumed we'd be buddies forever. One day, though, she stopped answering my phone calls. Try as I might, I was never able to find out why, and it has haunted me ever since.

When I look back on it now, I realize that even though we were a match for several years, over time I grew and developed in ways that clearly made her uncomfortable. It didn't matter to me that she wasn't interested in psychology or spirituality, as was I. I adored her exactly as she was, and I was committed to our friendship.

Revisiting this relationship wasteland again recently captured my attention in a big way. I realized that I had to let this go, once and for all, so I could be more committed to the great people who are in my life right now. I realized that holding onto the story of this long-lost friendship was probably a way of protecting myself from being too vulnerable in subsequent relationships. Paradoxically, the experience made me a more compassionate friend in some ways, and a more disengaged friend in other ways.

Commitment is a funny thing, because it can be extremely positive and important in many cases, but isn't necessarily what's called for. Sometimes it means never leaving someone, and sometimes it means showing due respect to someone you've cared for. Sometimes it's explicit, like when we marry or take a sacred oath, and sometimes it's implicit, like when we bring children into the world. Sometimes it's just assumed. Probably as many people have been hurt by commitments as have been empowered by them. It's complicated, and so often open to personal interpretation.

This week, please join me in taking time to consider what role commitment has had in your life. Have you been a good friend or loyal partner? Have you been committed to yourself? Has a lack of appropriate commitment been an issue or pattern in your personal or professional life? Have you suffered by having to follow through on a commitment that you wish you hadn't made?

Please also take time to honor the loyal, committed people you've been blessed to have in your life. These may or may not be your favorite folks to be around, but they're the ones you can count on. They may be friends, family members, coworkers, health care providers, teachers, neighbors, or even your lawyer, mail carrier, or favorite grocery store clerk. Acknowledge yourself, too, for all the times you've honored your commitments or perhaps handled difficult relationship issues with sensitivity and integrity.

Take care, and have a beautiful week.

Overcoming Nervous Habits

If you're human, you probably have a nervous habit---a very normal coping mechanism that once distracted you or calmed you down when you were feeling bored or anxious. It worked so well that the next time you were uncomfortable, you did it again, and soon it became a habit. The following are a few examples. You'll notice that some of these habits are harmless (except that they betray your nervousness), while others can develop into more serious issues.

• finger tapping/toe tapping
• gum chewing
• hair twirling
• rattling keys in pocket
• rushed speech
• fidgety fingers
• pencil drumming
• touching face or hair
• cracking knuckles
• nail biting
• skin picking
• teeth grinding
• comfort eating
• smoking
• drinking

If you're reading this, chances are you or someone you care about has concerns about a nervous habit that has gotten out of control. What started out as a simple distraction or act of self-soothing has taken on a life of its own. Perhaps it has become a source of embarrassment, or is limiting your success. Maybe it has even developed into an addiction or obsessive/compulsive behavior.

What to do

Advice on the subject of nervous habits abounds, and I first started thinking seriously about my favorite annoying habit (which shall go unnamed), when a friend mentioned a technique by Tony Robbins, whereby we identify the habit, the trigger, and the reward gained by engaging in the behavior. I'm paraphrasing, but the point is to change the reward from something that we don't want to something we do want (like from nail biting to massaging a tense muscle). My friend reported that this shift in focus had really helped her begin changing her nervous habit.

There's no doubt in my mind that this would work nicely on newer habits or habits that weren't highly charged and/or dysfunctional. But, being the psychology snob that I am, I wondered if this would really work on deep, long-standing habits, or if, when things got tense, we'd revert back to our roots. (Like when my New Jersey-born husband gets excited watching a foot ball game and yells, "Catch the bawwwwl!!") 

So I spent a week experimenting with this method. I identified the habit I wanted to change, noticed what the triggers were (anxiety, frustration, annoyance, boredom, depression), and came up with a good, appropriate substitute reward. This was a fantastic exercise because it showed me clearly what was going on, from start to finish, and helped me trace the roots of the behavior.

Unfortunately, the nervous habit was so ingrained and automatic, that the new reward didn't stand a chance. It was as if I was asking myself to breathe water instead of breathing air. Oh dear...

Fortunately, however, the overall experiment was a success, because it made me realize the depth of my sensitivity, and how important it is for me to find better ways of nurturing myself and preventing emotional overwhelm. I went online and found a number a good resources for dealing with my specific annoying nervous habit (which shall remain unnamed).

This week, I encourage you to try the above exercise, and see what happens. You'll either begin to transform a nervous habit, or gain new insight into what it's all about. Please also check the internet for resources to help you with your specific issue.

Why Positive Affirmations Don't Work

Okay, so I'm not saying that affirmations never work, because under certain circumstances, they do. But if you're inclined to state things in the positive in hopes that this alone will make them come true, you might be wasting your time. Let's look at why.

The human psyche is an incredibly complicated computer that isn't particularly responsive to being reprogrammed, and will "undo" new commands fairly quickly. I won't get into why we are so complicated, except to point to our super-emotional nature. (There are other reasons, too, but this one's a biggy.)

Anyway, we build our personal belief systems very early in life, based on our family's and culture's beliefs, our early life experiences, and our childhood choices. Some of these beliefs (such as, "I am stupid," "I am poor," and "people can't be trusted,") are formed before we even have words to describe them. And most of our individual worldview is firmly in place by the time we start school.

Because of the deeply entrenched nature of our beliefs, it is difficult to change them, although it can be done over time or by using specific belief-changing techniques such as Byron Katie's "The Work," Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), the Belief Closet process by Lion Goodman, Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), the Sedona Method, etc. These processes work by bringing limiting or negative beliefs up into consciousness and releasing them. (They must be faced---not kept down, through denial). Only then can they be replaced by more desirable beliefs, such as "I am beautiful," "I am prosperous," or "I am in a great relationship."

When we attempt to "dub over" an existing belief with it's opposite, all it does is introduce conflict into the psyche. Instead of our minds saying,"Hey, let's adopt this new, more positive thought," it just says, "Whaaaaat? That's not right," and kicks the new thought out. There's no place for it within the established paradigm. It doesn't fit. It doesn't compute.

On a Positive Note

When do affirmations actually work? Affirmations affect change when they're believable enough and don't cause the psyche to spit them out. For instance, you might look in the mirror and think, "I look okay today," and then decide to upgrade that thought by saying, "You know what? I look good!" Or when you've never hit a home run, but you've visualized it enough times that you start believing it's true. Or when you've done the work of unearthing a negative belief so that a new, better one can be planted. Or when you can feel that something is true even though you don't fully believe it yet ("I deserve to be happy").

If you'd like to change your limiting or negative beliefs into more positive ones, don't rely on affirmations alone. This is like cutting grass, continuing to water it, and hoping it doesn't grow back. Instead, check out some of the great tools available (see above) for getting to the roots of your unsuccessful belief systems and changing them, once and for all.

Dealing with Change

Have you noticed that some people naturally go with the flow, while others desperately cling to the status quo, as if their lives depended on things staying the same? The latter, of course, is a losing battle, because change is the natural order of things here on planet earth. Like the seasons of the year, all the stuff of 3-D life has a beginning, a middle, and an end. Time passes, our children grow up and leave us, dream jobs (and nightmare jobs) end, old pets die and new ones appear.

Some people or groups have (woven into their cultural or constitutional fabric) a very comfortable and reality-based view of life. For instance, in India, the roles of creation and destruction are weighted equally. Kali, the Goddess of time, change, and destruction, is respected and revered. Birth and death are simply two sides of the same coin.

Similarly, Buddhist philosophy embraces the concept of impermanence, not only because accepting what is leads to peace, but because they place a premium on living in the present moment, instead of dwelling on the past or projecting into the future. If you live for the richness of the real here-and-now moment, you take things as they come, and are less likely to compare and rate your experiences as "better" or "worse."

Here in the United States, we are culturally more likely to judge our experiences and conditions, and reject the changes we consider to be "negative." Birth is good, death is bad. Losing weight is good, gaining weight is bad. Staying young is good, aging is bad. We each have our own criteria for what we like and what we don't, but chances are we have attitudes and beliefs about how our lives should be, which set us up for a fall when these things change or don't pan out. (We're a little spoiled this way.)

I remember once going to a memorial service for an elderly relative who had passed away. I had two babies at the time, and asked if it was okay to bring them along. My cousin said, "Absolutely! I think it's very important for people to be reminded that along with death comes new life. Sometimes at funerals, we forget that."

And so I invite you to remember that change is inevitable. This means that not only will our happy moments pass by, but so will our difficult ones. Each moments is an opportunity to enjoy what we have and who we are, knowing that while the things of the world are temporary, the energy we carry (like our love for others) is permanent. Energy doesn't die; it only changes form.

Choosing the Middle Way

If you're like most of us, you occasionally (I'll give you the benefit of the doubt) engage in extreme or black and white thinking. In some situations, and for some people, this is fine, or even desirable, but for most of us, amping up an already-dualistic world just leads to trouble.

For example, last week we talked about how blaming and judging other people is usually just an elaborate way of not taking responsibility for our own lives, and how it's impossible to see fault in others that you don't also see in yourself. We project our uneasiness onto others. It's what people do.

This week, I wanted to talk about the middle way, which I bring forth as a general concept, but also is a Buddhist term that implies a balanced (not passive) approach to life, and requires us to regulate our impulses and behavior.

Similarly, in Philosophy, Aristotle's golden mean teaches that "every virtue is a mean between two extremes, each of which is a vice." The classic example is courage, a virtue whose extremes are recklessness (if in excess), and cowardice (if deficient). In Chinese philosophy, Confucius pointed to the same wisdom in his Doctrine of the Mean.

So, what does this "middle way" look like, and how do we regulate our impulses and behavior? This is a big question, with a myriad of answers, but let's look at a few basic recommendations:

1.  Recognize that we humans are emotional, fallible creatures who sometimes behave improperly. When someone makes a mistake, try to cut some slack. It feels better to live and let live.

2.  Avoid all-or-nothing thinking, such as: "Oops, I ate a potato chip, thus blowing my diet. I might as well eat everything within a six block radius, and start over on Monday." You don't have to be perfect. Forgive the infraction and move on.

3.  Notice any drama-producing tendencies you might have, such as: always running late, using provocative language, picking fights, behaving passive-aggressively, being irresponsible with money, dating the wrong people, abusing substances, acting carelessly, etc. Ask yourself if this added drama serves you.

4.  Notice any inherited family-based or culturally-based tendencies you might have that cause you to overreact to certain situations, or overreact in general. Some people/groups are even-tempered, while others are more high-tempered. Regardless, if you want to learn to calm down, there are many methods for doing so.

5.  Whenever you find yourself judging or wanting to slap a label on your experience, ask yourself if that's really necessary. Just because there's traffic or rain or grumpiness, doesn't mean that something's wrong. Accepting real life can be freeing.

This week, I invite you to look for, not necessarily for the high road, but the middle road. If you enjoy the roller coaster ride, then this practice is not for you. But if you'd benefit from having more balance in your life, I think you'll enjoy the relief you get from learning to smooth out the rough edges of your thoughts and feelings.

Blaming You, Blaming Me....How to Break the Cycle

Have you ever been in a scuffle with someone (either face to face or in your head), and then spent the next hour, day, or week ruminating about who is to blame? If you're like me, the guilty party keeps changing, "It's all his fault. It's all my fault. But he did that. But I did that other thing..." It would be comical if it wasn't so painfully immature and upsetting.

The problem with blame is that it's a boomerang. You throw it out there and it comes right back and hits you in the head. Either because you're not taking responsibility for your part of the issue, or because you're directly projecting it onto the other person or group, and then attacking it. There's no peace in that.

The same is true with our judgments: whatever we critique in others is what we reject in ourselves. Again, this causes the need for self-justification, and creates internal conflict.

What to do about it? I have a little trick that always works to break the blame and judgment cycles. It came to me one day when I was in a mood, and was judging everything around me (which, of course led to me feeling crummy about myself). Exhausted, I reached out to the universe and said, "Angels, please help me with this!"

Very soon, a comforting voice said, "Whenever you want to blame or judge someone, imagine yourself saying this to them:"

I forgive you, I forgive me
I honor you, I honor me
I love you, I love me

So I tried it, and it worked like a charm. Why? because blame and judgment really are boomerangs, which means you have to disable the belief that says someone is right and someone is wrong, and go for unity instead. That is, if you want to calm down and see things clearly.

I later realized that the statements were not random affirmations, but were specifically meaningful. First, you have to forgive the other person for annoying you, and forgive yourself for blaming them. Then, you remind yourself that both you and the other person are human beings who deserve proper consideration. And finally, you're ready to stretch yourself a little, and assert that we're all in this together, so we must love each other on some level, regardless of how we feel.

I find that this works even on the most obnoxious of strangers (oops, I think I just made a judgment!) Anyway, this week I invite you to try it out and see what happens. Try to feel the peaceful intention behind the words as you're thinking/saying them. If you do, I think you'll find some relief. And if you don't feel up to saying, "I love you, I love me," then substitute it with, "I accept you, I accept me."

Thanks for stopping by, and have a great week.

Should Failure Really Not Be an Option?

If you saw the film, Apollo 13, you might remember the tense scene where Gene (Ed Harris) responds to the doomed status of the spacecraft and it's astronauts, by saying: "We've never lost an American in space and we're sure as hell not going to lose one on my watch. Failure is not an option!"

And then there was the scene in the film, Avengers, where the attacked Agent Coulson lays dying, and says to the power-hungry Loki, "You're going to lose. It's in your nature....you lack conviction."

Let's face it, it's cooler to possess conviction than to flop around and possibly fail, but is it advisable to need to succeed? To not allow for failures along the way?

Ironically, if you look at the most "successful" people in history, you'll discover that they were the ones who failed over and over again, but never gave up. They might have experienced doubt, frustration, even humiliation, but they kept on truckin' because their objective or life purpose was more important than their pride. They were on a mission.

I remember being in high school and hearing an athletic boy say that while he was good at certain sports, he refused to try new sports that he knew he wouldn't be great at. I remember thinking that that sounded pretty dumb, and that his need to maintain a prideful self-image would surely limit him in life.

But don't most of us do this to some extent? We avoid trying things that might fail. Sometimes this is perfectly reasonable, like when we've flunked out of sixth grade math and decide not to pursue a career in tax accounting. That just makes sense. But when we habitually play it safe because a voice inside us says "failure is not an option" then we've made our world a very small place. Succeeding at "sure-things" is not what we're most proud of on our death beds. 

Failure, in some areas, has to be okay in order to grow and thrive. There are high stake and low stake situations, and it's very appropriate to take risks when the stakes are not high (for instance, when failure has no substantial consequences). But, if you have a big life purpose, you'll probably have to go out on a limb more than the average person, if you want to succeed.

This week, I invite you to listen to your inner guidance that's nudging you to step out of your comfort zone in service of an important goal or purpose. Maybe you need to take a stand or make your ideas known. Maybe you need to approach someone who might reject you. Or maybe you need to seriously consider leaving a job that's not right for you. These actions require boldness, and there's no guarantee that you'll get the outcome you want, but if you don't take action, what will be the result?