Polarity Thinking: from "Either-Or" to "Both-And"

There's been a buzz lately about polarity thinking, the idea that opposites (or sides of an argument) are interdependent, like light and dark, north and south, in and out. These are what I'd call neutral opposites, though, because most of us don't feel the need to place a value judgment on them. We don't get up in arms or write a strongly worded letter when a restaurant serves both hot and cold foods. We accept that that's normal and okay. Diversity and choice are desirable, right? 

But what about the polarity created when you are an animal rights activist, and you find out your new best friend (from Alaska) is a hunter. Suddenly, you're right and she's wrong, and you either have to change her or end the relationship. This is where we (as individuals, relationships, and society) get in trouble. When we're right, the other, by definition, must be wrong. 

Doing justice to the theory of polarity thinking is outside of my scope (trust me, there are charts and graphs and "mapping".......sheesh!) so let's just look at how we can use it to soothe our troubled minds and improve our lives. Here are a few key points:

1. Anything that makes us want to take a stand represents a value, and every value has a necessary opposite here in the 3-D world. Examples: love and hate, good and bad, honest and dishonest. (Note that there are certainly other worlds and dimensions that are not based on duality, but this isn't one of them!) 
2. Polarities are attributes that come in pairs, and extreme valuing of one leads to over-focusing on it's opposite. Examples: love for animals can lead to hate of those who hurt animals, or wanting to do the right thing can lead to obsessing about the wrong thing.
3. The above can lead to wasted time and energy spent swinging back and forth between opposites, and in some cases can cause extreme anxiety, confusion, and self-doubt, "I'm right and he's wrong...no, no, he's right and I'm wrong...!" We've all been there, and it's crazy-making.
4. When we value one thing, we tend to fear it's opposite, so we build up a lot of emotion about that "negative" thing in our psyche, thus drawing it to us. Aack!
5. Interdependent value pairs need each other in order to create the greater purpose they both share. One contributes to, and acts synergistically with, the other. Therefore, banishing one does not help the other reach it's greatest potential. 

What all this means to me is that whenever I take a strong stand in one direction, I am empowering and activating it's opposite, both within my mind and in the world. When I resist and judge the variety of human thoughts, feelings, values, and ways of being, I become confused and upset, because it's never as simple as right and wrong, or good and bad. Either-Or doesn't serve us anymore. Both-And is where evolution is taking us.

So, you can both love and hate your job. You can adore your children and occasionally want to get in your car and drive far, far away. You can argue with someone and both be right, and both be wrong at the same time. It's all relative and fleeting, because everyone might feel differently the next day.   

This week, please join me in taking a Both-And stance where you otherwise would have applied the big Either-Or. See what happens in yourself and in the situation. When you relax and become more accepting, it tends to have a ripple effect on everyone around you.

For more information, check out the following article: Polarity Thinking: Learning to Accept Both Sides of an Argument

Seeking Pleasure or Avoiding Pain: Which is Your Style?

Let's face it, we humans live in a dualistic world that has trained us to watch our backs. Yes, we have the greatest of pleasures (warm sunshine, delicious foods, the love of our families and friends, etc.), but we are also subject to the greatest of pain (disease, violence, aging, and death). And since our ego's job is to keep us safe, it only makes sense that it would be acutely motivated to help us seek out safe or pleasurable experiences, and avoid the painful ones.

You might be thinking that this is certainly true for people who live in war zones or poverty states---real survival situations---but maybe you're beyond that primal kind of thinking. The funny thing is that the pleasure and pain principle applies across the board, from physical to mental to emotional and spiritual. Wherever you are on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, from physical survival to self-actualization, you are motivated by some form of seeking what is pleasant and avoiding what is not.

So now comes the question of how this applies to your situation. Looking over your life, would you say that more of your decisions were based on pursuing outcomes you desired, or avoiding outcomes you dreaded? For instance, if you were unhappy in a job or relationship, how did you respond? Did you try to improve it, leave it, or stay in it and armor yourself against its effects? There's no right answer here, because every situation is different, and we all have individual lessons to learn and karma to burn.

When I look at my life, I can see that I've been motivated by both pleasure and pain, but that I've perhaps erred on the side of avoidance. I sometimes stay in the same place for fear of trying something new that might fail or prove dangerous, and thus lead to pain or regret. Of course, that doesn't take into account the ongoing pain caused by staying in a bad situation! My point: we can benefit from taking a hard look at this issue.

This week, I invite you to take an honest appraisal of your life and your relationship with pleasure and pain. Try to see the nuances implied in these general terms. Pleasure can mean safety, health, comfort, rest, love, having enough to eat, or anything that feels good to you. Pain can mean rejection, abandonment, humiliation, challenges, hostility, illness, or anything that feels bad to you.

Good luck, and have a pleasurable week.

What's Your "Achilles Heel?"

                                   
In Greek mythology, Achilles was a demigod and hero of the Trojan War. When he was a baby, it was foretold that Achilles would die young. To prevent his death, his mother dipped his body into the River Styx, which offered powers of invulnerability. Unfortunately, the heel she held him by was not washed over by the waters, and eventually he was killed by an arrow to the heel.

Today, "Achilles heel" refers to one's unique weakness---that which in spite of overall strength, can lead to our downfall. This might refer to a physical vulnerability, but often refers to a weakness of character or other attribute that can cause us to struggle, suffer, or fail. 

What is your Achilles heel? For many of us, it is fear, which is the hallmark weakness of humanity. Fear of death, fear of loss, fear of failure, abandonment, humiliation, or lack. For some of us, our Achilles heel is low self-esteem, or self-pity, or addiction, or impulsiveness. It can be greed, or aggression, or stubbornness, or pride. Whatever it is, it's an ongoing theme in your life, and it may be pulling you down.

This week, I invite you to consider what your Achilles heel is, or was. (Maybe you've resolved it through therapy, spiritual practice, or other life experience). But if not, now is a great time to take an honest look at what's holding you back from expressing the full impact of who you came here to be. If you need help, by all means seek it. There are resources available for any type of issue you might have.

Good luck, and have a fantastic week.

Why Dieting Doesn't Work

If you're anything like me, you've been on your share of weight loss diets. But if you've been on several diets, it means that none of them really worked, because you gained the weight back, and probably more.

Why do we keep doing something that doesn't work? Because we think our "will" can override our body's natural, primal survival instinct that kicks in whenever it perceives famine (and this happens when we suddenly cut our caloric intake, and/or when we feel deprived of what we really want to eat).

Never has this instinct presented itself more obviously to me than last week when I was on a 7-day cruise. The food was sumptuous and plentiful, and my initial response was to dive right in. I sampled three desserts the first evening.

After two days of being offered food constantly, however, I started getting turned off. By day three, nothing looked appetizing to me. Because it was a "feast" situation, and there was no chance whatsoever of famine, my body and mind naturally became discriminating. I started craving fruits and vegetables, fish, etc., because that's what my body actually desires in order to thrive.

Then something interesting (if annoyingly predictable) happened. On the final morning of the cruise, I suddenly became "hungry" again. I piled my plate with french toast, bacon, eggs, and fruit. And I grabbed a muffin to stick in my purse for later. This was the last meal, after all! I knew the feast was about to come to a screeching halt, so deprivation fears kicked in, if only for the rest of the day.

So this is how it goes. When we perceive deprivation, survival instincts take hold. When we perceive abundance, eventually we calm down.

But what we don't always understand is that humans throughout history have lived in cycles of feast or famine. We may live in a time and place where more food is always around the next corner, but our body genetics don't know that. Our cellular memory gets very nervous when we suddenly cut back on food. Our minds may be clear that we want to be slimmer, but our bodies have more serious concerns to consider.

If you're tired of struggling with your weight, I'd recommend the writings of Geneen Roth or one of the other great authors writing on this subject.

Good luck, and have a beautiful week.

Are You a Strong Finisher?

Have you noticed that some people (often wildly creative people) have great ideas and love to start things, but somewhere during the process of carrying out the inspiration, they get bored, bogged down, or for some other reason, lose interest? The next thing you know, they’ve moved onto another fabulous idea or project. If you’ve ever lived with someone like this, you know that this lack of follow-through can be a smidge irritating.

Then there are closers or finishers. These folks may or may not be super-creative, and they may or may not be fired up when they start a new project, but boy do they know how to finish. These are the athletes who score the goals or take first place, and the sales people who don’t let up until the the deal is signed.

Personally, I’ve always been the former, the “artist” who couldn’t wait to create my next masterpiece, but would peter out when it was 95% complete. Or I’d have several creative projects going at once. When one lost its excitement, I’d move onto something else. And then there are all those half-read books. I even wash most of the dishes, leaving the boring ones for later. (And believe me when I tell you that I’m even less inspired to wash them the next day!)

Of course, we’re not necessarily one or the other. For instance, when I complained to my sister about not being a closer (she happens to be a very successful one), she argued, “What are you talking about?” and went on to list my achievements. She was right, I have completed many goals, some of them quite substantial, so why do I leave two baseboards unpainted in my otherwise beautifully redecorated family room?

If you are a finisher, I applaud you, because it’s so easy to get distracted in this world, or to fall prey to what my friend, Z Egloff, calls BSO’s (bright shiny objects). There’s always something competing for our attention. There’s always something more interesting to think about than those last two baseboards...

I’m sure there are deeper issues at hand here for some of us who quit or move on prematurely, but, frankly, my interest in this subject is starting to wane…..so please join me this week in noticing where you follow through in your life, and where you don't.

For instance, when someone pays me to complete a task, I always do it in a timely, complete, and conscientious manner-----not because of the money, but because I made an agreement with another person. I don’t always follow through, though, on agreements I’ve made with myself, which is obviously something to look at.

So what about you? Is this issue a problem in any part of your life? Do you see patterns of failing to follow through in your work life, creative life, relationship with yourself, or relationships with others?

Are You a Highly Sensitive Person?

Last week, I had the opportunity to meet Elaine Aron, Ph.D, author of the groundbreaking bestseller, The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You. This meeting came about because a mutual friend of ours asked me to be interviewed for a documentary on HSPs (highly sensitive people). Ironically, the situation was totally overwhelming to me!

But what does it mean to be a highly sensitive person? According to Aron's research, HSPs make up the 15-20 percent of the population who have especially sensitive nervous systems. This is a neutral trait, which means it's biological and that it's neither good nor bad. A few common characteristics of HSPs include the following:

• are aware of subtleties in their environment
• are effected by other people's moods
• need alone time/quiet time each day
• are easily overwhelmed by bright lights, strong smells, loud noises, coarse fabrics, etc.
• have a rich, complex inner life
• are easily startled 
• avoid violent movies or TV shows
• become overstimulated by too much activity around them
• have a strong reaction to physical hunger
• enjoy fine scents, tastes, sounds, or works of art
• become nervous when being observed performing a task
• were labeled shy or sensitive by teachers or parents 
• may find new or unfamiliar experiences uncomfortable

Being a highly sensitive person can truly be a gift---many of the most positively influential people in history have been HSPs, but this trait requires us to take especially good care of ourselves. Ideally HSPs can strike the proper balance between protecting themselves from overwhelm and fully engaging in life. If you'd like to learn more, please check out the highly regarded work of Dr. Elaine Aron.

What's Your Relationship with Power?

When I was a teenager, my uncle (a bold and confident school superintendent), asked me about my relationship with power. He said that most people had issues with personal power. I replied, "I don't have an issue with power----I don't have any power." I wasn't joking. I sincerely didn't think that perceiving oneself as powerless constituted an issue.

Many years later, after having multiple life experiences that left me feeling angry and taken advantage of, I realized that I had a problem with power. I'd been a nice girl who had grown into a nice woman, but I didn't know how to be assertive, say no without feeling guilty, or extricate myself from bad situations. I would stay in a ridiculous relationship or job until it came crashing down around me like a crumbling building. I didn't know how to walk away---all I knew to do was sabotage the situation until it went away.

When I think of personal power, three words come to mind:  passive, assertive, and aggressive. There are other ways to think of power, but these three styles of relating do a good job of summing things up.

1.   When we're passive, we wait for things to happen because we don't know how to pursue what we want in a direct way, or because we believe we will be punished if we do. Often passive people don't know what they want, and/or have grown up under the thumb of an aggressive parent or other authority figure who stifled their natural assertiveness. (Note that when passive people get tired of not getting their needs met, they may become manipulative or lash out by behaving passive-aggressively.)

2.   Aggressive means that we believe we can only get what we want by overpowering others. Aggressive people have control issues, and believe that if they don't control life, life will control them.

3.   Assertive means that we clearly state our wants or needs so that they are known, but we don't use our power to control others. Genuinely assertive people respect their own rights and those of others. (Note that many aggressive people see themselves as assertive, even when bullying and manipulating others).

So where do you fit in? Personally, I've run the gamut from timid and quiet as a church mouse, to fierce and ruthless as a tiger. I've perfected passive aggression (which makes me cringe to admit), and I'm no stranger to emotional strategy and manipulation. Yes, dear uncle, I've known power issues!

This week, please join me in working toward that "happy place" called assertiveness. If you don't know what you want or how you feel, find out. If you need something, ask for it in a direct and respectful way. If you're in a bad situation, know that you have the right to change it or leave it. And if you've been guilty of overpowering others, get in touch with what that's about, and work on changing your ways.

Good luck, and have a great week.