If Your Life Had a Theme, What Would it Be?

Do you ever gaze at the nighttime sky and contemplate the vastness of the universe and time? If so, you've probably realized how fleeting our little (but important) life experiences are in the grand scheme of things. And just as weekends and vacations can provide much needed distance from our work-a-day dramas, so can a conscious act of stepping back from our lives help to provide valuable perspective and direction.

There's a fascinating book by hypnotherapist Robert Schwartz, called Your Soul's Gift: The Healing Power of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born. This (as well as Schwartz's first book) contains case studies of clients with current-life challenges involving poverty, disability, adoption, violent crime, etc., and discusses how and why these life events are planned by the souls involved for the purpose of learning specific lessons, some of which are excruciatingly difficult. Dealing with these issues sets the stage for major life themes, and this occurs within the context of a multi-life journey of intense learning and growth. (Note: the earth experience is not for the faint-hearted!)

You may or may not believe in reincarnation or pre-birth planning (I know these concepts may seem foreign or even outrageous to some), but the idea that every human life has an overall theme that we can use as a handle for growth and personal progress is worth looking at.

What is the Theme of Your Life?

If you were to step back from your life and view it from the time you were born, through all the meaningful relationships, events, and emotional content, up until today, what words would you use to describe the major themes of your life? What have you struggled with repeatedly:  loss, guilt, abandonment, failure, rage, low self-esteem, addiction, lack, depression?  What about the positives:  safety, abundance, love, health, humor, success, friendship, emotional balance, ease?

Now, take that list of words and pare it down even further. If your life were a novel or a play, what would the storyline be? You might even try scribbling a few sentences and see which one fits best, such as, "This is the story of a nervous little girl who, through repeated trials, grew up to become a strong and courageous woman." Or, "This is a story about a sickly boy who wanted more than anything to be an athlete, and how he came to be a teacher and model of health and fitness."

If your story doesn't have a successful-sounding ending, don't worry---it just means that it's not over yet! It never really is, because as long as we're souls on a journey, we're learning and growing. If you can identify a theme (there may be more than one) and see progress of any kind, you're doing fine. If you can't see a theme or detect progress, then you might benefit from talking to a wise friend, therapist, or life coach who can help you gain clarity and connect with your inner guidance.

Women, Purpose, and Self-Doubt

Last week, we talked about the unusually high occurrence of deaths, sudden illnesses, and divorces lately, and how many of us are either grieving a direct loss or tapping into a mass consciousness of loss. This week, I wanted to address a similar---and probably related---phenomenon I've noticed among women.

I've been speaking with women of various ages lately, and virtually all of them have expressed a sense of being "lost" and/or feeling that they are not fulfilling their life purpose/goals. They say that they're spread too thin and are disappointed with themselves for not being able to manage more. There's been a slightly or moderately depressed feeling among most of these women, even the ones who are usually very upbeat.

What is going on? Why, after all the good work we've done, do we feel discouraged and defeated? Why the subtle attack on our self worth? Why do we feel a loss of purpose?

I've been contemplating these questions, and even though I can't spell out why this is up right now, I do get a strong sense that we're all in a process of huge transition, that there are changes going on in the world/universe that are pushing us out of the old ways and into something new. I believe we are grieving and reassessing virtually everything, and that's bound to throw us off balance, and cause doubts and growing pains.

The message I'm getting, loud and clear, is that we (women, especially, but also men) need to be extra patient and kind with ourselves and each other right now, and find a way to appreciate who we are and what we've already accomplished.

I believe we would benefit most by allowing for a period of uncertainty, without judgment or pressure to perform or make tangible progress. You might think of this as a gestation period---a time when your most important tasks are to rest as much as possible, nurture yourself, and make space for that which is yet to come.

Accepting Change and Loss

We live in an time of tremendous---and sometimes turbulent---change. In fact, many of us believe that one major era is ending while another is beginning. As an empath (someone who is acutely sensitive to the energies of people, places, etc.) I have found that the last year or so has brought about so much upheaval (sudden illnesses, deaths, divorces, tragedies, extreme emotions and reactions), that I am forced to see life differently---as much more transient---than I did before.

Unwelcome change can be difficult, and there are two primary ways of dealing with it. We can either try to accept the change as an inevitable part of human life (and as something with potential meaning beyond what our rational minds can comprehend), or we can do what our ego likes to do and resist anything it doesn't like. Neither path is particularly easy, but one offers freedom, peace, and new possibilities, while the other holds us captive until we are forced to accept the change.

Of course, the grief that comes with great loss follows the beat of its own drummer, and it is quite normal for a person to go through various stages of emotional resistance before acceptance can be found. Suffering a loss of great magnitude can take time and focused intention to heal.

If you or someone you know is experiencing a difficult life change, I encourage you to seek help and assistance in working through the feelings, if necessary, so you don't get stuck in resistance and grief. Time does heal, but only if one's mind allows it.

Straightening Your Leaning Tower

Last week we talked about feeling overwhelmed by life's seeming demands. This week I wanted to confront---gently, of course---the part of our mind that throws us off balance and prevents us from achieving the happiness and success we crave.

You may or may not be a procrastinator, I don't know, but my guess is that there are aspects of your life you avoid, whether they be of a thinking, feeling, or doing nature. The reality is that we humans are thinking/feeling/doing creatures, and if we don't maintain some semblance of balance, we can really be thrown off kilter.

For instance, some of us get immobilized by over-thinking or over-feeling, which can lead to stress, financial issues, illness, etc. Others are impulsive or compulsive doers who avoid thinking about or feeling certain things, as if this habit can effectively starve "negatives" out. That usually doesn't work so well either.

There are other variations on this theme, but suffice it to say that avoiding any major aspect of our life or psyche can get us in a heap of trouble. Despite pop-psychology and -metaphysics (which are often misunderstood), it's very difficult to improve your situation by relying on what amounts to avoidance techniques. (Especially if a monster is already living under your bed!)

What to do about it? Awareness and willingness to see what's really going on and make adjustments, I believe, are the most important factors in remedying the imbalance. Whether you're an over-thinker/under-doer, an over-doer/under-feeler, or some other configuration, it's important to consider that you might have more success or be happier if you shift some of your energy away from the "over" and toward the "under."

Some examples:

• If being in your head most of the time is causing issues, consider making more time to exercise your body, read a tear-jerker, be with less-intellectual friends, etc. 
• If you're always on the go and getting things done, replace a couple items on your to-do list with meditation, extra sleep, or enjoying silly-time with your child. 
• If you're an emotional empath or suffer from over-feeling, you might try immersing yourself in a home improvement project or other productive task, going for a vigorous hike, or watching a fascinating documentary.                                                                                                                                              

The key to bringing balance to a lop-sided situation is to first see it for what it is, and then make meaningful changes. Just because you, your family, gender, culture, ethnic group, etc., have always been a certain way doesn't mean you can't shift, if balance demands it. Otherwise you're likely to keep leaning and leaning until something comes crashing down. And you don't want that.

Is Overwhelm the New Normal?

Over spring break I had the opportunity to spend two weeks with my family in Florida, relaxing and being away from our usual commitments, emails, and "stuff." All we had to manage were a couple of suitcases, a rental car, and our fried food intake. Our only responsibility was to make sure our kids didn't get irreparably sunburned or eat too much key lime pie. Life was good, and upon returning I felt rested and refreshed.

When I arrived home, however, I noticed that weeds had taken over the front and back yards. Right away, my husband noticed the two hefty bags of clothes my generous and fashionable sister had given me (I never tire of hand-me-downs!) I'd left them sitting in the hallway for four weeks, on top of the clothes hamper, which meant my kids didn't have any place to put their dirty laundry. (I could go on, but you get the picture).

Being acutely observant, I noticed the difference between my normal life and being on vacation, and I felt overwhelmed. I thought of my organized Virgo friends, which only made me feel worse, because for all my fine qualities, house keeping, record keeping, and general maintenance had never been my strong suits.

So I spent some time pondering the overwhelm, and realized a few important things:

1. The new "normal" is for most of us to feel a little overwhelmed by life. We live in an amped-up, down-sized, multitasking, social networking, age of too much information, distraction, stimulation, and activities. (Add to that school-aged children and aging parents, and there's no way around all the action and responsibilities). We need to learn new ways of coping.

2.  Our human nervous systems are not wired for this much input, so we spend way too much time in "fight or flight" mode (which used to be reserved for crisis situations). So, the more sensitive and/or high-strung we are, the more we have to consciously build into our days restorative time (for exercise, meditation, extra sleep, etc.).

3.  It is of critical importance that we prioritize tasks, and not see them all as equal (or even necessary). This is where making a list can really help. Writing down everything that you believe needs to be done and then determining what is most important for today or this week, can organize your thoughts and bring about great relief. Even if you're behind on everything, chances are you can work out a reasonable schedule for getting things done.

4.  Simplify, simplify, simplify! Do your kids really need to participate in five extracurricular activities and then fall into bed exhausted every night? Do you or your spouse commute two to three hours a day so that you can have a bigger house, nicer car, and high blood pressure? It might be time to consider ways in which you can take some of the unnecessary stress out of your family's lives.

5.  It's okay to give yourself a break. You don't have to be an over-achiever. Just because you intended to keep your photo albums up to date doesn't mean you have to follow through, especially if it's stressing you out. The way I see it, that's what the golden years are for!

This week, if you're feeling at all overwhelmed, I ask you to take a few minutes to step back and reevaluate your life, your priorities, and your current values. You might find that decisions and commitments you made in the past are no longer serving you, or that your current needs are not being adequately addressed.

Beyond the Myth of "Happily Ever After"

Most of us have had the experience of becoming infatuated with another human being. It may be a lover or soul mate, an infant or child, a friend, teacher, celebrity, stranger (or even a pet). We feel an intense connection to this person that seems bigger than life. There's a magic that feels dreamy and otherworldly. In these moments we're transformed, and we believe we will never suffer from loneliness or the ordinary again.

But eventually that feeling fades, and we fall back down to earth. It's not a bad thing, but it's not very magical-feeling either, and it can be intensely disconcerting.

In her book, Gift from the Sea (1955), Anne Morrow Lindbergh discusses the seasons of love, and how we humans tend to get attached to the first, romanticized  phase of a relationship (spring), and almost inevitably feel a sense of failure and grief when the relationship changes (and moves on to summer). It is at this point that many relationships end or take a difficult turn.

Lindbergh suggests that the problem lies in our expectation and desire to experience that exclusive, "being loved alone," feeling continuously and permanently (which is what the "happily ever after" myth promises). It's not that true love isn't continuous, but that those one-and-only moments are not continuous, but are instead intermittent.

Lindbergh writes, "One comes in the end to realize that there is no permanent pure-relationship and there should not be. It is not even something to be desired. The pure relationship is limited, in space and time. In essence it implies exclusion. It excludes the rest of life, other relationships, other sides of personality, other responsibilities, other possibilities in the future. It excludes growth. The other children are there clamoring outside the closed nursery door. One loves them too. The telephone rings in the next room. One also wants to talk to friends......Life must go on."

What if we didn't get fooled by the "happily ever after," and accepted that life and relationships are ever-changing? What if we enjoyed the one-and-only moments fully and didn't cling to them or let them go by unnoticed? My guess is that there would be a lot more magic and joy in our daily lives.

Do You Wrestle with Struggle?

Last week I had the realization that most of our problems---past and present, large and small---are the result of humanity's tendency to struggle. Of course this is understandable, given the whole survival drama, but I can't help noticing that even when we're safe, well-fed, and physically comfortable, most of us still struggle as if we're sumo wrestlers. We argue with reality, defend our opinions, fight nature, resist aging, battle with food, wage war on illness, protest perceived injustices, reject love (....and then chase rejection!) Many of us constantly do things the hard way, and then complain about how difficult life is.

Inner and Outer Conflict

I know you are not neurotic, but you might know someone who is :) I think of neurosis as being a constant struggle with the self: phobias, self-doubt, resentments, guilt, shame, self-punishment, perpetual tip-toeing, and always compensating for not being perfect. This is one of the worst kinds of struggle there is because it is self-imposed, and the battleground lies within.

Then there's the warrior mentality---the one who feels compelled to fight and control everything outside of his/her personal sphere.

But whether the battle is within or without, the struggle can be an exhausting waste of precious energy, and can be addictive.

What to do?

If you meditate regularly, are mellow by nature, or have succeeded in your efforts to conquer your demons and find inner peace, I commend you, because this is no small feat. If, on the other hand, you still battle with struggle, I suggest the following:

1.   Face the realities of the human condition:  everybody makes mistakes, there's very little you can actually control, aging is normal, life can be unfair, people you love are going to die, and eventually so will you. (Sorry to be blunt, but fighting reality is a losing proposition).

2.   Try to adopt a stance of non-defensiveness. The bigger your ego, the more energy you are likely to put into validating and defending yourself and pursuading others that your ideas are right.

3.   Challenge the puritan belief that says you have to work word and struggle for what you want and need, or that there are limited opportunities for success. If you look around you'll see that some people naturally manifest everything they need with ease and grace. You can too, especially if you get in the flow.

4.   Forgiveness and acceptance are spiritual practices that can really take the edge off the tyranny of our egos. Fighting the form that life is taking and holding onto grudges only hurts you. Work for change if you like, but by accepting life and forgiving yourself and others whenever possible, you can find your inner calm.

Take good care, and have a peaceful week.