The Purposeful Pause

Today I was on a call with Tim Kelley and Chris Taylor of the True Purpose Institute. The topic was the "purposeful pause," something we all need, but many of us fail to do properly.

What is this exactly? A purposeful pause is a moment or breath or pleasurable activity we consciously do to take care of ourselves. It could even represent a long period of rest, recuperation, or reflection, following a difficult life experience or transition.

Of course there are all kinds of things we unconsciously do to catch a break, like zone out in front of the television for hours, play computer games, overeat, oversleep, smoke, drink, gamble, etc., but these are better examples of escapism than purposeful moments of self-nurturing.

Why do we do it?

We modern Americans (and others) have gotten into the unhealthy habit of running ourselves into the ground and then zoning out, behaving compulsively, or getting sick. So many of us race around like chickens with our heads cut off, saying things like, "It's been crazy lately!" We've come to equate "busy" with important or hardworking or loyal. We pack in too many tasks and activities, and forget to stop and smell the roses.

What we don't always understand is that this mindset is ultimately less productive, less satisfying, and less dignified than slowing down and taking a more balanced and conscious approach to our lives and our well-being. If you've ever suffered from a stress-related illness or injury, you know how important it is to find a better way of managing your life.

This week, I invite you to consider what your purposeful pauses are, or could be. Maybe you're already enjoying a regular exercise program that makes you feel great, or taking time to stop and take deep, restorative breaths several times a day. Maybe allowing for an occasional nap or planning a weekly nature walk would improve your health and increase your productivity. Even doing consciously something that you usually do unconsciously can transform it into a healthy and purposeful pause.

Good luck, and have a great week.

Are Your Emotional Patterns Limiting You?

Do you know someone who is chronically angry, or depressed, or anxious, or hopeless? What about someone who is consistently calm, or optimistic, or content, or happy? Have you noticed that these people have patterns of thought and feeling that maintain and reinforce their "go-to" states?

The funny thing is that our habitual mental and emotional states have very little to do with our actual life experiences. We've all known people who "have it all" and are miserable, as well as people who don't have a pot to pee in but spend their days praising God and spreading joy to others. Our happiness or sadness is less about what's going on in front of us, and more about what's going on inside of us. What's depressing to you might be neutral, or even desirable to someone else, and what feels good to you might be poison to another.

The other day I heard Tony Robbins talk about the rituals we have set up in our minds that drop us into our habitual emotional states. A ritual is made up of a series of interpretations and reactions that build on each other and lead us to the commonly felt emotion.

As an example, let's say you're chronically frustrated. If you were able to slow down and track the progression of thoughts and emotions that led up to feeling frustrated, you'd see that the situations themselves are not inherently frustrating---it's what your mind does automatically that causes you to interpret them that way.

The ritual might go something like this:
1.  I'm driving to work
2.  I expect no traffic
3.  The cars ahead of me slow down
4   I say to myself, "This isn't supposed to happen!"
5.  I think about how I allowed enough time, but now I'll be late
6.  I dwell on how much I dislike commuting
7.  I resent that my friends don't have to commute
8.  I wonder why my life is more difficult than everybody else's
9.  I feel frustrated!!!

The above probably happened in the same amount of time it took for the driver behind him to apply her brakes. And her process looked like this:
1. I'm driving to work
2. I notice that it's a gorgeous day
3. The cars ahead of me slow down
4. I slow down, and put on my favorite CD
5. I say to myself, "Wow, it's such a gorgeous day!"

My point? Your thoughts and feelings aren't objective reality, and your habitual thoughts and feelings are the result of the cognitive rituals you perform over and over again that create familiar grooves in your brain. This is true for your positive states as well as your negative ones.

If you want to transform a pattern, you have to interrupt the ritual and change it into something better. This might sound impossible, but it can be achieved through awareness and intention, and possibly some outside assistance.

This week, I invite you look at the thoughts and emotional states you experience on a regular basis. Congratulate yourself for the ones that serve you, and investigate and change the rituals behind those that do not.

Good luck, and have a great week.

Polarity Thinking: from "Either-Or" to "Both-And"

There's been a buzz lately about polarity thinking, the idea that opposites (or sides of an argument) are interdependent, like light and dark, north and south, in and out. These are what I'd call neutral opposites, though, because most of us don't feel the need to place a value judgment on them. We don't get up in arms or write a strongly worded letter when a restaurant serves both hot and cold foods. We accept that that's normal and okay. Diversity and choice are desirable, right? 

But what about the polarity created when you are an animal rights activist, and you find out your new best friend (from Alaska) is a hunter. Suddenly, you're right and she's wrong, and you either have to change her or end the relationship. This is where we (as individuals, relationships, and society) get in trouble. When we're right, the other, by definition, must be wrong. 

Doing justice to the theory of polarity thinking is outside of my scope (trust me, there are charts and graphs and "mapping".......sheesh!) so let's just look at how we can use it to soothe our troubled minds and improve our lives. Here are a few key points:

1. Anything that makes us want to take a stand represents a value, and every value has a necessary opposite here in the 3-D world. Examples: love and hate, good and bad, honest and dishonest. (Note that there are certainly other worlds and dimensions that are not based on duality, but this isn't one of them!) 
2. Polarities are attributes that come in pairs, and extreme valuing of one leads to over-focusing on it's opposite. Examples: love for animals can lead to hate of those who hurt animals, or wanting to do the right thing can lead to obsessing about the wrong thing.
3. The above can lead to wasted time and energy spent swinging back and forth between opposites, and in some cases can cause extreme anxiety, confusion, and self-doubt, "I'm right and he's wrong...no, no, he's right and I'm wrong...!" We've all been there, and it's crazy-making.
4. When we value one thing, we tend to fear it's opposite, so we build up a lot of emotion about that "negative" thing in our psyche, thus drawing it to us. Aack!
5. Interdependent value pairs need each other in order to create the greater purpose they both share. One contributes to, and acts synergistically with, the other. Therefore, banishing one does not help the other reach it's greatest potential. 

What all this means to me is that whenever I take a strong stand in one direction, I am empowering and activating it's opposite, both within my mind and in the world. When I resist and judge the variety of human thoughts, feelings, values, and ways of being, I become confused and upset, because it's never as simple as right and wrong, or good and bad. Either-Or doesn't serve us anymore. Both-And is where evolution is taking us.

So, you can both love and hate your job. You can adore your children and occasionally want to get in your car and drive far, far away. You can argue with someone and both be right, and both be wrong at the same time. It's all relative and fleeting, because everyone might feel differently the next day.   

This week, please join me in taking a Both-And stance where you otherwise would have applied the big Either-Or. See what happens in yourself and in the situation. When you relax and become more accepting, it tends to have a ripple effect on everyone around you.

For more information, check out the following article: Polarity Thinking: Learning to Accept Both Sides of an Argument

Seeking Pleasure or Avoiding Pain: Which is Your Style?

Let's face it, we humans live in a dualistic world that has trained us to watch our backs. Yes, we have the greatest of pleasures (warm sunshine, delicious foods, the love of our families and friends, etc.), but we are also subject to the greatest of pain (disease, violence, aging, and death). And since our ego's job is to keep us safe, it only makes sense that it would be acutely motivated to help us seek out safe or pleasurable experiences, and avoid the painful ones.

You might be thinking that this is certainly true for people who live in war zones or poverty states---real survival situations---but maybe you're beyond that primal kind of thinking. The funny thing is that the pleasure and pain principle applies across the board, from physical to mental to emotional and spiritual. Wherever you are on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, from physical survival to self-actualization, you are motivated by some form of seeking what is pleasant and avoiding what is not.

So now comes the question of how this applies to your situation. Looking over your life, would you say that more of your decisions were based on pursuing outcomes you desired, or avoiding outcomes you dreaded? For instance, if you were unhappy in a job or relationship, how did you respond? Did you try to improve it, leave it, or stay in it and armor yourself against its effects? There's no right answer here, because every situation is different, and we all have individual lessons to learn and karma to burn.

When I look at my life, I can see that I've been motivated by both pleasure and pain, but that I've perhaps erred on the side of avoidance. I sometimes stay in the same place for fear of trying something new that might fail or prove dangerous, and thus lead to pain or regret. Of course, that doesn't take into account the ongoing pain caused by staying in a bad situation! My point: we can benefit from taking a hard look at this issue.

This week, I invite you to take an honest appraisal of your life and your relationship with pleasure and pain. Try to see the nuances implied in these general terms. Pleasure can mean safety, health, comfort, rest, love, having enough to eat, or anything that feels good to you. Pain can mean rejection, abandonment, humiliation, challenges, hostility, illness, or anything that feels bad to you.

Good luck, and have a pleasurable week.

What's Your "Achilles Heel?"

                                   
In Greek mythology, Achilles was a demigod and hero of the Trojan War. When he was a baby, it was foretold that Achilles would die young. To prevent his death, his mother dipped his body into the River Styx, which offered powers of invulnerability. Unfortunately, the heel she held him by was not washed over by the waters, and eventually he was killed by an arrow to the heel.

Today, "Achilles heel" refers to one's unique weakness---that which in spite of overall strength, can lead to our downfall. This might refer to a physical vulnerability, but often refers to a weakness of character or other attribute that can cause us to struggle, suffer, or fail. 

What is your Achilles heel? For many of us, it is fear, which is the hallmark weakness of humanity. Fear of death, fear of loss, fear of failure, abandonment, humiliation, or lack. For some of us, our Achilles heel is low self-esteem, or self-pity, or addiction, or impulsiveness. It can be greed, or aggression, or stubbornness, or pride. Whatever it is, it's an ongoing theme in your life, and it may be pulling you down.

This week, I invite you to consider what your Achilles heel is, or was. (Maybe you've resolved it through therapy, spiritual practice, or other life experience). But if not, now is a great time to take an honest look at what's holding you back from expressing the full impact of who you came here to be. If you need help, by all means seek it. There are resources available for any type of issue you might have.

Good luck, and have a fantastic week.

Why Dieting Doesn't Work

If you're anything like me, you've been on your share of weight loss diets. But if you've been on several diets, it means that none of them really worked, because you gained the weight back, and probably more.

Why do we keep doing something that doesn't work? Because we think our "will" can override our body's natural, primal survival instinct that kicks in whenever it perceives famine (and this happens when we suddenly cut our caloric intake, and/or when we feel deprived of what we really want to eat).

Never has this instinct presented itself more obviously to me than last week when I was on a 7-day cruise. The food was sumptuous and plentiful, and my initial response was to dive right in. I sampled three desserts the first evening.

After two days of being offered food constantly, however, I started getting turned off. By day three, nothing looked appetizing to me. Because it was a "feast" situation, and there was no chance whatsoever of famine, my body and mind naturally became discriminating. I started craving fruits and vegetables, fish, etc., because that's what my body actually desires in order to thrive.

Then something interesting (if annoyingly predictable) happened. On the final morning of the cruise, I suddenly became "hungry" again. I piled my plate with french toast, bacon, eggs, and fruit. And I grabbed a muffin to stick in my purse for later. This was the last meal, after all! I knew the feast was about to come to a screeching halt, so deprivation fears kicked in, if only for the rest of the day.

So this is how it goes. When we perceive deprivation, survival instincts take hold. When we perceive abundance, eventually we calm down.

But what we don't always understand is that humans throughout history have lived in cycles of feast or famine. We may live in a time and place where more food is always around the next corner, but our body genetics don't know that. Our cellular memory gets very nervous when we suddenly cut back on food. Our minds may be clear that we want to be slimmer, but our bodies have more serious concerns to consider.

If you're tired of struggling with your weight, I'd recommend the writings of Geneen Roth or one of the other great authors writing on this subject.

Good luck, and have a beautiful week.

Are You a Strong Finisher?

Have you noticed that some people (often wildly creative people) have great ideas and love to start things, but somewhere during the process of carrying out the inspiration, they get bored, bogged down, or for some other reason, lose interest? The next thing you know, they’ve moved onto another fabulous idea or project. If you’ve ever lived with someone like this, you know that this lack of follow-through can be a smidge irritating.

Then there are closers or finishers. These folks may or may not be super-creative, and they may or may not be fired up when they start a new project, but boy do they know how to finish. These are the athletes who score the goals or take first place, and the sales people who don’t let up until the the deal is signed.

Personally, I’ve always been the former, the “artist” who couldn’t wait to create my next masterpiece, but would peter out when it was 95% complete. Or I’d have several creative projects going at once. When one lost its excitement, I’d move onto something else. And then there are all those half-read books. I even wash most of the dishes, leaving the boring ones for later. (And believe me when I tell you that I’m even less inspired to wash them the next day!)

Of course, we’re not necessarily one or the other. For instance, when I complained to my sister about not being a closer (she happens to be a very successful one), she argued, “What are you talking about?” and went on to list my achievements. She was right, I have completed many goals, some of them quite substantial, so why do I leave two baseboards unpainted in my otherwise beautifully redecorated family room?

If you are a finisher, I applaud you, because it’s so easy to get distracted in this world, or to fall prey to what my friend, Z Egloff, calls BSO’s (bright shiny objects). There’s always something competing for our attention. There’s always something more interesting to think about than those last two baseboards...

I’m sure there are deeper issues at hand here for some of us who quit or move on prematurely, but, frankly, my interest in this subject is starting to wane…..so please join me this week in noticing where you follow through in your life, and where you don't.

For instance, when someone pays me to complete a task, I always do it in a timely, complete, and conscientious manner-----not because of the money, but because I made an agreement with another person. I don’t always follow through, though, on agreements I’ve made with myself, which is obviously something to look at.

So what about you? Is this issue a problem in any part of your life? Do you see patterns of failing to follow through in your work life, creative life, relationship with yourself, or relationships with others?