Last week,
we talked about our human tendency to get stuck in patterns of doing the same
old things over and over again even when they obviously don’t work, such as reenacting
the same infuriating argument with our partner (for the hundredth time), or
nagging our kids incessantly, even when it’s obvious that they've long since
tuned us out.
This week, I
wanted to discuss how, exactly, we might be more successful in communicating
what we want and need, and effecting positive changes in our important
relationships. The great classic book, The
Dance of Anger, by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D, outlines the do's and don’ts of
addressing problems with other people. Many of the following tips will be
familiar to you, but I've found this list to be extremely helpful in getting me
back on track when my communications have gone astray. I hope you find it
helpful too.
1. Do speak up when an issue is
important to you.
Sometimes simply letting something go is an act of maturity, but you “de-self” yourself when you fail to take a stand on issues that really matter to you.
2. Don’t strike when the iron is hot. Fighting is not always a bad thing, but when communication has become a destructive pattern, it becomes important not to initiate a conversation when you’re feeling angry or upset.
3. Do take time to think about the
problem and to clarify your position. Before you speak out, ask yourself questions such as, “what
is it about this situation that upsets me?” “what is the underlying issue here?
“what exactly do I want to change?’
“what are my limits and boundaries regarding this issue?”
4. Don’t use “below the belt” tactics. These include: put downs,
condescension, sarcasm, blaming, guilt-tripping, diagnosing or analyzing the other person, moralizing, interrogating, ridiculing, ambushing, manipulating, threatening, or other war tactics.
5. Do speak in “I” statements:
I think, I feel, I want, I’m afraid, I have an issue, etc., but avoid
disguised, pseudo “I” statements such as, “I feel like you're being a jerk
right now!”
6. Don’t make vague requests. Be specific so that the other person doesn't have to read your mind to know what you want or need.
7. Do try to appreciate that people are
different. Different ways of thinking and
behaving don’t necessarily mean that one person is right (you) and the other
person is wrong (him).
8. Don’t participate in intellectual
arguments that go nowhere. Trying to convince others of your rightness or their wrongness is a waste
of time. Instead try saying something like, “It might sound crazy to you, but
this is how I feel.”
9. Do recognize that every person is
responsible for his or her own behavior. If you’re blaming your friend’s new boyfriend because
you never see your friend anymore, it’s time to have a conversation with your friend.
10.
Don’t tell another person what she thinks
or feels, or what she should think or
feel. You can only know what you think and feel, and sometimes that’s not even possible.
11.
Do try to avoid speaking through a
third party. If
you’re angry about someone’s behavior, own
it by saying “I’m upset about...,” instead of, “you hurt my daughter’s
feelings when you...”
12.
Don’t expect change to come from “hit
and run” confrontations. Change occurs over time, and we have to be willing to hang in there and
work with people if we want to see positive changes in an important
relationship.
