Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Blaming You, Blaming Me....How to Break the Cycle

Have you ever been in a scuffle with someone (either face to face or in your head), and then spent the next hour, day, or week ruminating about who is to blame? If you're like me, the guilty party keeps changing, "It's all his fault. It's all my fault. But he did that. But I did that other thing..." It would be comical if it wasn't so painfully immature and upsetting.

The problem with blame is that it's a boomerang. You throw it out there and it comes right back and hits you in the head. Either because you're not taking responsibility for your part of the issue, or because you're directly projecting it onto the other person or group, and then attacking it. There's no peace in that.

The same is true with our judgments: whatever we critique in others is what we reject in ourselves. Again, this causes the need for self-justification, and creates internal conflict.

What to do about it? I have a little trick that always works to break the blame and judgment cycles. It came to me one day when I was in a mood, and was judging everything around me (which, of course led to me feeling crummy about myself). Exhausted, I reached out to the universe and said, "Angels, please help me with this!"

Very soon, a comforting voice said, "Whenever you want to blame or judge someone, imagine yourself saying this to them:"

I forgive you, I forgive me
I honor you, I honor me
I love you, I love me

So I tried it, and it worked like a charm. Why? because blame and judgment really are boomerangs, which means you have to disable the belief that says someone is right and someone is wrong, and go for unity instead. That is, if you want to calm down and see things clearly.

I later realized that the statements were not random affirmations, but were specifically meaningful. First, you have to forgive the other person for annoying you, and forgive yourself for blaming them. Then, you remind yourself that both you and the other person are human beings who deserve proper consideration. And finally, you're ready to stretch yourself a little, and assert that we're all in this together, so we must love each other on some level, regardless of how we feel.

I find that this works even on the most obnoxious of strangers (oops, I think I just made a judgment!) Anyway, this week I invite you to try it out and see what happens. Try to feel the peaceful intention behind the words as you're thinking/saying them. If you do, I think you'll find some relief. And if you don't feel up to saying, "I love you, I love me," then substitute it with, "I accept you, I accept me."

Thanks for stopping by, and have a great week.