2014: The Calm After the Storm?

2013 was a stormy year for many people. We thought we were out of the woods when 2012 came and went and we were still here. The planet was intact. No global catastrophe ended life as we know it. 2013 felt like a breath of fresh air.......for a few weeks, anyway.

Then, some cosmic shift seemed to occur. People started experiencing more symptoms; relationships and careers began breaking down; unhealed emotional material from the past came bubbling to the surface. It was as if whatever had been buried, denied, or unhealed for generations had no choice but to make itself known. Something awoke the sleeping dragon.

Can you relate to this? I certainly can, (I'm still recovering from 2013), and yet I can't help but believe in the wisdom and necessity of nature, a force that recognizes the need to periodically clear, release, destroy, and generally act as a "shit-disturber" to that which is no longer sustainable.

Consider the paradox of the little planet we live on. It has gorgeous coastlines, majestic mountain ranges, breathtakingly beautiful canyons, sun rises, forests, flowers, butterflies, and people. But our same wondrous Earth  is a place where devastating volcanoes, fires, tsunamis, earth quakes, thunder storms, avalanches, tornadoes, hurricanes, and flash floods occasionally wipe out entire communities. We don't like this part of life, but it's natural, normal, and to be expected.

The same holds true for our personal processes and opportunities for growth. Storminess, duality, occasional dramatic upheavals, and the necessity to rebuild and reinvent, are par for the course here. There are certainly places in the universe where life is more mellow, but we're not living in those places right now.

This week, I invite you to view your life from the perspective of nature. If there were metaphorical earthquakes or floods for you in 2013, see your soul as having done some important clearing work, work that would enable you the opportunity to change course or create something new in your life. If you lost someone or something you loved, experience that grief, but know that this is the way of nature. Know that everything in the physical world has a beginning, a middle, and an end, but that love and happy memories are never lost.

We went through a lot in 2013, which makes me think that 2014 might just be a powerful time of healing and new beginnings, perhaps even a time of never-before-considered possibilities.

What is the new year asking of you?

Honoring the Losses of 2013

December 21st marked the Winter Solstice, the gateway to our winter months here in the Northern Hemisphere. It's a time to go inside, build a fire, and reflect on where we've been and where we are in this moment. It's a time to start thinking about our direction for the new year.

For many of us, 2013 brought moments of joy, but also moments of great sorrow and loss. Whether you lost a loved one, pet, relationship, home, job, or dream, you're probably feeling it again right now, as the holidays and winter conditions bring feelings and memories of the past to the surface to be reviewed, and hopefully released or worked through.

For me, the holidays always evoke feelings of gratitude for what I have and, at the same time, deep sadness and discomfort about what others lack. Our personal losses are real, and not to be dismissed, but when we look out into the world and see the losses (and suffering) of so many others, it can feel overwhelming.

This week, I invite you to be gentle with yourself and others. Let your feelings be there without repressing them or overreacting to them. Light a candle of remembrance for the people or things you've lost this year. Get plenty of rest. Be kind to yourself and your family. Be charitable to those in need. And remember that love is the greatest gift you can give or receive.

I wish you peace now and in the new year.

Why Venting Actually Increases Anger

Back in the repressed Victorian days of Sigmund Freud, women used to faint or become paralyzed when something upset them, and men did what men in repressed emotional environments do---destroy things, drink too much, have affairs, and develop strange disorders. What Freud and others learned from this dysfunction fest is that repression is not a good coping strategy. Feelings need to see the light of day so they don't fester.

From that came the idea that expressing one's feelings was necessary to maintain emotional health. We should cry when we're sad, communicate honestly when necessary, and vent our frustration when we're angry. In fact, therapists even went so far as to recommend that we beat a pillow or punching bag and pretend that this object was the target of our anger. The idea was that this practice would safely get the anger out of our systems.

The funny thing about this still widely accepted theory is that research is now finding that venting one's anger only exacerbates it. It's like throwing kindling on a fire. Beating a pillow might feel good in the moment and wear a person out, but it actually reinforces one's aggressive tendencies, and functions as a rehearsal for future anger responses.

Likewise, ruminating about one's anger (or injustices suffered) also exacerbates it. What helps? According to a landmark study and article entitled, Does Venting Anger Feed or Extinguish the Flame?, "distraction" proved to be a better option than venting or ruminating. Do something else. Think about something else.

Well, that makes sense, but how long before the anger creeps back into our thoughts? We're not robots who can program our minds to never to think of something upsetting. That sounds a lot like repression, if you ask me.

Personally, the most valuable wisdom I've encountered on this topic came from the book, Anger, by Thich Nhat Hanh (which I shared about in the November 26th post). According to Hanh, anger is not something to be repressed or acted out, but something to be honored and transformed. In it's true form, it's not a dangerous beast, but a cry for help, and when we go within and take care of our anger, it changes into something gentle. It heals, and so do we.

The Many Faces of Drama: What Does Yours Look Like?

Lately I've been noticing how most people (other people, that is...certainly not you or me!) have some sort of ongoing mental or behavioral drama that is so prevalent in their everyday experience that they don't realize how identified they've become with it, or that, perhaps, they've manufactured it themselves. The following are a few examples:

1.  Always running late
2.  Habitual procrastination
3.  Chronic overspending/ running out of money
4.  Struggling with compulsions, addictions, or obsessions
5.  Yo-yo dieting (or fussing about weight)
6.  Relationship drama
7.  Chronic complaining or negativity
8.  Hating your job (but not leaving it)
9.  Trying to get someone to change/ trying to control others
10. Fighting for social or political change
11. Being chronically judgmental or critical
12. Being an over-protective parent
13. Habitual worrying
13. Obsessing about health or fitness
14. Having an inferiority complex
15. Struggling with illness or disability
16. Self-sabotaging or self-destructive behavior
17. Careless or impulsive behavior, promiscuity
18. Poor romantic choices/ unrequited love
19. Emotional reactivity /outbursts
20. Any kind of preoccupation or repetitive thinking

You might object to a few of these, such as being someone who fights injustice or suffers from a disability. Rest assured that I'm not trying to pathologize anyone here---I'm just pointing out the very natural human tendency for our minds to latch onto a thought or circumstance and build an infrastructure around it.

The originating thought might be one of weakness or fear of loss. It might be a one of poverty or not being good enough. Often drama-producing patterns are the result of boredom or lacking a sense of meaning in one's life. Instead of dealing with existential issues or the mundane realities of daily life, we go on a binge or pick a fight with our spouse. It spices things up in the moment, but afterwards we're left with guilt, hopelessness, and indigestion..

This week, I ask you to identify a drama you have running in your life. Is it a little drama or a big one? Does it affect your relationships, loved ones, health, livelihood, or self esteem? What lives beneath the surface of the drama? Is it boredom, fear, a need for attention or power? Understanding the motivation for the drama or habitual behavior can help you decide whether you want to continue in the same manner or, perhaps, make some important changes that reflect your current wishes.

Mindfulness: A Simple Tool for Calming the Mind

Last week, we talked about anger, and how when we view it as a form of suffering, we more easily find compassion for ourselves and others. This week, I wanted to discuss the practice of mindfulness, which is a simple and powerful tool virtually anyone can use to tap into the peace and compassion within.

Mindfulness is when we notice or observe what's going on (in our mind or in our environment), without judgment or resistance. Thich Nhat Hahn, the great Buddhist teacher, breaks it down for us in this way:

1.  The first function of mindfulness is to recognize, not fight.  Our breathing anchors us into the present moment as well as into our body and soul. Breathing in, we say: "I acknowledge that anger (despair, jealousy, etc.) has manifested in me.” Breathing out, we say: "I will take good care of you.” This is how we apply compassion to our place of suffering.

2.  Once we have recognized our anger (despair, jealousy, etc.), we embrace it. This is the second function of mindfulness, and it feels like a breath of fresh air. Instead of fighting or trying to manipulate, we are honoring our humanness and taking care of our emotion. Paradoxically, when we allow an emotion to be there, it changes, relaxes.

3.  The third function of mindfulness is to soothe or relieve. The emotion is still there, but it is being taken care of. The situation is no longer in chaos. Order is restored.

Mindfulness is not only for use in crisis intervention. In fact, the regular practice of mindfulness, or observing without judgment, creates the conditions for a more peaceful, balanced mind. Does everyone desire this? Maybe not---some people really enjoy their drama!---but I’m sure most of us would like to have a tool available for when we want to calm down and find relief from our own (and other people’s) “monkey minds.”

This week, I ask you to find an opportunity to apply the practice of mindfulness, ideally, when you have a few minutes of quiet and solitude. And remember to breathe, as this is key.

Have a peaceful week.

Anger: How Seeing it as Suffering Makes all the Difference in the World

Do you suffer from anger or resentment in your life? Whether it’s our own internal anger or that of someone we live with, work with, or love, everyone in this world is touched by the destructive forces of anger. Recently I wanted to gain a deeper understanding of my own inner aggression, so read the book, Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames, by the great Buddhist teacher and Nobel Peace Prize nominee, Thich Nhat Hanh, who writes:

"When we get angry, we suffer. If you really understand that, you also will be able to understand that when the other person is angry, it means that she is suffering.  When someone insults you or behaves violently towards you, you have to be intelligent enough to see that the other person suffers from his own violence and anger. But we tend to forget. We think we are the only one that suffers, and that the other person is our oppressor. This is enough to make anger arise, and to strengthen our desire to punish. We want to punish the other person because we suffer. Then, we have anger in us; we have violence in us, just as they do. When we see that our suffering and anger are no different from their suffering and anger, we will behave more compassionately......So, don’t despise your anger. Don’t fight your anger, and don’t suppress your anger. Learn the tender way of taking care of your anger, and transform it into the energy of understanding and compassion."

At one point while reading this book, I felt broken-hearted as I realized how great the suffering must be that would lead us to want to punish the people we love the most---to see them, at least in the heat of the moment, as an enemy we want to crush. And if you’ve ever had such a relationship, you know that those victories are shallow and short-lived, because next time your loved one will crush you, and so the fighting continues...

If you can't relate to this, you are either very blessed or you possess great wisdom and self mastery (maybe both), because experiencing the desire to lash out and punish is truly a state of great personal or group suffering.  It takes all of our peace and joy, and throws it out the window. Of course, some people are so deeply entrenched in anger as a way of life that they don’t even realize peace is an option. 

Hahn’s remedy is to cultivate deep understanding and responsibility for our anger, and to treat it (as well as the anger of others) with great compassion. What makes this possible is the heart-felt realization that anger can only come from suffering. People who cause us pain must be suffering greatly, and when we’ve hurt others it is because of our own suffering.

This week, I ask you to look at your relationship with aggression. Is there a conflictual relationship in your life in which anger and punishment play out? Is it with someone you love, such as a family member, spouse, former spouse, or child? Please take some time to get in touch with your role in the conflict and consider how this might have brought pain to the other person. Then, go into your heart and try to find compassion for yourself and the other person. Try treating expressions of anger as wounds to be healed, and not enemies to be conquered.

What's Your "Story?"

The other day I was in a conversation with someone I'd just met who was explaining to me in great detail why he dressed the way he did. Apparently he'd spent a lot of time considering how his image affected others, and he claimed to know exactly how different types of people perceived him. Men saw him this way, young women saw him another way, and older women, yet another. I had no idea how this subject had come up or how he'd arrived at his conclusions.

After the conversation, I found myself thinking, "What was that all about?" I thought about how he'd created an elaborate story, probably for the purpose of helping him understand and make sense of his role in life. As I thought about it more, I realized that we all do that, although some of us are less out there with it than others.

I thought about myself and the people I know, and how we each have a basic storyline we seem to live by. We have certain themes that play out over and over again. Some of these are of a healthy and positive nature, and some appear to be negative or even destructive.

Sometimes people recognize the mental or emotional ruts they're in, and apply self help or other techniques to change the patterns, while others are so enmeshed with the habitual belief that they don't see that it's coming from them (or their family, or their cultural group). Or they make up stories that broadly generalize large groups of people, like: "Women are petty," "Men are jerks," or, "Nobody has money."

Whenever I hear statements like this, I'm confused because when I look around, that's not what I see at all. Granted, I probably make all kinds of statements that leave people utterly perplexed too, because their experience and perspective may be very different than my own.

We all have stories we tell ourselves and perhaps tell others, but we don't all realize that we're making up stories. If your life is wonderful, it doesn't matter what you're telling yourself. (The proof is in the pudding, so to speak). If, on the other hand, you struggle in any area of your life, it would behoove you to understand what you're telling yourself about this situation. Whether it's about money, love, work, religion, your health, or anything else, if there's an issue there, there's bound to be a story that's fueling it.

This week, I invite you to do two things. First, look at your friends and family members and try to identify their primary stories. Some examples include:

"I'm stuck and there's no way out..."
"Nobody appreciates me"
"There's never enough time, money, etc."
"It's all their fault"
"It's all my fault"
"I deserve whatever I want"
"Everybody dumps on me"
"I'm bored. Everything's boring"

And then, once you're clear about what a story looks like and feels like, see if you can identify your own story (or stories). This is more difficult to do because our own stories feel like objective reality (but they're not!) I think you'll find this exercise to be illuminating, and maybe even help you out of a rut or two.

Have a great week.