Post #61: Challenging Our Challenging Habits

Last week, we began looking at the importance of employing focus in our lives, and how we can learn to tune in to what's important and tune out what's not. I asked you to take a look at your crazy old habits, and get clear about which ones serve you, and which do not.

I started doing this myself, with the help of a great book, The Power of Focus by Canfield, Hansen, and Hewitt. (Jack Canfield and Mark Hansen are the authors of the super-successful Chicken Soup for the Soul series). According to these organizational gurus, the first step in learning to focus and become successful in any area of life is to acknowledge that your habits determine your future.

Of course, when we refer to "habits" we're talking not only about what you do and how you do it, but also what thoughts and feelings repeat over and over (and over) again. This can be humbling to contemplate because so much of what we do, think, and feel is automatic, and often we don't really fathom that there are other, better ways to function (that are available to us). When we are unconscious about our habits, they run out lives, but taking an honest look at them can help us turn things around.

Canfield, Hansen and Hewitt provide a great hands-on formula for changing the habits that are getting between you and your happiness. They recommend that you sit down with a pencil and paper (or whatever you use to write) and do the following exercise:

1.   Clearly Identify your "Bad" or Unproductive Habits
What is it that you're doing or not doing, and what are the likely future consequences of your habit? (example: smoking).

2.   Define your Desired New Habit
This may simply be doing the opposite of what you are currently doing (example: stop smoking). Explore what the benefits will be.

3.   Create a Three-Part Action Plan
Decide on three concrete action steps that will help you achieve your goal (example: read how-to-stop-smoking literature, use nicotine patch, enlist a buddy to act as your sponsor).

This formula may seem obvious and mundane, but when I took the time to sit down and write out the steps (for a few habits I wanted to change), I was surprised at how helpful the process was. It took the big, amorphous "energy" of the issue(s), and broke it down into bite-sized pieces that I could relate to and work with. I have to say that doing this exercise really helped me focus and take action. .

So, what habits challenge you?

Post #60: Let's Focus

Why do some people seem to get what they want and achieve a lot, while the rest of us struggle and thrash around like we're riding bumper cars at the carnival? Do the anointed ones possess magical powers? Are they considerably smarter than the rest of us? Do they work harder? Are they just lucky?

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my ability (or sometimes lack of ability) to focus my mind and get things done. I've always been a "project" person, meaning that when I get excited about something (decorating a cake, remodeling a room, earning a degree, writing a book, etc.) it happens, and there's absolutely no stopping me.

But when I'm not excited about doing something (or am only doing it only because I think I have to), my energy comes to a screeching halt, and I get stuck in a hellish limbo/procrastination state. Even making a simple phone call or completing a five minute task becomes excruciating or impossible. The whole scene wreaks of failure and laziness.

My fellow water-sign brethren (and other mutable types) may relate to this dilemma---we  freeze, then thaw, then steam up---talk about running hot and cold! We may be able to focus and achieve great things one week, only to falter the next.

Perhaps you're consistent enough, but you feel generally overwhelmed by the sheer volume of personal and professional demands on your time. You feel like a hamster on a wheel---like you're running as fast as you can, but not making much progress.

The ability to use our time and energy wisely is extremely important, perhaps now more than ever. With the constant interruption and stimulation of cell phones, emails and texts alone, it's a wonder that we can get anything done, or even complete a thought.

And yet, some people are highly skilled at honing in on what's important and filtering out what's not. They have good mental habits, and don't waste their valuable time. The great news is that we can learn to do this too. Just because it doesn't come naturally, doesn't mean it's out of our reach.

Together, over the next few weeks, we will explore what some of these focusing masters do, and how they do it. Between now and next week, I invite you to join me in taking a hard look at our habits. As we'll discuss next week, identifying problem areas can be the first step to overcoming them.

Post #59: Just Ask For A Miracle

Last week, a relative of mine was very upset about an impending life change. It was one of those inevitable transitions that most of us have to go through, but it was very unsettling to him. It felt scary and unpredictable, different than what he'd ever known before. It would demand more of him than his previous situation had, and it brought with it grief and loss of what had gone before. We've all been there, right?

When Michael shared his feelings about this, it became clear to me that there was no consolation or platitude that would take away the distress he was feeling. He had somewhat of a tendency to focus on negatives, and ultimately he had no choice but to work through this. It didn't seem that there was much I could do to help, except offer support.

Then I remembered A Course in Miracles (a spiritual self-psychology program I studied many years ago). I used to ask for miracles all the time, and doing so always seemed to help. But what is a miracle, really?

Although miracles come in many shapes, sizes and definitions, the type of miracle I'm most enamored with is what the Course refers to as "a shift in perception." The reason this is so powerful is that no matter what's going on in our lives, our situation is either improved or worsened by our perception of it. For instance, even though Michael was upset about the upcoming transition in his life, the truth of the matter is that it could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to him. It wasn't the objective situation that was a problem---it was the way he perceived it.

So I asked Michael if he'd be willing to go out on a limb and ask for a miracle. This threw him off a little initially (because he was so immersed in his struggle), but I explained that nobody knew what his new situation would bring. Maybe it would be better than he thought, or maybe it would be worse. He might make a lot of friends and love the new situation, or he might feel like an outsider and not care for it at all. No one could say, but what if he and I asked the Universe for a miracle, and then just waited to see what happened? It couldn't hurt, I reasoned.

Michael visited me first thing the next morning. Although he is not usually a morning person, he looked and sounded amazing. He was bubbly and animated, and he glowed. I asked him what had happened, and he told me that at 3:00 that morning he had awakened feeling totally alive and optimistic, like everything was exactly as it should be and there was nothing to be afraid of. He felt invincible!

Wowee! Even though I expected something good to come of our request, this actually blew me away. And the miraculous shift appears to have stuck. It's been several days now and Michael is still at peace with the upcoming changes. This, my friends, is a miracle.


The exciting thing about asking the Universe (or Higher Power, or God) for a miracle is that even though you expect something good might happen, you never know what form it will take (or what timing). It may be that something outside of you changes, or it might be that you change, but if you're willing for things to get better, they will.

This week, I invite you to ask for a miracle in some area of your life that could use a little help. Then sit back and notice what happens. Does the outer situation shift, or do you shift internally? Please share your miracles, past or present. I'd love to hear about them.

Post #58: If it's IN the Way, it IS the Way

What's up for you right now? Even if things are basically going well, most of us have one or two areas of our life where we run into difficulty. For some of us it's health challenges or emotional issues. For others it's relationship-based. Maybe it's work-related or finance-related. It might be a new problem or one you've been grappling with since childhood. Do you ever think to yourself, "If I could get rid of this issue, everything would be fine."?

Even though that's sometimes true, there's probably more to your situation than meets the eye. It's extremely tempting to think that this thing (or person or place)--this noun, if you will--is what's standing between us and a more fulfilling life, but from a spiritual point of view, if it's in the way, it is the way. What does that mean?

Last week, I had the opportunity to hear a great talk by Gregg Levoy. He writes and speaks about recognizing and responding to our "callings," or what I often refer to as tapping into and following our higher guidance. Same thing.

Gregg points out that what's in our face (symptoms, relationship friction, addictions, etc.) is actually just the soul trying to get our attention so we can move forward. When resisting something becomes more painful than facing it, we get to see what we're made of. Eventually (in this lifetime or another) we get sick and tired of letting a challenge get the best of us, and we rise up to meet it. We've all done this many times before, so don't feel bad if you're having trouble doing it in your current situation. Gregg says that heroes aren't born, they are cornered. I love that!

So, what's in your face? Is there an issue that taunts you? What would happen if you reframed it as a non-punitive, but potent, wake-up call from your soul? What is this issue trying to move you toward? Forgiving someone or something? Standing up for yourself? Taking responsibility for your own happiness? Proving to yourself that who you really are is stronger than your need to smoke, eat sugar, or hang out with people who don't respect you?

Please join me this week in taking a fresh look at the issues in our lives. Instead of viewing situations as nuisances, take a moment to entertain the idea that these issues may hold the key to our growth. Just as dreams are meaningful and symbolic, so are the forms that our challenges take. Please share...I'd love to hear from you.

Post #57: Questioning Authority

The other night at a party, I overheard a conversation about the drug OxyContin (a prescription opioid painkiller) being a popular drug of choice on the street. I don't usually keep up with such trends, but this morning in the waiting room of my doctor's office, I spied a magazine article about this very topic, and decided to take a look at it.

Predictably, the article was alarming in what it revealed, but it served to confirm a growing suspicion/gut-feeling for me about Western medical practices, which is that we individuals must ultimately be in charge of our own health and well-being. Doctors may mean well, and not all pharmaceutical companies intend to exploit consumers, but it appears that our healthcare systems may be doing as much harm to patients as they are doing good. And it's not all their fault.

What do I mean by this? Let me start by sharing that many years ago, I heard a statistic about prescription drugs being the leading cause of death in the United States. Since doctors are the prescribers of these lethal culprits, I couldn't help but make the obvious association. I did this out loud and in the presence of my elderly great aunt, who immediately became agitated and told me that I should never question the authority of my doctors. It was as if, in her eyes, her doctors were the demi-gods whose care determined whether she should live or die, and even asking relevant questions was somehow an act of disrespect toward these superhumans.

Hmm...interesting. Most of us would raise our eyebrows and disagree that we should employ blind faith with regard to our medical doctors, but the fact is that most of us actually do so on a regular basis. Even I (who am a strong advocate of following one's internal guidance), recently let a doctor talk me into taking a medication that I knew was not good for my body. Why did I do it? Because of the same old programming that my elderly aunt communicated so articulately: doctors know more about what's good for us than we do.

So, what's to be done? (Afterall, most of us are not trained to know the difference between a spleen and a sprain). I believe that there are lots of great information and advice providers in the world. Some of them are doctors, some are lawyers, some are accountants, grocery store clerks, hairdressers, therapists, waiters, gardeners, plumbers, bloggers, etc. They may know more about their field of expertise than you do, but they don't know more about you than you do.

Any "expert" advice you receive, from what brand of corn flakes to buy to whether or not to undergo brain surgery, is ultimately your own decision, and one that you are responsible for making. And the best way I know to make good decisions on a regular basis is to learn how to tap into and trust your own foolproof inner guidance. When we weigh any information or advice we receive against the wisdom of our Higher Selves, we will quickly (or at least eventually) make the best life choices for ourselves.

If you'd like to learn more, please check out the following relevant articles from this blog:
Posts #4-7: Following Your Inner Guidance, etc. (2/15/11-3/8/11)
Post #21: What Blocks Higher Guidance? (6/14/11)
Post #43: Just Checking In (11/29/11)
Post #48-50: How To Be A Pain Buster (three parts, 1/3/12-3/8/12)

I love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below.

Post #56: We're All In This Together

This morning at the gym, I saw a new poster with the caption, "Look around, we're all in this together." The same message---in various forms---has been finding its way to me all week, and I can't help but wonder if it's a universal theme that's up for a lot of us right now. (After all, it was on a mass-produced poster at the gym!)

This would make sense. Thus far, 2012 gives every appearance of being a year of reflection, change, and for many people, crisis. It seems to be a year of taking stock and releasing what no longer works. For many, it's a time of endings and/or new beginnings.

We're all in this together. What does that bring up for you? Yesterday, I was driving along, at a very reasonable speed, when a big pick-up truck, going double the speed limit, swerved angrily around my car, almost hitting me from the back and then from the side and front, as the driver made his frustration obvious.

Wow. At first I was a little hurt and offended by what felt like an unwarranted attack, but the internal message I received was to just forgive the driver's rudeness, and move on. I was fine. What I realized, too, was that although I would probably never see that driver again, he had to wake up with his hostility every morning.

My point? When we realize that we're all in this together, we recognize a sweet kind of kinship with those around us: family, friends, and "strangers" alike. We may not be able to feel that commonality or warmth all the time, but just knowing that we're all connected in some important way eventually changes everything. We realize that when we hurt other people, we're hurting ourselves. And most of us don't want to do that anymore.

This week, I invite you to join me in working on recognizing that (inspite of appearances) we really are all in this together, and we're all working parts of an interconnected system. What you do and say ultimately affects your family, your community, and all of humanity. When you cut a brother some slack, or show a sister respect, not only are you remembering who you truly are, but the rewards you reap personally are profound.

I'd love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below.

Post #55: That "Between Worlds" Feeling

Has this been an intense year for you so far? For me, as well as many friends and acquaintences, it's been a period of deep reflection, a time when heavy or old emotions or energies are bubbling up into consciousness, and  a time when past relationships are resurfacing unexpectedly. I've heard that this is a period of universal housecleaning, and that any unfinished business lurking in the recesses of our minds must now be brought to the surface and released. For many of us, it's no longer an option to hide from ourselves, live in denial, or continue running away from what we don't want to look at in ourselves or the world.

To me, it feels like the veil is thinning. The nature of time is changing, speeding up. Our dreams are more vivid and our life purposes more urgent. We're more open to spiritual messages and less tolerant of the thoughtless things we and other people say and do. It used to be normal to waste water and throw paper in the garbage, but now it unsettles us. It's as if we're between worlds---an old world where we were blissfully unaware that smoking and taking three-martini lunches would eventually hurt us, and a new world where, perhaps, we wouldn't even be attracted to those behaviors. Who knows what's to come? What we do know is that this "in between" space is not always an easy place to reside.

So, what do we do with this state of unrest? Like a scientist, I've been busily experimenting with various formulas for moving through the energetic maze so that we can get closer to the cheese (or at least not remain stuck in a dark, tight spot). As it is with any well-designed maze, success is not always easy, but if you keep trying you'll eventually get there). There are promising-looking paths that lead to abrupt dead ends. There are moments when you know you're being tested and when you worry that the other rats are much better at this game than you are. And there are times when you don't even have the energy to try.

What to do? There are no quick fixes. This "being human" juggling act is a process, and it's designed so that we have to hang in there and work things out through trial and error. That said, here are a few things I've learned over the years about managing one's emotional life:

What usually doesn't  help:

• Running away from, denying, or "medicating" your feelings
• "Affirming" the feelings away (flight to the light)
• Getting sucked into the abyss of the old familiar feelings 
• Trying to "think" your way out of the feelings

What usually does help:

• Breathing, and calmly allowing the feelings to be there (without doing the above)
• Calling in spiritual support through prayer, surrender, etc. 
• Being compassionate and nurturing toward yourself
• Remembering that "this too shall pass." (Relax, you won't be stuck in this place forever)

I'd love to hear from you. Are you having that "between worlds" feeling?