Post #69: Big Evolution, Big Stress

Have you been feeling vulnerable lately? Like you thought you had graduated from certain issues, only to have them reappear? Maybe you've been feeling physically exhausted or breaking out in rashes? Perhaps a not-so-great relationship or job just ended abruptly, sending you into a tailspin? Maybe you're weepy or depressed  for no apparent reason? Or maybe some old grief or hurt is making its way to the surface to be cleared? Dear friends, welcome to the club!

Like you, I have a toolbox full of coping mechanisms and tricks for managing my mental and emotional states, but lately I've been having to tap dance double-time. I've been asking around, and it turns out that most of my spiritually sensitive (and highly functioning) friends are experiencing the same thing. Here are some quotes from last week alone:

"I collapsed, and couldn't get out of bed for three days."
"I've been processing, nonstop"
"I'm so on edge, I'm afraid I'm going to lose it."
"I'm weary of life. Sometimes I wish this was over and I could go home."

The 2012 "energy" is intense, but what does that mean? It seems that 2012 is a time of great transition. I believe it is all good and that we're moving from the old duality into a gradually improving state---possibly even what would be called a golden age. But change is not easy (just ask a caterpillar, or a twelve year old with growing pains).

In order to evolve, we have to dump what doesn't work anymore and embrace new, better ways of being. This can be scary, stressful, and grief-producing. We have to be patient and kind to ourselves during these growth spurts or else we risk retarding the process. It's difficult to realize that you're in a productive clearing process when you're in the middle of it, but sometimes just knowing that this is a time of acute human evolution can help you not spin out of control when things heat up.

What's up for you right now? Is it possible that you're going through a necessary growth process? Please share your stories. I'd love to hear from you.

Post #68 : Resistance is Futile

Okay, so, resistance is not always futile, and I know there are a lot of wonderful Indigo children out there (whose job it is to resist dysfunctional things---and I honor that), but generally speaking, we humans have a bad habit of resisting all kinds of situations that we'd do better just to accept and move on.

Nature has so much to teach us. All we have to do is observe the perfectly orchestrated change of seasons to see that Mother Nature has her own intelligence. Trees don't try to grow; they just grow. Animals don't need parenting books; they instinctively know how to carry, give birth, and raise their young. Bees pollinate flowers because it's their job. Nature knows how to go with the flow, and nature accepts the facts of life: beauty, birth, creation, gorgeous sunsets, survival of the fittest, violence, death, devastating fires, floods, and earthquakes. There's an amazing ability and necessity within nature to accept life on life's terms.

On the other hand, while there are plenty of exceptions, the developed world has a difficult time accepting the most basic givens of life, and we expend a huge amount of precious energy resisting those very conditions. You can probably think of dozens of ways that we repress and fight nature. Especially in the United States, we have a tendency to form an opinion about the way we think something should  be, and then fight like hell to make it so.

For instance, as a culture, we've decided that normal aging is unacceptable, so we take pills, buy expensive creams, exercise compulsively (or beat ourselves up because we don't), undergo plastic surgery, dye our hair, etc. Anything to look younger (or thinner), because the consensus is that aging is a terrible fate. Likewise, dying a natural death, even at a ripe old age, has become somewhat unusual because doctors are trained to keep people alive at all costs.

Conversely, Buddhism and many other traditions embrace the facts of human life. To a large extent, acceptance of what is forms the cornerstone of the relationship with life, the universe, and all that exists. When we accept that loss is a part of life, it is a different experience than when we resist the loss. Either way, we may grief stricken when a loved one dies, but when we're grounded in the fact that physical death is natural and inevitable, we suffer much less than when our grief is complicated by the belief that something has gone terribly wrong.

There is great change in the air at this time. Every day, I wake up feeling as if things are moving and changing so fast that I can barely keep up, or that there's a grief just under the surface that I don't really understand. It feels like a 2012 thing----a time of big transition. But I believe that as long as we find a way to take a few deep breaths when we feel stressed out, and go with the flow as much as possible, everything will fall into place just fine.

So, what do you resist, and in what areas of life do you go with the flow? I'd love to hear from you.

Post #67: Six Steps to Powerful Focusing

For the last couple weeks, we've been discussing the ground-breaking work of Dr. Eugene Gendlin, author and founder of Focusing. This week, I'd like to lay out Gendlin's six steps to getting in touch with, and shifting those unresolved conflicts inside of you.

Maybe it's free-floating anxiety. Maybe it's chronic, low-grade depression. Maybe it's a nagging sense of guilt, shame, or inadequacy. Or maybe it's nothing more than a bit of frustration or irritation. Whatever's operating below the surface and bugging you or sabotaging your life, can be revealed and relieved by practicing Gendlin's Focusing process.

So, here it is:

1. Clearing a Space. Sit or lie down, close your eyes, and relax. Take a few deep breaths. Turn your attention to your body, perhaps your stomach, chest, and shoulder area. Ask yourself, "How am I today?" or, "What's going on with me right now?" Wait for a felt sense in your body; maybe some tightness or a knot. Along with this, you may start getting a sense of several issues that your body is holding, from minor to major, or fleeting to chronic in nature. Take note of each concern, without going into it, and set it aside for a moment. Let each issue present itself, until you can say, "Except for all this, I feel fine."
2. Felt Sense. Ask yourself which issue feels the worst right now, or just pick one to work on. Don't delve into the problem or the usual dialog about the problem. Stand back from it, and ask yourself to get a sense of the whole of the problem (just the overall "vibe" of the issue). Your mind might want to start analyzing at this point, but try to stay quiet and just listen for your body's response (which might feel murky and unclear at this point).
3. Get A Handle. What is the quality of the felt sense? Find a word, like "heavy," "tight," sticky," "jumpy," "helpless," etc., or a short phrase or combination of words, such as "have to perform," or "scared-tight." Perhaps a picture or sound pops into your mind that represents the felt sense. You aren't trying to analyze; you are looking for the core of the felt sense (of all of that). 
4. Resonate. Take the word or image you received, and check it against the felt sense. Make sure they are a match. Gently ask (but don't answer),"Is this right?" If so, you should experience a felt response or resonance, such as a sigh, tears, or feeling of relief. If the word or image is not a match, return to the felt sense and wait for the right representation to appear. (Note that the felt sense might morph as you go through this process, so you may have to keep refining and redefining as you go). When you've achieve a good, solid match, let yourself feel that for a minute or two before moving on.
5. Asking. If a major shift, opening, or bodily release has already occurred, go directly to the final step, "receiving." Usually, however, a well-fitting handle has produced a small shift, and in this step, you ask the felt sense, directly, what it is. This might mean spending some time with the felt sense, and using the handle ("heavy." for example) to ask, "What is it about this whole issue that feels so heavy?" (Try to keep your questions open-ended). The first answers you receive might be the usual mental processing, so keep asking, gently, until the felt sense stirs, and a fresh authentic answer emerges. Ask other relevant questions as they present themselves, such as, "What is the worst part of all this?" and, "What would it take for me to feel better?" 
6. Receiving. Whatever comes from this process, welcome it. You might have received a little information or experienced a small shift. Or, perhaps, you resolved the entire problem. Know that your willingness to inquire within has set a process in motion, and that eventually a meaningful internal shift will occur. And don't worry if your questions produced what feels like an unrealistic answer (eg, something that would require you to leave your spouse, quit you job, or invest money that you don't have.) The first form of the internal response is often just a jumping off point, so give it time to mature and develop.

This process can be done alone or with the help of a caring friend or facilitator, and it only takes a few minutes. If you'd like to learn more about Focusing, please read Gendlin's book, or check out the Focusing Institute's Website, http://www.focusing.org/.

Post #66: How to Focus Like the Masters

Last week, we talked about what doesn't work in terms of managing our psychological lives, and I introduced the brilliant "Focusing" work of Eugene Gendlin.

Back in the 1970s, Dr. Gendlin identified why psychotherapy worked for some clients, and not  for others. It wasn't so much the therapy itself, but the therapy client's natural ability or lack of ability to tap into his or her own internal processes, including honoring feelings and tuning into the body and mind.

This week, I'd like to explain the basic idea behind Gendlin's Focusing technique, which is designed to help you go past the usual emotional and mental processing of issues, and get you to what's beneath all that, for this is where healing shifts can occur. If you compare this concept to our physical health, it is the difference between taking drugs to alleviate symptoms, and the body actually healing on a deeper level.

The fundamental idea in Focusing, is that each emotional issue has a "felt sense" at its core. The thoughts and feelings we can identify and label (fear, anxiety, anger, envy, sadness, etc) are not the felt sense, but what sits on top of, and in some ways masks it. When we tap into this felt sense (in the body or body-mind), a natural shift occurs that helps us not only understand the issue at it's core, but more importantly, helps us release the physical and psychological stress associated with keeping that energy out of our conscious awareness.

So, we can learn to tap into the felt sense, and thus bring about this bodily shift. But what does that mean, exactly? Gendlin helps us understand this with the following simple example.

Let's say you're going on a plane trip to visit your parents and, as you take your seat, you have the uncomfortable feeling that you forgot to pack something important. You rack you brain trying to think of what it could be, but no answer comes to you. Maybe you deal with this discomfort by telling yourself that whatever you need, you can buy at your destination. But you are still troubled. The answer to your question is just below the surface of awareness, and finally something "clicks" and you remember what you left behind. It was the package of photographs you promised to bring your mother. Even though there's nothing you can do now to retrieve the photographs, on a psychological as well as physical level you feel relieved. Now, you can rest.

I think everyone can relate to this scenario. When something matters to us but is hidden from our conscious awareness, it creates internal stress---it bugs us---and no amount of cajoling or denying will erase that feeling. In this example, the shift occurred automatically, but just as often we go years without ever getting in touch with or shifting what is bugging us, and this can wreak havoc on our psyches and our lives.

I had intended to lay out Gendlin's 6-part focusing technique for you this week, but I felt the above background info was critical in understanding and applying the process. So next week, I promise to walk you through the steps.

But this week, you can get started. When you feel bugged about something, try this exercise:  close your eyes, relax, and see if you can feel a sense of the issue or emotion somewhere in you body. Perhaps a tightness in your chest or throat, or a lump in your stomach. Just notice it, nothing more. Maybe take a few deep breaths. Next week, we'll talk about where to go from there. Until then...

Post #65: Emotions: How to Cut to the Chase

I am in the process of remodeling my bathroom, with the help of my good friend, Tom (who is a wonderful contractor). Last week, Tom and I demo'd the bathroom, went on peaceful excursions to The Home Depot, Eames Hardware, and the cultured marble store, and generally enjoyed the hard work and the friendly company.

That was last week.

This week (which is only two days old, so far), I started dealing with the floor people and the cultured marble people. Don't get me wrong, they are lovely, polite, highly skilled guys, but somehow, all of a sudden, my fun remodeling project became exceedingly stressful. The floor covering job went awry (remember the old M.A.S.H. episode where Hawkeye ordered a custom pinstriped suit, and the stripes ended up horizontal?) Then the marble people forgot all about my (strategically-timed) installation. I cried.

I actually cried a lot, so I decided I'd better close my eyes and tune in to what was really going on. My internal guidance told me to run to the bookshelf and grab the Eugene Gendlin book, Focusing (a classic self-help book published in 1978, and still in print today).

"Focusing" is a self-therapy technique whereby we are asked to close our eyes, relax, and tune into the body's intelligence. Gendlin identified that the seat of any emotional upset can be found within the body, and if we direct our attention to the body (and inquire gently), it will reveal what is needed for healing.

Gendlin offers a quick, 6-part process for doing this, which is truly transformative, and which I'd like to share with you. But before I do that, let's talk about the common ways we approach our feelings that usually don't work:

1. Belittling the feeling. We try to convince ourselves that the problem doesn't exist or is too trivial to worry about.
2. Analyzing the feeling. We use our heads to try to figure out why we're upset. This is frustrating and counterintuitive, but even we therapists do it all the time.
3. "Facing down" the feeling.  We apply the stiff upper lip. "Just grit your teeth and don't let it get the better of you."
4. Lecturing ourselves. "Okay, pull yourself together and stop this nonsense! You're acting like a child. There's no reason in the world that this should bother you so much..."
5. Medicating the feeling. We use food, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, or other compulsive behavior to escape from the uncomfortable feelings.
6. Drowning in the feeling. We sink deeply into the emotion and the thoughts surrounding it, hoping that this will help work the feelings through.

Gendlin states, "These approaches cannot work because they don't touch and change the place out of which the discomfort arises. It exists in the body. It is physical. If you want to change it, you must introduce a process of change that is also physical. That process is focusing."

Please join me here next week as I outline Gendlin's process for focusing. And do have a beautiful week.

Post #64: How to Focus (from Inside a Speeding Train)

Do you ever feel like your life is a train ride, with the scenery zipping past? There are times when it's fine to just sit back, relax, and stare out the window---to be lulled into a peaceful trance. I love that.

Other times, your life's a train ride and you need to get things done. Groovy things (and not so groovy things) are still buzzing by outside, but you need to pull your attention in and focus on something important. For some of us, it can be daunting to have a million things on our mental to-do list, especially when some of these tasks compete for importance or cause resistance within us. It can be overwhelming, and then we form symptoms.

Last night, I went to bed with a slight headache, and by morning I had a slight headache and had broken out in hives! Oh, heck...time to journal. Whenever I start getting mysterious symptoms, I know it's time to turn my attention inward and get my priorities in order. The writing helped me express the stressed-out feelings in a useful way so that my body didn't have to keep throwing symptoms at me.

Once the emotional venting was out of the way, it was fairly easy to figure out what needed to be done, and in what order and timing. I'm happy to say that the headache and hives have subsided, and I'm now back on track. Not perfect, but balance is restored. I only wish I hadn't let stress build up in the first place. Sigh....

But, you know what? This is a work in progress. We live and we learn. And then we forget and we have to learn it a few more times before it sticks. It's okay. It really is okay.

So, what helps you settle down and focus in on what's important? Maybe you've never really thought about it, but spending a few minutes considering what you've learned  through years of trial and error can be a huge help. When you can say to yourself, "I'm  getting stressed-out, I'd better go for a walk to clear my head" (or, meditate, make a to-do list, journal, etc), it helps you get back on track much faster than if you didn't have a viable plan ready to go.

All Aboar-rrrrrdd!!

Post #63: Integrity and "The Hunger Games"

Last night, I had the opportunity to see The Hunger Games. Wow...intense. I'd already been thinking about this week's blog topic, "Integrity," and to me this movie was, above all, a lesson in integrity.

We've been looking at the importance of focus in our lives, and in that regard I wanted to introduce the idea of integrity to self. I'm sure at some some point or other you've considered the role integrity plays in your life. But what is this, really?

For me, integrity has always been more of a feeling than anything else. When I meet someone new or observe my own thoughts or behavior, there's always the subtle question,  "What level of integrity is operating here?" and, "Do I trust this?"

If you break it down, integrity can be said to include the following:
1.   Possessing and steadfastly adhering to high moral principles (or professional standards)
2.   Being whole, undivided
3.   Being sound or uncompromised

Like you, perhaps, I have always suffered when I didn't live up to my own standards, but this has mostly been true in my relationship with the outside world. Of course, many of us have been working on self esteem issues forever and learning how to love and respect ourselves, but let me ask you this:  Do you apply the same standards to your relationship with self as you do with others? (Or, conversely, do you afford others the same respect you give yourself?) Do you show up on time when you have an important meeting, but flake out on your personal goals just because no one out there is holding you accountable? Ouch, I can relate to that.

Recently I heard a talk by Marcia Wieder, founder of Dream University. She spoke about why our goals fail, and brought up the topic of integrity to self. I'd never really thought of it before, but when you set a personal goal, like completing a project by a particular date, it should be no different than if your boss gives you a deadline to meet. You take your job seriously and you care what your boss thinks of you, so you make sure it happens, right? You might feel that you need your job and don't want to lose it, but there's more to it than that. You have integrity---you agreed to perform a particular function, and you take that agreement seriously. The same is true for us parents. We make sacrifices so our children will get what they need, and when we fall short of our own standards, we feel terrible.

So, why is it easy for many of us to set a personal goal and then disregard it or even forget that we set it? It's because we lack some level of integrity with ourselves. I admit that I am guilty of this. And what happens when we repeatedly fail to do what we say we'll do? We lose faith in ourselves.

Marcia's message is that we can reprogram our minds to gain back the integrity we've lost. We do this by setting small weekly objectives and making sure we fulfill them. She advocates dreaming really BIG, but taking it a step at a time and having faith in the universal unknown (miracles).

How is your integrity to self? To your loved ones? To your work?  To your community? To those you'll never meet? Ideally, and by definition, there's no difference. Integrity means being true to yourself and others, through and through. Easy? No way. Worth the effort? Absolutely! 

This week, I vow to only make promises to myself that I intend to keep (and then do whatever is necessary to make them happen). What about you?

You might enjoy setting aside time to watch one of the great "hero's journey" movies out there. A few of my favorites are Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Avatar, and The Hunger Games. These are more than stories. They are extreme portrayals of the integrity issues that we face every day of our lives.

Enjoy, and have a bold week!