"It's All Good" (Is that Really True?)

You may have heard the expression, "Gratitude is not about having what you want, but wanting what you have." And the quality of grace is similar in that it implies the presence of a divine goodness and care permeating everything, even the things that look bleak or feel miserable. Faith means trusting in a force greater than yourself, even if you have no proof.

It seems to me that gratitude, grace, and faith go hand in hand. When we feel the presence of grace in our lives, we can't help but experience gratitude for all aspects our lives, and faith that everything will be okay in the long run. Or is it the other way around? Do the practices of gratitude and faith lead to the blissful state of grace---that warm, fuzzy feeling of being surrounded and enfolded with love, care, protection, and higher purpose (even when things aren't going well on the outside)?

When people say, "It's all good," I think it means they're working on mastering gratitude, grace, and faith. They may not actually believe that everything is good all the time, but they're committed to the practice and process of uplifting their own thoughts and emotions and sharing that intention with others. They're saying that they refuse to buy into the idea that anything could be inherently bad or without purpose. "It's all good" is a huge spiritual statement (even if it's sometimes annoying!) 

This week, I ask you to look at your relationship to gratitude, grace, and faith. If these words sound soothing and attractive to you but you'd like help in strengthening them in your life, I suggest that you start a daily gratitude journal. Just write down everything you can think of that you're thankful for, even if you can only think of a few things. I'm confident that once you get started, your life will improve right away, and your gratitude, faith, and perception of grace will deepen and grow.

Not Buying In to "Decline"

Here on earth we have physical bodies, and physical bodies have a beginning, a middle, and an end. When we're young, we work hard to learn to use our bodies and minds to their fullest. Then we reach some level of competence or near-mastery, which we call our prime. After that, those of us who live long enough will begin a physical (and to varying degrees, mental) decline. That's all normal and to be expected, but it comes with many issues and emotions.

The funny thing about all this is how we (especially Westerners) tend to get fooled by part three of this process. We know very well that struggling toddlers will grow up to be competent adults, but when competent adults transition into struggling old folks, we sometimes forget who they were, and still are underneath the illusion of disability and aging bodies.

I recently learned this the hard way. My mother had been ill for several years, and during that time I watched her transition from being the mom I always knew and loved, to being the seemingly occasional inhabitant of a very sick, very frail, and very much disabled body. Because this happened over time, and not all at once, I adjusted to the changes as they came and gradually lost sight of the very alive, very vibrant person my mother had always been. Even though I never stopped loving her or respecting her, I bought into the idea that she had become a sick person who couldn't speak or think clearly. I forgot that a soul---especially a very bright soul like my mom's---could never get sick and fade away.

Within a day or two of her passing, I started feeling my vibrant mother's presence around me again. She presented as her younger, more beautiful self, but with even more uniqueness and specialness than I had attributed to her in this lifetime. I sensed not only the loving mom I had known, but a spectacular soul with great power and purpose beyond anything I had previously recognized.

At first I was saddened by having bought into her "decline," but then I realized that my misconception had gone even deeper. I had bought into the illusion that this glorious soul had just been my kind and gentle mother. She had always been there, ever in service to others and myself, so I never stopped to consider who she really was. It had never occurred to me that her body and personality and strengths and weaknesses were not who she really was.

Now that I felt her true, pure nature around me, I could see more clearly how the "veil" really works. If we had full access to our own and everyone else's greatness and beauty, we wouldn't have to work so hard, and we wouldn't learn so much. We'd never get hurt or angry or feel regret. If reality was all laid out for us, we'd just savor every moment with ourselves and our loved ones---and with every being we came in contact with. It would be a totally different experience.

Thank you, Mom, for teaching me and loving me so perfectly even after you were gone from this earth. I promise to try harder to remember my own greatness and that of every person I come in contact with. I won't always succeed, but I will endeavor to not buy into the idea that anyone could truly be poor or sick or unintelligent or unkind. I will try to glimpse the greatness of the soul behind every mask. Thank you for that and so much more.

What Is Your Soul Trying to Achieve?

Yesterday I had an illuminating conversation with a friend of mine, who is a life coach. I asked her what the difference was between therapy and coaching. She explained the goals and process of coaching, and then said, "We inquire as to what your soul is trying to achieve---or within a relationship, what is the relationship is trying to achieve."

I found this fascinating, because so often we get stuck in ruts of thinking, feeling, and acting, and we get trapped within certain dynamics. But how many of us take our issues to that deeper level---the level of asking what our souls are trying to accomplish through our life circumstances?

We all have ongoing or recurring themes in our lives, some of which are functional, and others that seem to work against us. Maybe we are constantly struggling to make enough money, or are always attracting the wrong kind of friends or partners. We tend to either personalize, "Why can't I get my act together?," or globalize our challenges, "Life is hard and people are untrustworthy."

Regardless of how we interpret our circumstances, our souls have placed us in these circumstances because they provide the perfect conditions for learning. For instance, someone who is always being taken advantage of may be here to learn how to look out for himself and develop discernment. And someone who is abused in this life may be working on developing (inner) self worth, or learning to stand up for herself.

Can you think of a longstanding or acute issue you've had, that you've resolved? Maybe a chronic illness, addiction, or relationship pattern? If so, you're probably pretty clear about what you learned from that challenge, and why it was important to go through. Maybe you suffered a heart attack and deeply resolved to slow down and take better care of yourself. Or maybe you found the courage to leave a loveless marriage and are now happily single or remarried.

If you have a troublesome issue, whether acute or chronic, it represents your soul asking you to make a change or evolve in some important way. Ignoring the call, or doing what you've always done, is probably not going to work anymore.

This week, I invite you to relax, step back, and ask your soul what your situation is trying to teach you. What is your soul trying to achieve?

How to Be a More Compassionate Person

Everyone knows compassion is a virtue, and that altruistic action makes the world a better place. Last week, we discussed how compassion is a best-kept secret because of the huge benefits it provides to the person giving it. This week, I wanted to follow up with some ideas on how to cultivate greater compassion within ourselves and our sphere of influence.

The following are tips from from the web site Greater Good: The Science of a Meaningful Life:

1. Look for commonalities. We're all human and we all share common human feelings, concerns, doubts, etc. Noticing ways that we are alike fosters feelings of compassion for self and others, while focusing on differences can make us feel isolated and separate.
2. Calm your inner worrier. Sometimes hearing of other people's challenges can launch us into fear ("that could happen to me!"), thus shutting down our ability to feel compassion. Working on staying present in the moment can ease inner stress.
3. Encourage cooperation, not competition. Working together, or seeing ourselves and others as part of the same team, can foster feelings of compassion, while competition encourages separateness.
4. See people as individuals (not abstractions). Remembering that everyone is a real person, as opposed to a statistic or demographic, can help us maintain our human connection.
5. Don't play the blame game. There is a natural tendency to relieve our own stress by telling ourselves things like, "She shouldn't have been walking alone in that neighborhood---I would never do something like that!" 
6. Respect your inner hero. When we realize that our efforts make a difference, we're more likely to reach out with compassion.
7. Notice and savor how good it feels to exercise compassion. This will reinforce the positive experience, and make it more a part of who you are. 
8. To cultivate compassionate kids, start by modeling kindness. Compassion is contagious (as is it's opposite), so be conscious of what example you're setting for future generations.
9. Curb inequity. People who feel a sense of status over others, tend to feel less compassion and more entitlement. 
10. Don't be a sponge. Taking on other people's suffering doesn't help anybody, and can lead to distress, burnout, and even illness. Compassion at its best is about alleviating suffering, not creating more. 

Compassion: The Best Kept Secret

Have you ever awoken, cringing over a heartless comment you made the day before? That was me this morning. How could I have said that? I'm usually so nice...!

Let's face it, it's not easy to keep our hearts open in a healthy and balanced way, especially for those of us who are empaths. And what's the difference between compassion, altruism, empathy, sympathy, and pity? Are some of these healthy, and others not? The following explanation comes from the web site Greater Good: the Science of a Meaningful Life:

Compassion is not the same as empathy or altruism, though the concepts are related. While empathy refers more generally to our ability to take the perspective of and feel the emotions of another person, compassion is when those feelings and thoughts include the desire to help. Altruism, in turn, is the kind, selfless behavior often prompted by feelings of compassion, though one can feel compassion without acting on it, and altruism isn't always motivated by compassion.

I really like this definition, because compassion, as an energy, does hold a maturity and wisdom that empathy, sympathy, and pity do not. Compassion seems to have a deep evolutionary purpose.

Buddhism and other spiritual traditions have understood the power of compassion for centuries, but lately science has taken an interest in understanding the "measurable benefits" of experiencing compassion. Recent studies have linked compassion with the following:

• improved general health and well being
• reduced risk of heart disease (by slowing heart rate)
• lowering stress hormones in the blood and saliva
• strengthening the immune system
• sharpening mental focus, and calming the mind
• strengthening relationships (of all kinds)
• being more socially adept, thus less vulnerable to loneliness
• being better parents (raising kinder, more peaceful children)
• advancing the evolution of our species  

The other cool thing research is showing is that compassion is not something that you either have or you don't. It can be cultivated and strengthened through targeted exercises and practice. In fact, compassion training programs, such as those out of Emory University and Stanford University, are revealing how we can increase feelings of compassion in ourselves and others. 

Please join me here next week as we discuss the "hows" of becoming a more truly compassionate person.

Relationship Communication: How Are You Doing?

Last week, we talked about our human tendency to get stuck in patterns of doing the same old things over and over again even when they obviously don’t work, such as reenacting the same infuriating argument with our partner (for the hundredth time), or nagging our kids incessantly, even when it’s obvious that they've long since tuned us out.

This week, I wanted to discuss how, exactly, we might be more successful in communicating what we want and need, and effecting positive changes in our important relationships. The great classic book, The Dance of Anger, by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D, outlines the do's and don’ts of addressing problems with other people. Many of the following tips will be familiar to you, but I've found this list to be extremely helpful in getting me back on track when my communications have gone astray. I hope you find it helpful too.

1.    Do speak up when an issue is important to you. Sometimes simply letting something go is an act of maturity, but you “de-self” yourself when you fail to take a stand on issues that really matter to you.

2.    Don’t strike when the iron is hot. Fighting is not always a bad thing, but when communication has become a destructive pattern, it becomes important not to initiate a conversation when you’re feeling angry or upset.

3.    Do take time to think about the problem and to clarify your position. Before you speak out, ask yourself questions such as, “what is it about this situation that upsets me?” “what is the underlying issue here? “what exactly do I want to change?’  “what are my limits and boundaries regarding this issue?”

4.    Don’t use “below the belt” tactics. These include: put downs, condescension, sarcasm, blaming, guilt-tripping, diagnosing or analyzing the other person, moralizing, interrogating, ridiculing, ambushing, manipulating, threatening, or other war tactics.

5.    Do speak in “I” statements:  I think, I feel, I want, I’m afraid, I have an issue, etc., but avoid disguised, pseudo “I” statements such as, “I feel like you're being a jerk right now!”

6.    Don’t make vague requests. Be specific so that the other person doesn't have to read your mind to know what you want or need.

7.    Do try to appreciate that people are different.  Different ways of thinking and behaving don’t necessarily mean that one person is right (you) and the other person is wrong (him).

8.    Don’t participate in intellectual arguments that go nowhere. Trying to convince others of your rightness or their wrongness is a waste of time. Instead try saying something like, “It might sound crazy to you, but this is how I feel.”

9.    Do recognize that every person is responsible for his or her own behavior. If you’re blaming your friend’s new boyfriend because you never see your friend anymore, it’s time to have a conversation with your friend.

10.   Don’t tell another person what she thinks or feels, or what she should think or feel.  You can only know what you think and feel, and sometimes that’s not even possible.

11.   Do try to avoid speaking through a third party. If you’re angry about someone’s behavior, own it by saying “I’m upset about...,” instead of, “you hurt my daughter’s feelings when you...”

12.   Don’t expect change to come from “hit and run” confrontations. Change occurs over time, and we have to be willing to hang in there and work with people if we want to see positive changes in an important relationship.

Is It Time to Try Something Different?

Did you ever see the old Simpsons episode where Lisa does a science fair experiment called, "Who's smarter, my brother Bart or a hamster?" She sets corresponding traps whereby each subject is tempted by a tasty treat, but receives an electric shock when he touches it. Predictably, the hamster learns right away to avoid the shock, but Bart doesn't get it---at all---and reaches for the cupcake over and over again until he passes out. (Ouch!.......Ouch!........ Ouch!......Ouch!) Oh, Bart!

Do you ever feel like that---like you keep doing the same thing over and over again, and keep falling into the same old trap? Maybe you repeatedly get sucked into a useless argument that you've had with a family member a hundred times before, or you make the same new year's resolution twenty years in a row, and never make it past February?

We're smart people, so why do we do it? This might be more complicated than you think, because there are many reasons we might think we want something to be different, but are conflicted about change, or don't actually want it at all. Let's look at a few ways in which this typically plays out.

Fear of change
Sometimes our relationships seem to require that we stay the same, or that we maintain our assigned role in the system. When we change, it can throw a marriage or family system into a tailspin. As long as you keep doing the same dance, (the same fight, or playing the same role), everyone is protected from having to change. Let's say you play the role of the emotionally overreactive one in your family. As long as you keep holding all the emotion for the family, they won't have to feel anything, but if you learn to calm down, everyone else is likely to react. They'll probably even try to provoke you to "change back," so that they won't have to face their own feelings. It's not that they don't want what's best for you---they're just afraid.

Stubbornness
When we've spent years banging our heads against the wall trying to make something happen, we become invested in being right that this is the way to get it done. The idea that we've wasted all that time and energy, (and probably done some damage in the process) is unthinkable, especially if our ego is running the show. So instead of admitting defeat and trying something different, we bang our heads against the wall even harder. Never give up, right?

Not knowing any better
So often, we just automatically do what we've seen our parents, teaches or society do without noticing if it actually works. For instance we nag our children endlessly because that's what our parents and teachers did to us. It's so ingrained in our psyches that we never even question whether or not this is working or could ever work. (Another great example of this is America's commitment to weight loss diets, which are virtually guaranteed to fail, but we keep returning to them because we don't understand that there are better ways to approach the issue).

Loyalties
Sometimes there are unconscious agreements and/or loyalties that prevent us from changing, even though we might want to. For instance, if you're a woman, and your mother and your grandmother always struggled with their weight, you might perceive being fit and trim as a slap in the face to them. They might even have communicated this to you in some way, such as, "You look so nice in those jeans. I wish I could have looked like you when I was your age...(heavy sigh)" This message can create a separation between mother and daughter, one that would not exist if they struggled with the same issue together.

These are just a few of the many potential issues involved in making a change. This week, I ask you to look at where you might be feeling like Bart Simpson reaching for a cupcake. What's your problematic pattern or trap, and what might be the root of it? What do you believe would happen if you tried something different? How would others react? How would your life or self image be different?