Anger: How Seeing it as Suffering Makes all the Difference in the World

Do you suffer from anger or resentment in your life? Whether it’s our own internal anger or that of someone we live with, work with, or love, everyone in this world is touched by the destructive forces of anger. Recently I wanted to gain a deeper understanding of my own inner aggression, so read the book, Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames, by the great Buddhist teacher and Nobel Peace Prize nominee, Thich Nhat Hanh, who writes:

"When we get angry, we suffer. If you really understand that, you also will be able to understand that when the other person is angry, it means that she is suffering.  When someone insults you or behaves violently towards you, you have to be intelligent enough to see that the other person suffers from his own violence and anger. But we tend to forget. We think we are the only one that suffers, and that the other person is our oppressor. This is enough to make anger arise, and to strengthen our desire to punish. We want to punish the other person because we suffer. Then, we have anger in us; we have violence in us, just as they do. When we see that our suffering and anger are no different from their suffering and anger, we will behave more compassionately......So, don’t despise your anger. Don’t fight your anger, and don’t suppress your anger. Learn the tender way of taking care of your anger, and transform it into the energy of understanding and compassion."

At one point while reading this book, I felt broken-hearted as I realized how great the suffering must be that would lead us to want to punish the people we love the most---to see them, at least in the heat of the moment, as an enemy we want to crush. And if you’ve ever had such a relationship, you know that those victories are shallow and short-lived, because next time your loved one will crush you, and so the fighting continues...

If you can't relate to this, you are either very blessed or you possess great wisdom and self mastery (maybe both), because experiencing the desire to lash out and punish is truly a state of great personal or group suffering.  It takes all of our peace and joy, and throws it out the window. Of course, some people are so deeply entrenched in anger as a way of life that they don’t even realize peace is an option. 

Hahn’s remedy is to cultivate deep understanding and responsibility for our anger, and to treat it (as well as the anger of others) with great compassion. What makes this possible is the heart-felt realization that anger can only come from suffering. People who cause us pain must be suffering greatly, and when we’ve hurt others it is because of our own suffering.

This week, I ask you to look at your relationship with aggression. Is there a conflictual relationship in your life in which anger and punishment play out? Is it with someone you love, such as a family member, spouse, former spouse, or child? Please take some time to get in touch with your role in the conflict and consider how this might have brought pain to the other person. Then, go into your heart and try to find compassion for yourself and the other person. Try treating expressions of anger as wounds to be healed, and not enemies to be conquered.

What's Your "Story?"

The other day I was in a conversation with someone I'd just met who was explaining to me in great detail why he dressed the way he did. Apparently he'd spent a lot of time considering how his image affected others, and he claimed to know exactly how different types of people perceived him. Men saw him this way, young women saw him another way, and older women, yet another. I had no idea how this subject had come up or how he'd arrived at his conclusions.

After the conversation, I found myself thinking, "What was that all about?" I thought about how he'd created an elaborate story, probably for the purpose of helping him understand and make sense of his role in life. As I thought about it more, I realized that we all do that, although some of us are less out there with it than others.

I thought about myself and the people I know, and how we each have a basic storyline we seem to live by. We have certain themes that play out over and over again. Some of these are of a healthy and positive nature, and some appear to be negative or even destructive.

Sometimes people recognize the mental or emotional ruts they're in, and apply self help or other techniques to change the patterns, while others are so enmeshed with the habitual belief that they don't see that it's coming from them (or their family, or their cultural group). Or they make up stories that broadly generalize large groups of people, like: "Women are petty," "Men are jerks," or, "Nobody has money."

Whenever I hear statements like this, I'm confused because when I look around, that's not what I see at all. Granted, I probably make all kinds of statements that leave people utterly perplexed too, because their experience and perspective may be very different than my own.

We all have stories we tell ourselves and perhaps tell others, but we don't all realize that we're making up stories. If your life is wonderful, it doesn't matter what you're telling yourself. (The proof is in the pudding, so to speak). If, on the other hand, you struggle in any area of your life, it would behoove you to understand what you're telling yourself about this situation. Whether it's about money, love, work, religion, your health, or anything else, if there's an issue there, there's bound to be a story that's fueling it.

This week, I invite you to do two things. First, look at your friends and family members and try to identify their primary stories. Some examples include:

"I'm stuck and there's no way out..."
"Nobody appreciates me"
"There's never enough time, money, etc."
"It's all their fault"
"It's all my fault"
"I deserve whatever I want"
"Everybody dumps on me"
"I'm bored. Everything's boring"

And then, once you're clear about what a story looks like and feels like, see if you can identify your own story (or stories). This is more difficult to do because our own stories feel like objective reality (but they're not!) I think you'll find this exercise to be illuminating, and maybe even help you out of a rut or two.

Have a great week.

Parallel Universes/Parallel Lives......Part 2

Last week I introduced the topic of parallel universes and parallel lives. We focused on the belief (supported by modern physics) that our choices actually cause new realities to be created. For instance, when we choose between two carefully considered options, the chosen one becomes our here and now reality, and the other one spins off a new reality somewhere else (or in some other dimensional space).

Today I wanted to share a few more "wow, what a concept!" ideas for your consideration:

1.   Tashira Tachi-ren, author of What is Lightbody?, explains that having "free will" means we can choose to do something different than what our Spirit or Higher Self would do, but whenever we do this, a new parallel reality is spun off. As we awaken and follow the path of Spirit more regularly, no new parallels are created and those from earlier experiences are "pulled back" and merged. Eventually the soul (in this lifetime or another) experiences a constant merging of countless parallel realities, and when all these parallels have merged, all you have left is the reality that reflects the path of Spirit.                

2.   The above reminds me of the A Course in Miracles premise that says every time we make a choice, we are choosing between love and fear, and what we choose is what we believe is real. Choosing love, kindness, peace takes us in one direction, while choosing fear, anger, blame takes us in another (or maybe multiple others, until we learn to choose differently).

3.   Frederick Dodson, author of Parallel Universes of Self, focuses on the idea that we're currently living out all aspects of our highest (and lowest) potential, so it's never a matter of manifesting or creating something that we don't have, but tapping into the parallel self that is already enjoying that desired result. He claims that we wouldn't even have a dream unless it was already within our experience. (It would not be a "live option" in our psyches). 

Note: To me, his implies that we don't have to use our minds to create something out of nothing, which is a stumbling block for many who would use law of attraction principles to improve their lives. When I think of my dream as already existing, it changes my energy from longing and lack to a quiet peacefulness that whispers, "it's already there---you can step in whenever you're ready, or you can choose something else..." 

This week I ask you to take a look at your choices and where they are leading you. Maybe consider an issue that's up for you, and all the thoughts and actions that led you to where you are now. Contemplate where you might be if you had chosen other options along the way. And, to be fair, think of an area of your life that you are proud of. Recognize that your choices led you to this happy state, and if you had chosen differently you might have ended up in a very different place. 

Parallel Universes/Parallel Lives......Huh?

Personally, I have never been a stickler for what can and cannot be proven by science. In fact, the ideas I hold most valid and dear, are far from provable, and I like it that way. My reality, like most people's, is based on personal experience and other information that seems true (so science usually just gets on my nerves!)

I have to admit, though, the fact that modern physics is strongly leaning toward the belief in parallel universes, or what they call the "multiverse," has me really intrigued. While there are various types of parallel universes, sub-theories and differing hypotheses, I'm most drawn to the idea that there are multiple copycat universes going on simultaneously that contain doubles of you and me living different possible realities (based on the directions our choices take us). Are these physical universes, like our own real consensus reality, or are we talking about possible alternative versions of ourselves that play out in some other dimension? Good question.

I recently read a fascinating little book by Shelley Kaehr, Ph.D., called Beyond Reality: Evidence of Parallel Universes. Shelley is a hypnotherpist who guides clients into simultaneous realities and parallel universes. Her practice often attracts clients who are hung up on a past decision they made and want to discover what would have happened had they chosen a different path.

In case after case, various hypnotherapy clients were able to trace the series of events that followed a decision made (at an important crossroad) that was different from the one they had chosen in their current reality.

For instance, a woman who had left a commune several years earlier and then spent many years moving from place to place, wondered what would have happened if she had remained in the commune. Through hypnosis, she tapped into two parallel lives, one in which she eventually moved to Canada, married, had a child, and owned a bookstore. She experienced a peaceful and pleasant life, but felt unfulfilled because of not making a positive impact on the world.

In her other parallel life, the woman eventually moved out of the commune but stayed in California. She worked in a coffee shop and lived in an old Victorian with several people who were earth rights activists. Even though she struggled financially and sometimes wondered if they were making a difference, she felt happy and fulfilled because she was making the statement she had come here to make.

Interesting stuff, huh? I was so blown over by the implications of having other versions of myself "out there" living out different life possibilities, that I decided to do some casual self-hypnosis and see if I could access information from possible parallel lives. What I found was that by just asking a "what if" question and being open to receive information about it, I was able to sneak a peek into other possible paths (not taken thus far in this lifetime).

I decided not to latch onto any of them or see where they ended up, but instead just enjoy the realization that my choices were, and continue to be, virtually endless---that the ruts we sometimes find ourselves in are totally of our own making. We can choose something different at any time and spin off a new reality. All we really need is a little courage and faith in the unknown (or maybe a lot of courage and faith...!)

This week I ask you to do a similar exercise. Think of a time when you were at a crossroad. Maybe you chose one college, career, or partner over another, and you wonder what would have happened if you'd chosen differently. Just relax, close your eyes, and gently let your imagination take you wherever it will. Don't worry that you are just making things up, and don't get too sucked into the story. Just observe and see what appears. Chances are, this exercise will reveal something about yourself that will help you move forward in your current reality.

Freedom: Tapping into Our True Nature

Last week we talked about feeling burdened, and how some of us have the tendency to get ourselves trapped in unnecessary "obligation-thinking." This week I wanted to take it a step further and discuss the topic of freedom. 

Freedom is a tricky concept. First of all, it's entirely subjective---it means something different to every person. It's broadly considered a good thing, but some people who have the freedom to do whatever they want whenever they want, actually feel stunted, lost, bored, or unloved. And there are different types of freedom: political, religious, financial, emotional, physical, relational, etc.

Today, I'd like to focus on freedom as inner experience, an emotional/mental/spiritual experience. I'm referring to the way you feel when you're engaged in something you love and nothing else is nagging at you (from the inside or outside).

People experience this freedom in any number of ways, through walks in nature, dancing, singing, meditation, hanging out with  friends or family, creating art, camping, skydiving, etc. Sadly, some people only experience this feeling through the use of drugs, alcohol, or other addictive or compulsive habits. (Ironically, this way of accessing freedom is actually its opposite: a trap.)

The experience of inner freedom has a few common characteristics:

• it's associated with peace, acceptance and allowing
• It can feel exhilarating
• it's free of obligation or burden
• it's free of dependencies
• it occurs in the moment, not in thoughts of past or future
• it transcends human concerns
• it feels spacious and generous
• it can represent our true spiritual nature

This week, I ask you to consider your relationship with freedom, in all its definitions. Which freedoms do you enjoy, and which do you lack? Which freedoms might you enjoy if you were able to make some personal changes? Regardless of your circumstances, how can you tap into your higher nature and experience a greater sense of inner freedom in your life?

Are Obligations Getting You Down?

Last week, my shoulder went out, and when my intuitive massage therapist friend looked into the situation, she saw "shouldering burdens" written all over it. When I considered this, right away I realized that I have a tendency to convert the simplest of tasks into obligations---even things that I would thoroughly enjoy if I didn't see them as obligations.

That got me thinking about how we modern-day humans view our "to do" lists, and how we get bogged down by what we think we have to do. The following are some insights about how we get caught up in unnecessary "obligation thinking." Understanding this can help us find a way out.

1. First of all, many of these personal demands are probably totally unnecessary---figments of our imagination---like taking the time to play a board game with a child who would rather be doing something else. 
2. There's a difference between real obligations (like paying your Visa bill), and perceived obligations (like donating to the same charity every year).
3. Many of our obligations are based on guilt. We volunteer to do something we don't want to do because we "feel bad about..."
4. Sometimes we love to visit our parents, volunteer at the school, take our children to the park, but sometimes we don't feel like it but do it anyway, which can cast an obligation vibe over all the future times that we would have enjoyed these events.
5. Doing something for someone out of a sense of obligation doesn't feel all that great to them, and can lead to resentment for us. 
6. Giving out of obligation is nothing like giving out of generosity. When we give freely, it feels wonderful for all concerned, but when we give out of obligation, the gift is somehow tainted.

This week, I ask you to look at your relationship with obligation, guilt, and generosity. Notice if you have healthy boundaries, or if you let others (or yourself) suck you into doing things you don't want to do. Think of someone you know who is very balanced in this area, and see what you can learn form him/her. Maybe make a list of your real obligation vs. your perceived obligations. You may be surprised at how much freedom of choice you actually have, but may not be exercising.

Your Life Review

Have you ever heard of the "life review?" This can be seen as anything from a minute of serious reflection, to our lives flashing before our eyes during a frightening moment, to what occurs when a patient is pronounced dead and then returns to life, to what hypnosis clients report as happening in that space between lives, to a full blown fundamentalist "judgment day." The life review may come in many forms, purposes, and implications, but in essence it is a powerful opportunity to review and evaluate one's life.

The great thing about life reviews, especially those done before one's physical death, is that they allow us to step back from our daily lives and our habitual patterns or attitudes, and see the bigger picture of who we are, what effect we're having on the world, and whether we're achieving what we came into these bodies to achieve. For instance, some people get caught up in material pursuits and neglect their loved ones, only to end up lonely and full of regrets later in life.

You may have heard of Dr. Raymond Moody. He's the researcher who coined the term NDE, or Near Death Experience. His research uncovered patterns in the experiences of thousands of people who had clinically died, left their bodies, and then returned to life after moments or even several minutes. Often, these patients reported that during this time out of body, they relived every moment of their life, in chronological order, from birth until the present, and that it was alive, in 3-D, and contained every thought and feeling they had ever experienced, as well as what others experienced. They say this all occurred at lightning speed.

Typically, patients who had this experience went on to change their lives for the better. They got their priorities in order, became better people, sometimes even experienced major personality or life changes. This reminds me of a recent episode of American Pickers in which a man who owned a barn full of collectibles wanted to sell it all. When asked why he was doing this, he told Mike and Frank that he and his wife had suffered a very serious car accident the year before, and that the experience changed them forever. He said that they no longer saw the value in owning all that stuff, and that they wanted to sell it and use the money for the good of humanity. 

Have you ever had what you would call a life review? If so, what effect did it have on you? Personally, I've never had a Near Death Experience, but I've certainly had other dramatic "wake up calls" that made me sit back and review where I'd been, where I was going, and what changes I needed to make in my life. These experiences, although humbling and sometimes unpleasant, are gifts from the universe, golden moments that we can only benefit from if we're willing to take them seriously.

This week, I ask you to review your life or perhaps a period of your life that seems particularly relevant. Where have you been on your path? What have you learned? Are you satisfied with your relationships, work life, values, conscience, bodily habits, self esteem? Does anything stand out as incomplete? Do you need to forgive someone, or ask for another for their forgiveness? Do you see any patterns that need to be addressed? Is addiction, compulsion, guilt, dishonesty, etc., controlling your life?

This is a time to see the bigger picture, and not engage in the usual litany of gripes ("I need to lose weight, stop smoking, get a better job, declutter my house.") Certainly any nagging issues matter, but the life review is bigger than that. Think of it as a "deathbed" experience. If you were in your last moments of life, what would you be pleased about and what would bring you sorrow? This is an opportunity to save yourself from regrets, and create the best, most fulfilling life you can have. Ultimately I think we all deserve that.