Daring to Feel Your Feelings

We humans are emotional beings, but many of us have come to fear and repress our feelings. We may have come from a family where tears, or being seen as "sensitive," were signs of weakness. This is more likely the case for boys than girls, but for anyone who grew up holding in their feelings, there are consequences.

We are also mental and physical beings, but most of us were not discouraged from developing ourselves physically or cognitively. Of course, his happens occasionally, like when a parent or teacher has a particular agenda for a child, but usually we're encouraged to think and move around as needed.

While most of us can get by all right without extraordinary emotional intelligence and range, it really does help to be able to identify and work through our feelings as they arise, instead of shutting down and running away from them. Most emotions start out manageable, and only turn into monsters when we repeatedly ignore them and refuse to feel them.

This week, I invite you to stop and face a feeling or situation you've been actively avoiding. If you're afraid of crying, ask yourself what that's about. If you're afraid of your anger, ask yourself why. Find a safe, private time and place where you can feel what needs to be felt. You can journal about it if you like, but the most important thing is to let yourself feel it.

If you're like most of us, you'll feel tremendous relief from the experience. If, on the other hand, this opens a can or worms, that's okay too. You can always get some help, if you need it, to work though the difficult emotion or situation. Know that this process, no matter how uncomfortable temporarily, will serve you and those in your life, and probably prevent you from getting sick or developing further trouble down the road.

Remember, you can run but you cannot hide from your emotional nature. Feel what needs to be felt, and move forward. You can handle it, and you'll be stronger for it.
 

Breaking Free of Guilt and Shame

The feelings of guilt and shame can be very helpful. As a child, when you get angry and smack your baby brother in the face, it's appropriate to feel guilt, or even a moment of shame. It serves you and the world, because if you felt nothing, you might grow up to be a danger to society. In the right doses, these feelings help us want to be better, more conscientious people.

Guilt is different than shame, but too often we merge them in our psyches. You might have heard the expression, "Guilt is about what you did. Shame is about what you are." This is a helpful distinction, because too often we make an innocent mistake, and instead of a moment of guilt, we go directly into shame, "I spilled the milk---I'm such a loser." This just causes a downward spiral.

Whether this habit originated from our parents, our church, or our own soul-level lessons, we can learn to redirect and reframe shame and guilt so they don't become the inner dialog than runs our life. This is critical to mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health, because guilt and shame can be extremely toxic.

The first step to reframing and redirecting, is to identify what's going on. How do you feel? Did you do something that you wish you hadn't? Or maybe not do something that you think you should have? If so, you're probably feeling guilt. Take a look at how serious the perceived offence was. Was it an accident that could have happened to anyone? Was it an act of irresponsibility? Did you hurt someone in some way? Can you repair the damages? Regardless of what happened, it's important to acknowledge the guilt, do what can reasonably be done to make it right, and then let it go. Holding onto the guilt serves no one.

The feeling of shame is deeper. If something happens that leads to you feeling like a bad person, like you have no right to exist or to assert your God-given rights, then you have dropped into shame. It is very important to differentiate whether or not you actually did something "wrong." If you believe you did, you can reframe the feeling as guilt, and do something about it.

Shame, on the other hand, can be so deep and pervasive in us, that when even a stranger is rude to us, we feel shame. And when someone we care about expresses disapproval, we can really sink down into it. This is no way to live. There is neither power nor dignity in tiptoeing through life to avoid feeling guilt and shame in ourselves. And believe me, people will take advantage of those who are easily manipulated emotionally. It's time to break this pattern.

This week, I invite you to start differentiating between guilt and shame. If you make a mistake, hurt someone's feelings, etc., it's appropriate to feel a little guilty, but don't let it stick, and don't globalize it into shame. Make amends, if possible, and forgive yourself and move on. If you notice a pattern of shame or codependency (depending on others for your self worth), it might be time to read a book, join a group, or start therapy. This can be a serious problem, and it might be time to take the necessary steps to break free, once and for all.

Daring to Step Out of Fear

Is it just me, or are we learning to say no to being controlled by our fear? This year, I've noticed that the anxiety that always kept me stuck, just doesn't have the hold on me it used to. The person I came here to be is pushing me forward into personally uncharted territory. (Note that this is not a walk in the park.)

But I'm not alone. When I look around, I see people stepping decisively into their power. I see men and women finding the courage to take important risks, and others rising to meet challenges that would previously have leveled them. I see superhuman kids---kids naturally equipped to deal with change, and face life's ugliness head on, instead of shrinking and becoming wounded like the children of my generation.

Is this courage complete? Is it suddenly easy to stand up for ourselves or do something that previously terrified us? Absolutely not. There's nothing easy about it, but it's perhaps less difficult than continuing to let fear rule our lives. It's back to the pleasure and pain principle: when it's more painful to to do what we've always done than it is to change, we change.

Are your insides trying to get you to punch through your anxiety or resistance in some important area of your life? If so, it might be time to feel the fear and do it anyway. We don't want to throw ourselves to the wolves, but we can't afford to stay within our comfort zone forever, either. There's no growth in that. Pushing our edges a little is critical to moving forward on our path.

This week, I invite you to listen to that wise little voice that is guiding you to take take an important step on your path, and take that step! Don't worry about all the necessary steps, or contemplate all the courage it's going to take to accomplish your new outcome. Just take that first step and see what happens. You'll probably feel great---not because you accomplished something great, but because of the message you sent to yourself and the universe about what you're made of. You are strong. You can do this. You have what it takes to move forward a step at a time until you're where you need to be.

Good luck, and have a wonderful week.

Is Transformation Knocking at Your Door?

A couple nights ago, I saw the above quote, posted by Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love), on Facebook. She added that this was the wisest thing she'd ever learned from her therapist. Someone commented that it should read, "Transformation = Loss + Liberation," because losing that which is no longer needed leads to liberation. I wasn't so sure about this, though, because transformation isn't neat and tidy. Maybe Liz meant to leave us a little unsettled. After all, transformation is unsettling and, as humans, we have to deal with that. 

Either way, it stirred something deep inside of me. I wondered if it was universally true. Immediately I thought of a butterfly, which is the quintessential symbol of transformation. It starts out as a land-crawling caterpillar, then disappears into a cocoon, later to emerge as a beautiful butterfly. Yes, its transformation means it loses who it once was, and gains its liberation as a completely different creature---a more beautiful and transcendent one, most would say, with wings to fly.

What about us? When we humans undergo a transformation, do we necessarily experience loss and liberation? I guess it depends on how loosely we interpret the word. My dictionary defines transformation as, "a thorough or dramatic change in form or appearance," and, "a metamorphosis during the life cycle of an animal," both of which sound like losing what we were and becoming something different.

 
But what about liberation? Does transformation necessarily imply more freedom? Does it always lead to something higher or better, like in the word "transcend?" Doesn't time transform us from young and strong to old and frail? I suppose when we lose our youth, we gain certain liberties that (hopefully) come with advanced age. Perhaps there is less pressure to look good, or perform well, or exhibit mental clarity. Maybe we get to nap more, work less, or be taken care of by others.

Transformation is a double edged sword, isn't it? Kids want to grow up and have the freedom that they perceive adults to have, but they usually don't realize what they will lose in the process. Sure, they can drive a car and stay out as late as they want, but they will also have to work and pay taxes. It's not all fun and games.

And so we go through life, having many opportunities to undergo personal transformation, but often turning them down in favor of maintaining the status quo. (Some of us are naturally more cautious than others). And sometimes we don't have a choice---change just happens, and we have to adjust. It's all part of the impermanence we came into this life to experience.

This week, I invite you to notice the transformations you've experienced during your lifetime. Which have been your conscious choice, and which just seemed to happen to you? How did you adjust? What losses and liberties resulted? If you're going through a major change right now, where are you in the process? The caterpillar, the cocoon, the butterfly, or some later life phase? 

Wherever you are, be gentle with yourself. Know that you're not alone, and eventually you'll get through it. If it's difficult, it doesn't mean that something has gone wrong. More likely it's just life doing what life does---providing us opportunities for growth and evolution.

You Are Stronger than You Think! (How to Cope Like a Superhero)

Once a week, I receive an email post called: Heart Advice: Weekly Quotes from Pema Chodron. If you don't know Pema, she's a brilliant American Buddhist nun, whose writings have changed millions of lives, including my own.

Here's this morning's quote:

Instead of asking ourselves, “How can I find security and happiness?” we could ask ourselves, “Can I touch the center of my pain? Can I sit with suffering, both yours and mine, without trying to make it go away? Can I stay present to the ache of loss or disgrace—disappointment in all its many forms—and let it open me?” This is the trick.

You might be wondering why on earth you would want to sit with suffering instead of finding security and happiness. That's a big question, isn't it? Of course we would prefer to experience joy and ease all the time, but the reality is that our 3-D experience includes a great deal of inevitable, unavoidable discomfort. By virtue of our humanness, we will experience heart ache, loss, embarrassment, disappointment, illness, and a lot more (some of us more poignantly than others). So how can we move through life as happily and gracefully as possible, while at the same time facing and dealing with the issues that arise?

This is tricky business, and this dilemma is the core cause of addictions, obsessions, compulsions, phobias, codependency, and all sorts of other dysfunctional coping mechanisms. We want so much to be happy, and when anxiety or anger or depression arise, we can't handle the feelings! We will do anything to make them go away. 

This is what Pema (and Buddhism and other mindfulness practices) are trying to teach us:  We must be able to sit with the stress and the authentic feelings that come up in our lives, without running scared into the arms of that which would numb us out (and then take over our lives). We can handle life---whatever it throws at us. We are stronger than we think.

But there are more than two options (escapism or sitting in hell). There are many ways to work through hard feelings as they arise. For instance, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) has you acknowledge what's there, but affirm that you're bigger than the feeling, "Even though I feel humiliated, I deeply and completely accept myself." Then you work with the body's meridians to move the energy through more quickly, so it doesn't get stuck in your system. Likewise, Ho'oponopono, which we discussed last week, uses forgiveness, gratitude, personal responsibility, and heart-centeredness to move the energy in a healing direction.

So you can see that there are many options available to help us deal with the stresses of life. We can choose the unconscious crutch of escapism through substances, unhealthy relationships, or bad habits. We can practice the meditation, nonresistance, and acceptance found in mindfulness. Or we can find a middle place, where we're actively working with our thoughts and feelings in a way that suits our individual personality and style. 

Personally, I practice all three options, but I find that the more I do #2 and #3, the less I'm tempted to go unconscious and eat a bunch of cookies or buy something ridiculous! And for that, I am grateful.

How do you deal with the personal challenges of life?       

Ho'oponopono: The Hawaiian Practice of Forgiveness

By now, you've probably heard about Ho’oponopono, the Hawaiian practice of forgiveness. Ho'oponopono (which translates as “to make rightly right”) was originally used as a traditional family conference, whereby misunderstandings and conflicts were discussed in the presence of a mediator (haku). The process of resolution (kalana) required everyone involved to look in their hearts, take responsibility for the conflict, and forgive both themselves and the others.

More recently, through the work of Morrnah Nalamaku Simeonah (1970’s) and Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len (1980’s), Ho’oponopono has become mainstream wisdom as a method of healing and purification. It is flexible system, practiced in various forms, which promotes:

  - Deep heart connection, internally and with the outside world
  - Forgiveness of self and others
  - Responsibility for the whole (Unity consciousness)
  - Purification of inner blockages and beliefs that interfere with peace
  - Cleansing of fears, worries, destructive relationship patterns, etc.

The Process (one of many variations):

If something disturbs you and you feel disharmony within yourself, or recognize a problem or conflict, try the following:

1.  Ask for spiritual support, courage, wisdom, or simply connect with your heart

2.  Consider the problem, then search your heart for your share in it (ie: a judgment, action, or memory that requires healing)

3.  Speak the four phrases:

I’m sorry
Please forgive me
I love you
Thank you

4.  Feel gratitude, and let go

This can be repeated over and over again, and is directed inward, toward the divine part of oneself. It can also be directed outward, toward another person, a condition (poverty, crime, etc.), or anything that needs healing.

For a beautiful, nine-minute guided meditation by Vicki Howie, please visit: http://consciouslifenews.com/heal-heart-relationships-hooponopono/

Finding the Inner Guidance You Can Trust

In a world where we are constantly bombarded with expert opinions, manipulative marketing techniques, unsolicited advice, and generally too much information, it's critical for us to be able to tap into our own unique guidance. This is important not only for making life-changing decisions, but for gently guiding us through our daily experience and keeping us (and our loved ones) safe and well.

In order to follow your inner wisdom and pursue your life purpose effectively, you need to be able to distinguish between higher and lower forms of guidance. By establishing a close relationship with a "trusted source" of your choosing (God, your Higher Self, Jesus, Archangel Michael, Buddha, Muhammad, your guardian angel or spirit guide, etc.) you will have regular, reliable access to divine direction. You will come to recognize and trust the guidance they provide.

First, let's look the differences in quality between a trustworthy source and just any old voice in your head. A trusted source is a highly evolved spiritual presence that: 1) sees the big picture of your life, 2) knows your higher purpose and what your soul is trying to accomplish spiritually, and 3) can expertly guide you if you ask and then listen. Potentially, you have many to choose from, as there are an unlimited number of beings available who fit this description, but there may be one you naturally gravitate toward.

We also have less evolved voices (of ego) and entities (deceased loved ones, etc) who do communicate with us, but these may not be the most highly evolved or trustworthy. They may not see the big picture or know what we need, so their guidance is not always helpful. In fact, the many voices in our heads can be conflicting, confusing, and even detrimental to our highest good.

The following is a quick guide to distinguishing between higher and lower forms of guidance:

Higher Self or a Trusted Source:

• makes you feel confident and secure
• feels loving and supportive
• is nonjudgmental and usually gentle
• is positive, even when warning you of danger
• is consistent, repetitive
• encourages forgiveness and gratitude
• promotes win-win situations
• encourages being present in the moment
• helps you fulfill your life purpose

Lower Self or Untrustworthy Source:

• may feel immature, cold, critical, judgmental
• can be selfish, competitive
• condemning of self or others
• full of rationalizations
• encourages worry or blame
• fraught with complaints and impulsiveness
• can be demanding, abusive
• focuses on past and future
• promotes win-lose situations

This week, I invite you to take a few minutes to sit down, close your eyes, relax, and make contact with a trusted source. It may be God, an ascended master such as Mother Mary, your Higher Self or guardian angel, Gaia, or whomever appeals to you. You can use your journal to ask questions and write down the responses you receive, or just relax and listen or feel for responses. Notice what qualities (see lists above) you experience when receiving information. This will help you recognize your trusted source's energy in the future.

Know that all highly evolved guides are honored to serve you, and that because they are multidimensional, they can serve many people and functions at once (so you need not worry about taking them away from something "more important.") Know, also, that they respect your free will, and will never be offended if you choose to ignore their guidance, argue with them, don't speak to them for months, etc.

Enjoy this process, and if you have any questions or want to share your experience, please leave a comment below. I'd love to hear from you.