Daring to Step Out of Fear

Is it just me, or are we learning to say no to being controlled by our fear? This year, I've noticed that the anxiety that always kept me stuck, just doesn't have the hold on me it used to. The person I came here to be is pushing me forward into personally uncharted territory. (Note that this is not a walk in the park.)

But I'm not alone. When I look around, I see people stepping decisively into their power. I see men and women finding the courage to take important risks, and others rising to meet challenges that would previously have leveled them. I see superhuman kids---kids naturally equipped to deal with change, and face life's ugliness head on, instead of shrinking and becoming wounded like the children of my generation.

Is this courage complete? Is it suddenly easy to stand up for ourselves or do something that previously terrified us? Absolutely not. There's nothing easy about it, but it's perhaps less difficult than continuing to let fear rule our lives. It's back to the pleasure and pain principle: when it's more painful to to do what we've always done than it is to change, we change.

Are your insides trying to get you to punch through your anxiety or resistance in some important area of your life? If so, it might be time to feel the fear and do it anyway. We don't want to throw ourselves to the wolves, but we can't afford to stay within our comfort zone forever, either. There's no growth in that. Pushing our edges a little is critical to moving forward on our path.

This week, I invite you to listen to that wise little voice that is guiding you to take take an important step on your path, and take that step! Don't worry about all the necessary steps, or contemplate all the courage it's going to take to accomplish your new outcome. Just take that first step and see what happens. You'll probably feel great---not because you accomplished something great, but because of the message you sent to yourself and the universe about what you're made of. You are strong. You can do this. You have what it takes to move forward a step at a time until you're where you need to be.

Good luck, and have a wonderful week.

Is Transformation Knocking at Your Door?

A couple nights ago, I saw the above quote, posted by Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love), on Facebook. She added that this was the wisest thing she'd ever learned from her therapist. Someone commented that it should read, "Transformation = Loss + Liberation," because losing that which is no longer needed leads to liberation. I wasn't so sure about this, though, because transformation isn't neat and tidy. Maybe Liz meant to leave us a little unsettled. After all, transformation is unsettling and, as humans, we have to deal with that. 

Either way, it stirred something deep inside of me. I wondered if it was universally true. Immediately I thought of a butterfly, which is the quintessential symbol of transformation. It starts out as a land-crawling caterpillar, then disappears into a cocoon, later to emerge as a beautiful butterfly. Yes, its transformation means it loses who it once was, and gains its liberation as a completely different creature---a more beautiful and transcendent one, most would say, with wings to fly.

What about us? When we humans undergo a transformation, do we necessarily experience loss and liberation? I guess it depends on how loosely we interpret the word. My dictionary defines transformation as, "a thorough or dramatic change in form or appearance," and, "a metamorphosis during the life cycle of an animal," both of which sound like losing what we were and becoming something different.

 
But what about liberation? Does transformation necessarily imply more freedom? Does it always lead to something higher or better, like in the word "transcend?" Doesn't time transform us from young and strong to old and frail? I suppose when we lose our youth, we gain certain liberties that (hopefully) come with advanced age. Perhaps there is less pressure to look good, or perform well, or exhibit mental clarity. Maybe we get to nap more, work less, or be taken care of by others.

Transformation is a double edged sword, isn't it? Kids want to grow up and have the freedom that they perceive adults to have, but they usually don't realize what they will lose in the process. Sure, they can drive a car and stay out as late as they want, but they will also have to work and pay taxes. It's not all fun and games.

And so we go through life, having many opportunities to undergo personal transformation, but often turning them down in favor of maintaining the status quo. (Some of us are naturally more cautious than others). And sometimes we don't have a choice---change just happens, and we have to adjust. It's all part of the impermanence we came into this life to experience.

This week, I invite you to notice the transformations you've experienced during your lifetime. Which have been your conscious choice, and which just seemed to happen to you? How did you adjust? What losses and liberties resulted? If you're going through a major change right now, where are you in the process? The caterpillar, the cocoon, the butterfly, or some later life phase? 

Wherever you are, be gentle with yourself. Know that you're not alone, and eventually you'll get through it. If it's difficult, it doesn't mean that something has gone wrong. More likely it's just life doing what life does---providing us opportunities for growth and evolution.

You Are Stronger than You Think! (How to Cope Like a Superhero)

Once a week, I receive an email post called: Heart Advice: Weekly Quotes from Pema Chodron. If you don't know Pema, she's a brilliant American Buddhist nun, whose writings have changed millions of lives, including my own.

Here's this morning's quote:

Instead of asking ourselves, “How can I find security and happiness?” we could ask ourselves, “Can I touch the center of my pain? Can I sit with suffering, both yours and mine, without trying to make it go away? Can I stay present to the ache of loss or disgrace—disappointment in all its many forms—and let it open me?” This is the trick.

You might be wondering why on earth you would want to sit with suffering instead of finding security and happiness. That's a big question, isn't it? Of course we would prefer to experience joy and ease all the time, but the reality is that our 3-D experience includes a great deal of inevitable, unavoidable discomfort. By virtue of our humanness, we will experience heart ache, loss, embarrassment, disappointment, illness, and a lot more (some of us more poignantly than others). So how can we move through life as happily and gracefully as possible, while at the same time facing and dealing with the issues that arise?

This is tricky business, and this dilemma is the core cause of addictions, obsessions, compulsions, phobias, codependency, and all sorts of other dysfunctional coping mechanisms. We want so much to be happy, and when anxiety or anger or depression arise, we can't handle the feelings! We will do anything to make them go away. 

This is what Pema (and Buddhism and other mindfulness practices) are trying to teach us:  We must be able to sit with the stress and the authentic feelings that come up in our lives, without running scared into the arms of that which would numb us out (and then take over our lives). We can handle life---whatever it throws at us. We are stronger than we think.

But there are more than two options (escapism or sitting in hell). There are many ways to work through hard feelings as they arise. For instance, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) has you acknowledge what's there, but affirm that you're bigger than the feeling, "Even though I feel humiliated, I deeply and completely accept myself." Then you work with the body's meridians to move the energy through more quickly, so it doesn't get stuck in your system. Likewise, Ho'oponopono, which we discussed last week, uses forgiveness, gratitude, personal responsibility, and heart-centeredness to move the energy in a healing direction.

So you can see that there are many options available to help us deal with the stresses of life. We can choose the unconscious crutch of escapism through substances, unhealthy relationships, or bad habits. We can practice the meditation, nonresistance, and acceptance found in mindfulness. Or we can find a middle place, where we're actively working with our thoughts and feelings in a way that suits our individual personality and style. 

Personally, I practice all three options, but I find that the more I do #2 and #3, the less I'm tempted to go unconscious and eat a bunch of cookies or buy something ridiculous! And for that, I am grateful.

How do you deal with the personal challenges of life?       

Ho'oponopono: The Hawaiian Practice of Forgiveness

By now, you've probably heard about Ho’oponopono, the Hawaiian practice of forgiveness. Ho'oponopono (which translates as “to make rightly right”) was originally used as a traditional family conference, whereby misunderstandings and conflicts were discussed in the presence of a mediator (haku). The process of resolution (kalana) required everyone involved to look in their hearts, take responsibility for the conflict, and forgive both themselves and the others.

More recently, through the work of Morrnah Nalamaku Simeonah (1970’s) and Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len (1980’s), Ho’oponopono has become mainstream wisdom as a method of healing and purification. It is flexible system, practiced in various forms, which promotes:

  - Deep heart connection, internally and with the outside world
  - Forgiveness of self and others
  - Responsibility for the whole (Unity consciousness)
  - Purification of inner blockages and beliefs that interfere with peace
  - Cleansing of fears, worries, destructive relationship patterns, etc.

The Process (one of many variations):

If something disturbs you and you feel disharmony within yourself, or recognize a problem or conflict, try the following:

1.  Ask for spiritual support, courage, wisdom, or simply connect with your heart

2.  Consider the problem, then search your heart for your share in it (ie: a judgment, action, or memory that requires healing)

3.  Speak the four phrases:

I’m sorry
Please forgive me
I love you
Thank you

4.  Feel gratitude, and let go

This can be repeated over and over again, and is directed inward, toward the divine part of oneself. It can also be directed outward, toward another person, a condition (poverty, crime, etc.), or anything that needs healing.

For a beautiful, nine-minute guided meditation by Vicki Howie, please visit: http://consciouslifenews.com/heal-heart-relationships-hooponopono/

Finding the Inner Guidance You Can Trust

In a world where we are constantly bombarded with expert opinions, manipulative marketing techniques, unsolicited advice, and generally too much information, it's critical for us to be able to tap into our own unique guidance. This is important not only for making life-changing decisions, but for gently guiding us through our daily experience and keeping us (and our loved ones) safe and well.

In order to follow your inner wisdom and pursue your life purpose effectively, you need to be able to distinguish between higher and lower forms of guidance. By establishing a close relationship with a "trusted source" of your choosing (God, your Higher Self, Jesus, Archangel Michael, Buddha, Muhammad, your guardian angel or spirit guide, etc.) you will have regular, reliable access to divine direction. You will come to recognize and trust the guidance they provide.

First, let's look the differences in quality between a trustworthy source and just any old voice in your head. A trusted source is a highly evolved spiritual presence that: 1) sees the big picture of your life, 2) knows your higher purpose and what your soul is trying to accomplish spiritually, and 3) can expertly guide you if you ask and then listen. Potentially, you have many to choose from, as there are an unlimited number of beings available who fit this description, but there may be one you naturally gravitate toward.

We also have less evolved voices (of ego) and entities (deceased loved ones, etc) who do communicate with us, but these may not be the most highly evolved or trustworthy. They may not see the big picture or know what we need, so their guidance is not always helpful. In fact, the many voices in our heads can be conflicting, confusing, and even detrimental to our highest good.

The following is a quick guide to distinguishing between higher and lower forms of guidance:

Higher Self or a Trusted Source:

• makes you feel confident and secure
• feels loving and supportive
• is nonjudgmental and usually gentle
• is positive, even when warning you of danger
• is consistent, repetitive
• encourages forgiveness and gratitude
• promotes win-win situations
• encourages being present in the moment
• helps you fulfill your life purpose

Lower Self or Untrustworthy Source:

• may feel immature, cold, critical, judgmental
• can be selfish, competitive
• condemning of self or others
• full of rationalizations
• encourages worry or blame
• fraught with complaints and impulsiveness
• can be demanding, abusive
• focuses on past and future
• promotes win-lose situations

This week, I invite you to take a few minutes to sit down, close your eyes, relax, and make contact with a trusted source. It may be God, an ascended master such as Mother Mary, your Higher Self or guardian angel, Gaia, or whomever appeals to you. You can use your journal to ask questions and write down the responses you receive, or just relax and listen or feel for responses. Notice what qualities (see lists above) you experience when receiving information. This will help you recognize your trusted source's energy in the future.

Know that all highly evolved guides are honored to serve you, and that because they are multidimensional, they can serve many people and functions at once (so you need not worry about taking them away from something "more important.") Know, also, that they respect your free will, and will never be offended if you choose to ignore their guidance, argue with them, don't speak to them for months, etc.

Enjoy this process, and if you have any questions or want to share your experience, please leave a comment below. I'd love to hear from you.

What Are Your "Conditions," and Why is it Critical to Know Them?

We've all heard people say things like, "You can wear my sweater on two conditions..." (You promise to take good care of it, and you return it to me clean. Otherwise, no go). This is basically what I mean by conditions. They can be general or specific, but your minimum conditions in any given life experience must be met in order for you to be happy, safe, comfortable, etc.

In contracts of all kinds, conditions are specifically laid out so that everyone involved knows what to expect, what is required of them, and what is required of the other party. They can't look into a crystal ball and see how it will all turn out, but they do what they can to ensure that everyone's on the same page, so that the situation will be successful.

In our personal lives, we don't always know ourselves well enough to be able to specify what our conditions are for being happy. We know we want a good job in the field of our choice, but we might not know what would need to be true in order to thrive in such a job. We know we want to find our soul mate and live happily ever after, but we might not have identified in ourselves our deepest needs, values, and expectations, let alone expressed those to the other person We might say "I do" without knowing what our personal conditions are for being happy, safe and secure in a marriage.

Now, when I say "conditions," I'm not referring to a wish list (five foot two, eyes are blue...") Preferences are all well and good, but they are optional (according to this definition). Conditions are serious business. If a condition (such as feeling safe, having enough to eat, feeling mutual respect) is not met, it means you cannot thrive in that situation. And if you cannot thrive in that situation, it will eventually cause you harm, and/or self destruct by virtue of its basic incompatibility. There's no making it okay as long as your minimum conditions are not met. If you stay, you will pay. Dearly.

If you look around, you'll see different people in different situations. Some folks are happy at home, but not at work. Some are the opposite. Some are content with their life style, but feel uncomfortable in their community. Or happy with their physical lives, but unhappy emotionally. The list goes on. But chances are, where we're happy, our conditions are being met, and where we're unhappy, our conditions are not being met. (Note that this isn't always the case, so you might have to evaluate).

This week, I invite you to look at the different areas of your life, and notice where things feel easy and natural, and where you have a lot of conflict or strife. Choose an area that needs work, and sit down with a pen and paper. At the top of the page, write out the question:
"What would need to be true in order for me to be happy in my [state the situation]?" Then make a list. Try to state things affirmatively and in the present tense: "I feel respected," "My children are safe," "We are spiritually compatible," "I make $50,000/year." These are your conditions.

Review the list. It should be quite illuminating. If anything you wrote down was optional, put it on a separate list, because your list of conditions should represent  your personal bottom line. Once you've consciously completed your list, you may find that your situation starts to change, as if by magic. It may spontaneously transform, or it may go away to be replaced by something that does meet your conditions.

Creating Win-Win Situations

Lately I've been thinking a lot about creating win-win situations in my life, and reflecting on how the old way of the ego insisted that for one party to win, the other must lose. We see this in sports and war, and perceive it in negotiations and life circumstances of all kinds. But while win-lose situations work for the ego (about half the time), they don't satisfy our higher nature, that which believes we're all connected, and when one side loses, everybody actually suffers.

People who see life in terms of win-lose situations tend to embrace competition, self-gain, and the the belief in limited resources, while people who value win-win situations are more likely to embrace cooperation, compromise, and honoring both oneself and others.

I don't mean to imply that this is straight forward. It's not as simple as having the "right" world-view, because how you perceive any particular situation will determine whether you see yourself as a winner, a loser, or something in between. It's all based on expectations.

For instance, when a company gives all of it's employees identical holiday bonuses, some people will feel they won the lottery, while others feel disappointed or devalued. And when two sports teams tie a game, one may be delighted, while the other is outraged. It's all relative.

It's not possible, in our current paradigm, to create win-wins in every situation, and we do still enjoy our games and other competitions, so we're not ready to eliminate the concept of "victory." But that doesn't mean we can't start moving toward a world-view that makes room for more cooperation and care in our everyday dealings.

What does this mean? Maybe that we still pursue a "good deal," but we do it without taking advantage of other people. We ask for what we want in a relationship, but are more willing to give something in return. And when we're negotiating on a price, wage, etc., we notice (and care) how each party feels when all is said and done. Ideally, everyone feels that they have gained something in the transaction (or at least been treated fairly).

Recently, I've been approaching potential difficulties by announcing to all involved, "I believe in win-win situations." The results have been fairly miraculous, I think because when you state that your intention is for all parties to win, everybody (including the spiritual forces), come together to support that intention. It's synergistic. There's just more power behind that sort of intention.

So this week I invite you to work toward win-win situations. This may require you to compromise, but it may not! You might just find that by cooperating with others and caring about their outcomes, you'll get everything you want, and so will they.

Good luck with this, and have a wonderful week.